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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

992 replies

thesandwich · 04/04/2017 09:54

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

OP posts:
Original poster
thesandwich · 10/07/2017 22:10

Oh mrs m- does she have an care alarm? She will have to call paramedics. You cannot do it all. Flowers

OP posts:
Mrsmartell08 · 10/07/2017 21:09

Monkey 💐 for you too
I have no idea how this is going to pan out...my sister would have gone in tonight had mum been kept in.
My brother and sil are worse than useless
(To be fair my brother doesn't drive...)
My dh is away now til late weds night (short trip thank god)
My sister's dh works nights
We both have kids
Sigh...ive no idea what I will do if she gets ill in the night...i can't go. Neither can my sister. My brother would have no clue what to do (and is happy not knowing iyswim?)
Ffs
How did my life come to this?

notaflyingmonkey · 10/07/2017 20:57

@Mrsmartell08 Flowers

I went to see mum in hospital today and she insisted I take her to the toilet, despite me saying I would get a member of staff to help instead (she's on a frame and needs someone to steady it). I know that she thinks that my role when she gets out of hospital will be toileting her.

Original poster
thesandwich · 10/07/2017 20:01

Sorry you have to join us blimpy. Respite care sounds like a good option- could you ask gp for advice? Or package of care? Age uk may be able to advise.
Mrs m- I am so sorry! You must be despairing. You cannot be responsible for your mum's choices. Wine Brew Chocolate
Keep that step back. Facilitate. And put yourself first.

OP posts:
Mrsmartell08 · 10/07/2017 18:55

Blimppy...respite care for your mum?
I know stroke rehab can be months (used to work on a rehab ward in an admin capacity)

Mrsmartell08 · 10/07/2017 18:53

I could cry...
Every time I try and back off there is some sort of crisis.

Mrsmartell08 · 10/07/2017 18:43

Blimppy...I have no experience with diabetes but surely your mum has a diabetes nurse at the dr practise?
You could contact him/her and ask for advice or home visits?

Well...I've had enough today.
Dh left for a work trip at 6am
Mum phoned me at 8.30 (just as I was pulling up outside Ds2s school) to say she had been to the dr and the dr was sending her to the medical assemsnet unit at the local hospital with a query PE.
Sigh.
So I spent from 9-2 at the hospital whilst mum had various tests then picked Ds2 up from school.
She had a ct at 4 and they have said it's not a PE but an exacerbation of her copd.
She was very breathless :(
She was up all night. Did she phone me or my sister!? No, of course not.
I'm so tired.

blimppy · 10/07/2017 09:45

Hi, can join? My parents live about 3 hour drive from me and my brother. Mum has diabetes and is very reliant on Dad. Both are in their 80s. Dad has been very fit and and well until now but has had a stroke. It sounds like he is doing OK and I will see him later. He will be in hospital for some weeks. I came up yesterday and can stay for a few days. But I work 4 days a week and have 2 teenage daughters. My brother is on his way but he works too. We can manage this week but I have no idea how we will msnage beyond that. Mum is mentally good, but physically disabled. Can only walk a short distance, uses a wheelchair and her diabetes is often unstable. I have literally lost count of how often Dad has saved her life by spotting a hypo. Any useful ideas welcome!

birdybirdbird · 08/07/2017 23:09

I think she was told that there were no drugs other than what she's already on - which is not aricept. I wasn't in the appointment, her mental health support worker took her. I really need to speak to her ASAP to find out exactly what's been said in terms of prognosis etc. I'm just worried as the mental health team have been amazing at supporting her, but now she has a dementia diagnosis, they'll no longer be the responsible team and her case will pass to someone else Confused

Original poster
thesandwich · 08/07/2017 15:18

So very sorry birdy, but as mrs Martel has said she is in the system and getting support. It is a cruel disease. But what a shock. Can she take aricept to slow it down? Take care of yourself.
Mrs Martel- you can always tell your DM church and work begged you to go back.......😁😁😁😁.
Look after yourself and create a void for others to fill.

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Mrsmartell08 · 08/07/2017 14:08

Birdy...im so sorry x
What a shock for you both...good that she is "in the system" and steps are being taken.
Hugs to you x

Been to dhs aunts today for her 80th. She is quite frail now and her dh even more so but they are just in denial. He had a fall on Monday and the wound looks nasty :(
Very sad.

I'm ok. Haven't heard re job yet. Told dh about both - not telling mum til I need to.

My sister has actually been to see her today. My brother is in the pub busy Hmm

Feeling very tired so off for a nap
Love to all x

birdybirdbird · 08/07/2017 11:18

MrsMartell08 - glad to hear you are trying to get some balance back, hope you manage it!

Mum finally got a diagnosis yesterday - she has Alzheimer's. No idea what the next step is from here or what the prognosis is. Her mental health support worker started the process for sheltered housing but not sure if we'll now need to look at residential care instead. She's in bits and I'm just shell shocked. I knew she had dementia of some kind but having it confirmed has knocked me for six to be honest.

Original poster
thesandwich · 06/07/2017 20:10

And of course you are working loads more hours and if the church needs something your DM can't possibly question it........( tries to look innocent......) use this as a way to break patterns......

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Mrsmartell08 · 06/07/2017 18:06

Not exactly! Well...the kids value me :)
The church job is one I did before dad died.
It's a bit different this time as im not on the board so am ex offico
I have a new exercise regime:)
I'm also thinking of doing an open learn course

Original poster
thesandwich · 06/07/2017 17:36

Do your job and the church value you? If so that's great. But please put self care up the agenda too!!!

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Mrsmartell08 · 06/07/2017 16:41

Well
I've been appointed as secretary to a local church
I've also reapplied for my old job back
So mum and dh can just get on with it

Mrsmartell08 · 06/07/2017 10:55

Thank you.
I'm feeling rather under appreciated ATM! 🙄😁
I've taken on a new voluntary role (once every 6 weeks or so) and I've contacted work about perhaps going back (they are losing 2 more members of staff and haven't replaced me yet!)
It's not just mum...it's Dh and his attitude too

Original poster
thesandwich · 06/07/2017 08:27

And do not apologise for moaning!!!?you have every right!!?this is what this place is for .look after yourself.🌸🌸🌸🌸

OP posts:
Original poster
thesandwich · 06/07/2017 08:25

You sound so burnt out- and your health must come first. Boundaries, boundaries- don't tell your mum you will visit threee times a week, just on your next visit say I'll see you on x with some reason or another.
She may grumble but your visits aren't making her happier only making you unhappy.
And childcare for your niece- check out the workzilla threads! No is a complete sentence. Think about if you would like to do a bit e.g. If your ds would benefit but it is not your problem!!!! Not my monkeys not my circus- old polish proverb. " sorry that doesn't work for me" good luck!!

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Mrsmartell08 · 06/07/2017 08:08

I need to set up some boundaries with mum.
Maybe say I will visit three times a week instead of everyday?
I have to pop in this morning to return Something but then I'm coming home.
Dh also upset me yesterday...why do they think they can talk to me like this??
Because I let them I guess.
Ds1 had an asthma attack on Friday and we ended up in a and e.
Dh was in the US
No support at all from mum or siblings.
I need to just stop expecting them to care I think.
I overheard my bro on the phone yesterday (he rings her everyday...i will whittle him a fucking medal! 🎖) and he is only NOW worrying about hold care for my Dn for the summer holidays....I wonder who he will ask? hollow laughter
Gah.
Sorry to be a misery.

Mrsmartell08 · 05/07/2017 17:30

Hello!
Glad you are finding a Balance...so hard isn't it?
I'm feeling really quite cross with her today.
Silly really
She won't change

Original poster
thesandwich · 05/07/2017 17:06

Hello Badders in disguise! Sorry to hear you feel so rough and so low. Your DM doesn't deserve you.
Don't ask for you job back - but perhaps pretend you have?😜😜😜? I have reduced my work considerably- far more than DM knows. And I constantly cite things dp has asked me to do for him to keep me busy.
You cannot make your DM happy. Please protect yourself. You deserve to be happy.

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Mrsmartell08 · 05/07/2017 12:27

Hello Darlings Flowers it's badders here with my new nc Smile
Have read but not retained much [brain fog]
Hope you are all doing as well as you can
Well I'm still struggling on
My own health issues are flaring up a and mum is being vile
It was dad's b day last Friday so I promise out
Not sure my brother or sister even rang
It's the anniversary of his death on 27th and I'm away for a couple of days with dh and the kids.
I'm thinking of begging for my job back tbh
Then I could just stop seeing her so much
Sorry for the moan
Feel so low :(

Original poster
thesandwich · 02/07/2017 08:07

More that is so hard. Could you book an online delivery of essentials? And then go with light heart. You cannot do any more. 🌸🌸

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MoreElderlyParentWoes · 30/06/2017 23:55

I'm glad you found it interesting,
Notaflyingmonkey.

I'm feeling really down again. I have to go away for a while and, as always, my mother is making it clear that she won't make any other arrangements for getting to the shops etc. She just won't go. I know this is her choice, but the guilt-tripping is really wearing me down.