Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

Can normally only visit after work, but we've been tying up the ward phoneline for weeks so been keeping ourselves as well informed as we can.

Sis seems pretty determined to take her home tomorrow if she's medically fit, which is pretty terrifying but i do agree staying in is going to do her no good whatsoever so cross your fingers for us!

The nurses know she's got worse, she's been on the same ward for a month so they're familiar with how she is in there (was delirious almost immediately)

They've checked for UTI and chest infection but other than that just say she has her ups and downs. She has been confused/paranoid/a wanderer since she was in but going from that to barely functioning in a couple of days is a worrying deterioration in my eyes.

I've managed to speak to a junior doctor once in the entire time she's been in, and that was only after convincing the switchboard to bleep her for me after she had a fall and her discharge was cancelled.

Just so frustrating that she won't get any better while she's in there, but she's stuck indefinitely until suitable care can be sorted. Out of desperation me and sis made plans to take her home ourselves but a) we could only manage a week of 24/7 care ourselves (though the NHS would only do 3days max anyway) so if she's not drastically improved in that time we're screwed
b) if we can't fix this latest decline I don't think we could even cope by ourselves

This is so hard, we're not medics and we don't know what's best for Mum? At the very least if she's not drastically improved when I visit today I'm going to ask they give fluids and antibiotics regardless of if they've found infection or not, it can't hurt!

Barely managing a doggy paddle here

After weeks of waiting for the hospital to sort my mum's discharge (complex due to delirium) we had decided to take her home and watch her 24/7 ourselves, to see if she improved in her familiar environment. But after visiting today she's massively declined, just rambling nonsense huddled up in her bed, couldn't understand me, couldn't even drink... Can't see that anyone could come back from that state to even close to normal, yet no one in the hospital seems to be concerned??

You can resist hitting him with his Zimmer frame! I haven't walloped my mum yet, so it can be done!

Seriously, no advice, just sharing your exasperation with stubborn, strong willed elders who won't accept help.

Poor DH has spent today trying to notify people of dad's death, while mum argued each case individually and checked there was no down side, and that it wouldn't cause a problem to tell the electric people before the bank or the bank before the electric. Perhaps we should wait and not tell anyone yet.

She has one friend who dropped in with milk while she was ill. She chats to neighbours but isn't on friendly enough terms that she would have them in for a cuppa.
I suspect she is a bit ashamed of the state of the house.
She would probably be dead set against any outside help.
It's the familiar feeling I've read from many on this thread of mixed guilt, worry and exasperation.

That makes things so difficult. Does she have any outside contacts at all? A cleaner?

Hello everyone I've read much of the thread and am in awe of how much you all do and cope with.
My mother is 83, had a suspected mini stroke at some point a few years ago, a perforated ulcer two years ago, several falls (no I didn't) and has recently had a bad tummy upset.
She is stubborn as hell and can be very rude to her children if she feels that we are 'interfering' She has stopped taking her meds as what was the point when she was vomiting (2weeks ago), sleeps in her armchair all night under a throw and a coat and according to my sister who lives the nearest hasn't washed properly or eaten substantially in around two weeks either.
We are worried but she refuses to see doctor or acknowledge there are issues with her lifestyle.
Yesterday I made the decision to phone her gp surgery and dr said they would try and make a home visit.
Today message from dr saying she hasn't answered the phone and they will try just turning up there tomorrow.
I live at the other end of the uk from her. Sister is 45 miles away and brother is abroad.

The non-drinking is frustrating though understandable for my mum who is constantly managing incontinence. I do find that several of my relatives (and actually me too) will drink squash, probably because it is sweeter. They still need someone to give it too them though

Thank you! Yes, went smoothly. Lots of lovely things were said, my mum's expectations were met. Now, next steps begin. I think she'll accept help with tech, finance, etc. She's interested in getting PoA sorted for her, and I managed to joke with her about the need to plan her own funeral, as she clearly has very specific preferences!

Thank you! We're nearly there now.

Pickle, lots of sympathy here. I went through similar when I got married, to the extent I just left DM and MiL to their rows. So knew better to stay well away when my father died. And no, sadly, I was not asked to speak.

Self protection, boundaries and distance when needed.

Best of British, Pickle (or is that very anglocentric of me?) Anyway, hope all goes as well as it can.

I'm sorry about your aunt, Along, but sure you've done the right thing.

Hi yolo, I'm just heading down to mums for the funeral. I'm ashamed to say I haven't spoken to her for a few days. The rational explanation is that she is getting confused about who she has talked with which makes the arrangements even harder. Fact is, though, I just can't face it. I don't want to be shouted at, complained at, etc. So it's face to face today, and I find that easier, especially as the boys will be with me and that curtails the worst of it!

Longway, that sounds sensible. I'm sorry about your aunt. How old is your mum?

Mum’s younger sister died this week making her the last of her 4 siblings. She was in US. They had always been close but lost contact since they both went deep into dementia. We decided not to tell mum, which feels weird but I can't see any good from telling her. Shes very ill and I think this is a loss she wouldn't handle. There's also a question mark about how well my aunt was cared for in the last year.

DD2 was telling me this evening how hard she's finding it. We're pulling together well as a family but it's been a long time now. We have fantastic carers but they can't substitute for some of the tougher dementia moments. We've invested loads of time and trouble this winter and it has paid off in no hospital admissions but it has taken its toll on us.

how are you doing pickle?

Sorry to hear you’re having such a difficult time of it pickle... 💐

Hot cross buns. Look under high heels child parent parking. True silliness.