Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

Hi there hoping to join you all. Got DM diagnosed with Alzheimer's last year and my dear dad 81 looking after her as best he can but it's getting harder for him and he refuses any help. Myself and my sister are nearest and di our best but my sis is pregnant and I have 2 school age DC and work pretty much full time. Mum can have good days and bad days but is still early stages. I feel so anxious about what's to come and it's so sad for the whole family seeing her confused and disappearing into herself and Dad struggling. Ill be interested to read all your posts there seems to be some great advice on here xxxx

To add to Peral's advice review their housing at an early stage, thinking forwards.

Homes are expensive, and the good ones have wait lists. My mother is in extra sheltered housing (with a 24 hour warden), and has been for over four years. She feels safe and independent, it is far cheaper than a home, but there is someone around in an emergency so I don't need to dread the phone as much, the flat is adapted, she can opt for a three course hot lunch, there is a cleaning and laundry service and I can top up with a carer coming in.

Hopefully I wont need to move her to a home till a point where she has very little idea where she is.

And do prioritise yourself and your family. My daughter is 19 and just about to go to University and I realise I have been responsible for elderly parents for a decade. My in-laws are just starting to fade so some chance of another decade of dreaded phone calls and emergency trips, this time the M1 rather than the M3! If we had not managed to achieve some sort of balance (in our case buying a small holiday flat, which we rent out in summer but use out of season, which allows us some quality time, and "allowing" DH to support the local football team ) I would be drowning, rather than just very very tired. Guess where the username came from!

I am glad she has settled in well. My mum's 5 years in a home were a life saver for both of us. Within a few months she was bossing people about. Her reply if anyone said anything to her was "it's my house, I can say what I like"' which I took to be a good sign.

My mum is a twin and when I first visited she thought I was her sister, I must have aged considerably within the first year as I then became her mum. Every visit we had exactly the same conversation 100 times is the hour,
Her, "have you bought us cakes?"
Me, " they are in the kitchen, just waiting for the kettle to boil"
Her, "good, have you bought us cakes?"

Hello all. Been off the radar for a while. Hope everyone is well and that everyone's oldies are as well as possible.
Back in the UK for my summer job and so staying with my cousin as Mum's house is now rented out. Been to see her in the home, she no longer really knows me, though she knows she has a daughter with my name. She just rattles on and on (but we are all great talkers ) with fact and fiction all swishing together somehow. She seems happy enough and I just feel numbly relieved that for me, the transition from her home to a home is over and done with.
and welcomes to all newbies.

Peral that is fantastic advice. I fear I am going under with it all.

One of the most important things is open communication with the parents. Try to persuade them to fill out LPAs and if they refuse then Encourage them make a living will. The way to sell this, say to them
"You need to be in charge of your own future, even when you don't have the physical or mental capacity to do so. Let us know now what you want in terms of your care and if an 'end of life illness' is diagnosed"

Secondly, and this may seem hard. You have to put yourselves and your children first. So many of us feel guilty, run ourselves ragged, and neglect our own health and families. Caring for the elderly is a long hard slog. People live well into their 90s and become more depended as they get older. Sadly not all of them are sweetness and grateful. Set boundaries and stick to them.

As they get older, you will find yourself dealing with Utilities, LAs and Health professionals. This is advice I have given many times on here but it is a life saver.

Make a record of every conversation you have with officials, about them. Name of perso you spoke with, time, date, and what was promised. Not one thing will get resolved with one phone call. Being able to quote back previous requests really helps.

Before things get really bad mentally, and if they are willing make a file of the following.

Their financial status, where accounts are held. Encourage them to simplify, sell shares, consolidate accounts. Luckily my Stepfather made me a joint account holder which made things easier

Details of Utility companies, insurance, LAs . Check that they are not paying unnessaey things. Car insurance when they longer drive, too high house insurance.

Personal details. dates and places of birth and marriage, mother's maiden names. Believe me , you will be asked again and again!

Medical history. Doctors details, hospital appointments, medication. Try to get a prescription list as this will help if you need to claim Attrndence Allowance.

If they will allow you make copies if any paperwork they have, so that you can deal with things remotely. I found Utilies often asked to speak to the person themselves if you are trying to change tariff, arrange a visit or get insurance cover. Have someone with you to pretend to be the house holder, otherwise you have to be in the house when the arrangements are made.

When things get so that they cannot manage, get a redirection of mail form completed. Again in helps cut down visits, and you keep control. You can see what is being spent, what appointmemts are needed etc.

AGE UK produce many leaflets which deal with the practical side. It is worth going onto their site and mugging up on what your parents entitlements and restrictions.

Hi everyone, I'm so glad I found this thread. DH and I are struggling to know what to do. We're both in our 30s with four elderly parents (yes, big coincidence that both of us are in the same situation so young) and we're just starting out on the journey of trying to support them through the tough later years. Up until now all of of them have been managing pretty well, with only the occasional emergency.

But we're starting to find that one-by-one they're all gradually deteriorating, and we're very worried about the future. Between the four of them, they're already dealing with dementia, the after-effects of a stroke, depression, inability to drive, iffy personal hygiene, and the usual wear and tear of old age like dodgy hips and poor sight etc. Given my and DH's age, which means that we both have full-time jobs over an hour away from the parents, and a new baby on the cards soon, we're just not going to be able to do as much for them as they and we would perhaps like. But as DH and I are so new to this, we don't have a clue what support is available, who we can talk to about our worries, what funding is out there, what legal questions might come up etc. etc. Does anyone know of a good starting point for us? Thank you so much for any advice you can give. x

But it doesn't necessarily mean a care home forever, it's possible that she could be at home with carers can come in throughout the day and change her pads, supervise food and meds etc

We got my mum into respite by calling it convalescence. This was a term they were much more familiar with. Two week convalescence was quite normal after a hospital stay in the old days.

Suggest a couple of weeks respite care for her to build her up (and give him a break). Don't make it a permanent decision or an admition of defeat. At the end he is either feeling up to caring for her, with some knowledge of other options, or he admits he can't cope.

If there is rainy day money spend it. Some upmarket homes really feel like hotels and the food can be fab. Or depending on how much money there is, a chance to test drive possible future provision, and work out what to look for.

It's a big step, your Dad admitting defeat on the toiletimg. It is such a hard thing to put get her into,the care system even when you know it is in her best interest

Thank you. Saw her today and she was totally somewhere else. I took our new puppy over and she didn't react at all. Not to the touch or to the sight of her. Anyway, now Dad has admitted defeat where tolieting is concerned and said she will either have to switch from her wheelchair to sitting on the commode all day (which I told him absolutely can't happen) or spend 24/7 in incontenance pants. She looked so tired today
I'm wondering, if mum isn't in control of toileting at all, requires 24/7 care and my Dad isn't far off not being able to lift her up if she falls, we're looking at carehome aren't we? It must seem obvious but we seem to have got here so quickly and it's a decision that seems so difficult to think about

Silver this is so hard. My step-father was the same. He put my mum In So much danger that she ended up in hospital. She had a fall, he got her to bed and for 3 days he was lifting her onto a Saucepan to go to the toilet. He could see nothing wrong with it.

The hospital wanted to discharged her back to his care,.I used a phrase, given to me by a MNetter. "She is a vulnerable adult and she needs protection". I don't know if this would work with your LA, but describing what has happened might trigger a response. If your Dad is refusing her the care she needs in her home, then she probably needs a place of safety. I suggest you ask for 'respite care' while things get sorted. It does help if she has enough savings to pay. I know this should not be a factor but it helped my mum get a place when apparently none were available.

My mum spent 5 years in a wonderful care home, paid for by the LA when her money ram out.

Oh Silver this sounds so hard for you. Like Knope I wonder if there is someone your dad would talk to? He's obviously struggling too to accept the changes in your mum's situation and doesn't trust anyone else to look after her like he can. Where in the country are they? Could Age UK or a similar agency perhaps get involved?

Is there anyone your dad would listen to?
A vicar/priest/pastor?
Old friend/Work colleague?
Dr?
Sorry - it's so hard to deal with x

Hi, can I join this thread please?
I need some advice/handholding as things have got very difficult for my parents. They are both late 70s. Mum is wheelchair bound and has vascular dementia to the point she needs 24/7 care. At the moment my dad is doing this but is really struggling. He can barely help her onto her commode or the toilet and is constantly stressed. She has toileting accidents every day. Carers started last week but have refused to return, apparently due to Dad's unpleasantness which I can totally see happened. They're in the middle of recruiting so have no one else available. Dad refused to sign any agreement with them in the first place so I'm amazed they got any help in at all. Dad refuses to have a ramp put in place and today there was a very near catastrophe involving the steps by their front door. It can take 20 minutes to get mum from the kitchen into the car because she has to stand and navigate steps with support.
I'm fairly close, as is my sister but her daughter has severe learning disabilities and is immobile herself so requires 24/7 care. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old so help as much as possible but can't be there in the evenings or much at weekends. Db is 3 hours away.
Dad has just spent 4K on a new wet room which a doesn't work properly and b mum can't get the hang of because of bad toilet positioning etc.
It's all a bit of a nightmare and my Dad isn't coping at all but has become impossible to deal with. He refuses to let any agencies help and insists he can build his own ramp etc.
I think mum needs to be somewhere else and believe she would be happier but then there's my stubborn, worn out old dad

If anyone has time, could they look at the Dementia topic. I have recommended that the poster ask for her thread to moved to here. In the meantime, I think she would really benefit from the amazing support of posters here who maybe able to offer more advice than I have,

Hello all (mrsm here after another nn!)
Hope everyone is managing and no more crises have arisen...?
Mum is ok. Although I have noticed that she is getting increasingly short/bad tempered with my niece that she looks after...
Her leg is bothering her but she denies it but every time I go round she has it up on a stool...
Haven't seen much of her tbh - I'm back at work and ds1 had a minor op yesterday - so I'm keeping busy
She isn't really contacting me much either and - god forgive me - it's such a relief

Hello from me too, karma.

Your father sounds very much like my mother and I feel a similar mix of guilt and exasperation. My mother too has a habit of making everything about her and seems to have no sense of anyone having a life beyond meeting her needs. I slog on, trying to be kind, but (like you perhaps) wonder whether it would have been better for everyone - including her - if some of these things had been confronted and dealt with many years ago.

As the wise people here say, we do the best we can but shouldn't allow ourselves to be submerged by it all.

Btw Nota - sorry for calling you 'monkey' as I've now noted that you are NOT 'aflyingmonkey'......

Thanks monkey. And my brother and I have said this to each other - and to dad - many times, that even if we were with him 24/7 it wouldnt' be enough. We have offered to my dad, a few times now, to come and stay with us for a week or so during the summer so he could just chill out - my partner mostly works from home so would be around during the day (it was DPs idea - bless him - not mine!) - sit in the garden etc. He said he'd think about it and obviously we haven't heard any more ...... (Thank goodness!, but a bit of a risk calling his bluff!).
Despite all of this, it has been nice to get away with my family and not do too much - and my 'halfway house' has been that, whilst I'm away, I only call dad every other night instead of every night... My brother keeps me up to date with texts - so I've appreciated the nights I don't have to call!
Monkey, have a lovely break with your DH and kids. Maybe make a deal with the carers that you are on holiday and need some downtime and to only call you if it's an emergency? As you've said to me, perhaps you can trust that they will look after the basic (and beyond) needs - it's what they are being paid for! I've promised myself, if nothing else, that I will not do this to my own kids, however old and cratchedy I get!! xxx

Hi Karma - welcome to the club. But you know what, whatever you do for him will never be enough. So maybe just accept the fact that the home he is in is doing the stuff for him that needs doing, and try to give yourself a break (and yes, I do know that is easier said than done!).

I'm going on a mini break next week with DH and our two teenage DCs. I intend to chill, and have put them all on notice that I will accept no ripples in that pond. For four whole days! (How many calls will I get from the carers in that time I wonder?)