Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

Thank you!

That's another uncanny similarity; when my father was in hospital, my mother threw a tantrum at his bedside because he wasn't paying her sufficient attention.

Love it.

When my father was dying my mum was "me, me, me". She seemed angry at him leaving her and I worried about abuse.

The very weird thing is that my brother seems permanently angry with me. I am very careful to be polite. I can't change his behaviour, so there is no point. My kids are a decade younger and have had to share my time for a decade since my youngest one was in primary school. It has been really tough, and in some ways is getting tougher. Its as if I am doing wrong by being able to rise to a challenge when he has failed miserably. Or as if I simply don't count and my time is valueless.

DBs wife has never worked and had a full time nanny as well as a cleaner. The kids then went to boarding school. She manages to look at me as if I am some sort of skivvy. She once managed to make a cup of coffee for herself and drink it, whilst talking to me, and without offering me one. Perhaps she assumed I was the mug.

Again, I feel exactly the same. Because everything has been about my mother, I haven't had the thinking time to process my father's death.

Honestly? I'm not sure I've properly grieved for my dad yet.
It's been over 4 years and all I did was care for mum

Oh my. I recognise that too.

My only function, in my mother's eyes, seems to be to act as her chauffeur and general factotum. What upsets me most is that, when my father died, I assumed that we would help each other through it, but my mother has offered no comfort to me or my sibling and her non-stop demands have made it all so much worse.

I think I need to change my user name to something that doesn't abbreviate to Woes! I need a more cheerful moniker. In fact, perhaps that might be it ... Meanwhile, here's some

Ah yes
Too busy
My sister only started working pt 18 months ago and has 2 secondary age boys
My brother a wife only started working ft about 4 months ago and have 1 dd they barely see
I have a dh who works away, chronic health problems and 2 dc one of wh9m is still at primary. I also work very pt and volunteer
None of that seems to count though?
It's really odd
It's literally like I dont exist

Oh woes it's hard isn't it?
My dh is very angry about my siblings lack of interest and always has been.
He is off work next week and we are planning nice days out. I need it.
I have posted the POA forms through her door and have sent my sister a list with all mums info on.
We shall see....

Oh, Badders, there is so much there I can relate to.

My sibling too is the Golden One, and because that status is set in stone, feels that it would be wholly unreasonable to expect them to step up. They are "too busy" to do more, despite knowing that I am on my knees with exhaustion.

Do you think your mother might be a narcissist? Armchair diagnosis is very unreliable, I know, but my mother's insistence that everything is about her all the time (and other things) certainly seems to point that way. I need to coach my husband to back me up more; he tends to keep his head down, but I think I need him to be more vocal in saying no, that's not reasonable and I'm not doing it. Curiously, it might be EBay that brings these things to a head. My sibling has told her that EBay is too laborious, so mother has decided that I will be selling dozens of items to help her "declutter". My hints that I don't have the time for constant trips to the post office have fallen on stony ground!

I also worry about what my daughter is seeing here. I hope she's seeing that it is possible to be kind towards someone who's never been kind to you and is frequently foul-tempered, but I worry that what she actually sees is someone who's being verbally abused and exploited. I'm tempted to chuck it in, too, but probably won't since, if I did, I'd be descending to her level of nastiness.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

and

...another remains im really cross is that they money was earmarked for a new Kitchen which she desperately needs...
That's not happening now....

No he doesmt
He only sees mum because she provides childcare for his dd - which she is increasingly struggling to do no she never once provided childcare for me
Ditto my sister. Takes mum shopping once a week
I've prepared a list of mums meds, her Dr log in and recent medical history - I will send this to my sister
I'm done
If I see dad again I will tell him I did my best :(

Ouch!

Does your brother do anything? If not would you be prepared to sit on the sidelines and watch things fall apart.

I have a DB who is a golden boy, and it is small consolation to know that if my mother did not have dementia she would have to revise her views. Staff at her housing tell me she raves about him, yet after almost five years most have never seen him. I was not invited to speak at my dads funeral, and discovered that things like her funeral plan were in his name alone. She had assumed he would step up so felt no need to "invest" in her relationship with me.

I use my late father as my reference point. I don't know if there is a hereafter, but should I meet him again I know that I will be able to look him in the eye. Indeed generally I find it useful to think about what my dad would have done. (I also think about what my children see. My mother failed to do anything for her own mother, and left it all to her sister. Even when I was young this seemed very selfish.)

Another thing I did was to insist that the POA was worded in a way that did not leave me out of pocket. My mum has a lot of assets that need active management. It is almost a full time job, and my brother claimed he could not help as he was too busy with his high powered job, and than has been unhelpful, seeming to prefer to keep my mums income up, rather than my workload down. I have wanted to ensure my family did not become resentful of a financial burden on top of the time/stress burden.

Interestingly this argument worked with my mother. She was not prepared to be appreciative, or even kind, to me. But it turned out she was very worried that my husband might put his foot down and refuse to let me prioritise her over him and my family. Poor man became a bit of a bogeyman. If I did not want to do something, or it was all becoming too much I simply started with "My husband...."

(For comparison when I go at my first house I got a bucket and some pegs)

Hi everyone.
It's been a manic here and I haven't read the thread - Sorry!
I'm hoping that you wise ones can help calm me down....
Mum had been pretty vile lately. I'm back at work 2 days a week and am volunteering again.
After a birthday weekend where I got £20 stuffed in a men's card (?) and not even a phone call on the day I have now found out she has found out she has given my brother £8k for a house deposit.
Now...I know it's her money and I must come across as grabby as hell but I'm devastated. It's yet another demonstration of her complete disregard for me and my family.
I think I'm done.
I no longer wish to be her POA but I don't know how I go about a. Telling her and b. Sorting it out.
Her precious son can be her POA. They can do all the running around
I think I'm done :(

Thank you, sandwich. Here's some more to add to our repast:

I'm sorry about your godmother, NeedMoreSleep. How lovely that you and your mother still had that connection to her youth and her home town.

That's a very kind offer, too. I do live in the metropolis, but feel too frazzled and hag-like at the moment to meet anyone in the flesh except maybe on Halloween. The gallows humour on this board does, as you say, help to keep things in perspective. I understand why she does it, but listening to my mother's constant diatribes is still very wearing.

Do you live anywhere near London. If so I am happy to both buy you a drink and listen to you. I was almost drowning five years ago.

It's a lot easier now as I have both knowledge and perspective. I don't think I would have made it if it were not for some kind help from and laughter with (gallows humour) people on this board.

My godmother died yesterday. My mum's childhood best friend and the last link with her northern home town. A lovely lady. And independent till the last six weeks.

I'm always amazed at how much people here know about stuff. All kinds of stuff.

I'm silently screaming again. Aged parent asked me how I was, so I said actually I feel dreadful - nauseous and with a splitting headache. There then followed a list of her ailments with no acknowledgement of mine, not even a token "oh dear". I try to grin and bear it, but I am feeling so worn out at the moment. I can see that many people here have it far worse than me, but I'm exhausted. Sorry to whinge.

Pick up a form from the post office and present it with her ID. I think it is £65 for a year.

Thanks that's good advice, will look at getting post redirected. She doesn't have a diagnosis yet. However I managed to talk to her GP and asked him to do a memory assessment as I was concerned and I booked the appointment on the pretext of her needing new medication (plus got a friend to take her there). She was not having a good day and the GP said she had scored poorly. I must admit I was relieved about this as she quite frequently appears totally with it when meeting people but I can see how confused she has become. So I am hopefully she will now be referred for a fuller memory clinic assessment and I guess this will lead to a diagnosis. Her memory and cognitive function seems to vary so much from day to day. I just hope it may settle a bit now she is at home. She is fiercely independent and rejects most thing that she thinks are for 'old people' so we battle on.

Does she have a diagnosis yet? If not, then maybe get the GP to call her in for a "check up" (this is what we did with my Mum who was convinced there was nothing wrong, a quiet word with the GP and she went in, was referred for a scan "a run of the mill thing at your age" and thence to the memory clinic) If she gets a diagnosis, then she gets into the "system" which awful though it sounds, you will need eventually if she does have dementia of any kind.
My Mum went to a sort of memory club thing weekly for about 3 months (she quite enjoyed it I think and made a few friends) and through the Gp's surgery we managed to get in contact with an organisation who did pop ins every so often to make sure everything was OK in the house. (till it wasn't obvs!)

I would suggest getting her post redirected to you. That way you can keep track of her appointments, financial needs and utilities.

Hello, can I come and join you. I have an elderly mother who has suddenly deteriorated physically and more worryingly mentally. She lives on her own, 3 hours away (including a ferry ride!) and after a stay in hospital and some convalescence with me is now back home. I've arranged for a daily carer to come in and organised grab rails to be installed plus a personal alarm. The biggest problem is getting her to remember appointments and she barely seem to remember anything I tell her. I am finding it all very overwhelming at the moment having spent lots of time organising everything for and trying to keep on top of my own life/work/children/husband/cat. I am hoping things will settle down a bit. She has finally accepted that she needs more support and over the next few months we will be looking to buy somewhere local for her to live but I worry that the move may make her memory even worse. Anyone got any top tips on supporting a relative at a distance with what I suspect is early signs of dementia and/or how to manage a major move?