Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

If you need to care for your mother, then it is "carers leave", in that there has been a breakdown of normal care arrangements for your mother.

I'm supposed to be at work tomorrow, does this qualify for compassionate leave ??

Dad in hospital now........which he should have been from the start!! On morphine and oxygen.........which he should have been on from the start!!

I have another tip. There's a company called Argentia who make personal alarms that automatically detect when the patient falls, even if they can't or don't press the button. Aid-Call (which used to be run by AgeUK) don't have these yet.

Monica, I simply phoned up the adult social services help line and explained that I did not want to give names at this stage, but knew nothing about the system and explained the circumstances. The first time, when my dad was dying, I got a super really helpful person who explained about care, self funding arrangements etc.

I then phoned again following my mum's fall. Which led me to referring her.

Good advice I got at the time was that

1. if you are self funding, it is probably better to arrange the care yourself as you can negotiate better with the agency and re-charge rates from SS can be higher.

1. SS have lists of things, like care agencies, day care centres, volunteer organisations, nursing homes, sheltered housing etc, which they will send you.They may also provide help for carers.

1. Anyone can refer a person. Social services can do two assessments. One physical, which can recommend adaptations, for which grants might be available, and a more general welfare one.

I wanted my mother to have a general SS assessment, in case she ended up in hospital When she broke her hip, the hospital discharged her with two days notice on Christmas eve, effectively immobile (she had had her wrist re-broken the day before so it would set correctly) to an empty block (all the other flats were second homes) without any alarms or anything. 110 miles from me. And despite the fact she was confused throughout her stay. With a SS flag this would not have happened. It now means that on the couple of occasions she has wandered, SS have been able to tell police where she lives and my contact.

We used our mothers priest, who knew her well, who understood that she was losing capacity, and that it was in her interests to hand over responsibility for her affairs.

With dementia, time is ticking in another way, as the person needs the capacity to make the POA decision, yet it is at this point that they are probably clinging hardest to their independence. I would think around a bit for someone who knows your dad and who is concerned that sensible and quick decisions can continue to be made on his behalf, should his condition deteriorate. (Housing manager?)

There are two things to watch with doing the POA yourself - it is time limited, so the clock starts ticking as soon as you start filling out the form online (it's something like 8 weeks to complete). So try not to spend lumps of that time in denial and putting it off (voice of experience...). Also, you need to put down a third party who knows the parent. I put DMs GP, who then refused to sign it, as that was the line their practice took with them (risk of being sued at a later date). It really caused me a problem with the time factor.

Hello, newcomers.

Tell me more, Needmoresleep, about making an anonymous call to social services ...

No need to use a solicitor for a straightforward POA.

There are two:

1. Financial
2. Health and welfare

Both allow you to act on behalf of your dad at a point when he does not have capacity.

So with the financial one you can pay his bills, access his bank account etc. Which makes any future crisis much mote manageable, as otherwise his funds are essentially locked.

The health and welfare is used less often but can be very important as it allows you to speak on his behalf on key health and welfare decisions. Which could include moving him into a home, or key treatment decisions.

One way to sell it is that without a POA decisions would probably be made by Social Services or doctors and you might not be able to speak on his behalf.

It all sounds grim.

I believe it can but it still costs money to register

Doe POA have to be done legally? My Dad has no money to pay for a solicitor. Can it be done online?

POA=power of attorney
Sandwich...glad you've got support x

Needmoresleep

Thanks! What are POA's please?

1. Make sure POAs are in place!

1. Speak to adult social services about assessments, adaptations, care etc. The first conversation could be done anonymously.

1. Apply for attendance allowance, which in some places can open the door to Council tax exemption.

1. Look at sheltered housing options, which might enable him to live independently longer with less support needed from you.

1. Pour yourself a large g&t

My dad is 79 and has just been diagnosed with emphysema. I need to get carers as I already care for my mum with dementia. Struggling to get to grips with what I have to do?? Who to call? My Dad can no longer go out and can't really stand up due to breathing issues.

spoke to DM about an hour ago, she sounds very low "you will come round tonight wont you, it makes such a difference". The thing is I cant see any way of her becoming happy again; socially isolated, in constant pain, and housebound. Spoke to GP yesterday who wasnt very interested but has at least agreed to refer to the Intermediate Care Team again to see if they can get her moving after last week's fall. I can do the practical stuff, but actually she wants me to sit and listen while she moans, and I'm crap at that and don't do sympathy much either - I am much more one to try and change things. She would say our relationship is wonderful, but actually I think it's going from ok to quite a lot worse, and horribly, although she needs me so much now I am getting more and more resentful of the fact that I went to boarding school at 10 while she had a pretty lovely life up until my father died. Not to say I havent had a lovely life, but I made it myself. sorry, thinking out loud!

Oh, yolo, I feel your pain. I'm in the same situation, I'm at the end of my tether too. I'm an hour away from my mother and I dread picking up the phone when I see her number.......what's she going to complain about now?

I hear you monkey

My DM's mum lasted til she was 99. My DM is now 89. She may well last another 10 years, but I doubt I will.

thank you need and monkey (short hand!), its nice to know that I am not alone in this. my DB just came on Friday and stayed til today, he's a bloody saint because I can do an hour max before I go mad. OTH he lives 200 miles away and so does it 4 times a year. Usually he comes with my DSIL and DM complains wholeheartedly (DSIL is really lovely, but hippyish) and DM gets uppity. They have their own issues - ie babysitting for 4 grandkids on a regular basis, but retired and run a business, and their DD had a terrible stroke earlier in the year aged just 29. So they cant do much but are enormously supportive and they do come. I just think: she's 87, she's not actually ill (ie no terminal disease) and the thought of this going on for potentially another 10 years makes my heart sink. She's not happy as she is, and I can only see it getting worse. Today I have found 3 local private caring agencies - so she can get a 'naice' lady in for an hour a day, plus 3 befriending agencies which do phone calls and visits for a nice chat. She will hate them all. But I just cant bloody do it!! I go round every night I am home, and there is nothing to talk about apart from her health. she cant maintain interest in my life, or my DDs, and finds fault with everything she possibly can. sorry, rant over!

GP surgery not that interested; every time she speaks to anyone medical she goes all Captain's Wife and is very patronising but also very stoic so people think she's wonderful (which they do on short term acquaintance) and so help is slow to happen.

This is very familiar Yolo. I find myself having to explain to overworked NHS staff that yes, she may appear capable and with-it on the surface, and able to tick many boxes, but that actually she has dementia and is very good at masking it. The series of questions that they do to test memory drive me potty - knowing the dates of WW2 are all well and good, but the other questions like who is the PM she can blag a pass mark by saying things like oh I'm not interested in politics. I know that it is actually because she can't remember, but on the surface it sounds a reasonable excuse.

Yolo, we have crossed MN paths/threads before. Welcome to THE thread for the sandwich generation.

It will have been covered before, but guilt is pointless. And selfishness, ore rather self-preservation, is good. Everyone is relying on you, so you need to pace yourself, emotionally and physically. And to some extent, or in some circumstances, you have to become the parents to your own parent. If they are behaving like a demanding toddler, and the cost to you is too much, then don't negotiate. What you say goes. If you need to delegate, then delegate, etc.

Obviously easier said than done.