Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

@YellowPrimula - I hear you.

Years of rejection and boarding school here too. My mother wants to go home from hospital but can't, physically & mentally unable. She gets angry with me for not taking her. I remember the years of me asking her if I could come home, not be sent away again.

It's so bloody difficult. You will feel guilty whatever you do. Just seeing you some and letting you know you're not alone.

Sorry that was a bit of a rant but just feel completely overwhelmed . The practical stuff I can just about cope with but the emotional support is killing me , I really find it difficult ...years at boarding school I suppose .

I don't think i am a good enough person for this .Have elderly mother living opposite end of the country to me but in the process of moving up here to live.This will be the closest I have lived to her since i was 12 so am apprehensive to say the least as she can be unpredictable and hard work. But she was widowed 4 years ago and I only have one brother who lives abroad in a place with no direct flights to the UK so its only me and on balance it seems like the best solution . Obviously this has all been pretty time consuming and emotional but things had been going pretty smoothly , until Monday. when someone drove into her.

Very traumatic obviously but she is unhurt but now the car is likely to be written off and a new car will have to be purchased.The accident was entirely not her fault and the other party have admitted liability and whilst not the most confident driver I would say that she is Ok at the moment , but has no idea how car works at all .No idea how to buy a new car etc etc and to be honest i am not great about cars either and it will be traumatic because they always are with her.I just can't help thinking no not something else .

In addition my df (divorced from mother and with lovely dsm) has early stage dementia and FIL waiting for biopsy results for bladder cancer and dh only has one brother who is about as much use as choc teapot.

Have part time responsible job, trying to do MA course , dh who works long hours , and three ds youngest doing GCSEs and two others who for various reasons need support .Also have chest infection .I just want to pull blanket over head and shout 'leave me alone' Other people manage this why can't I .

Db sends texts from far away but is little help otherwise

oh yes pickle the bins was just tonight's error. I dont know how you as a capable adult can possibly manage the dishwasher, mug carrying, driving, breathing etc etc. but you did well with the funeral outfit!!

Hey Yolo! I only got one rude comment about my funeral outfit. And that was it in a whole week! Unheard of.

I did stack the dishwasher wrong, carry the mug wrong, drive wrong, etc etc...

you need to put a brick on top of each individual bin apparently? I am 56 years old, have 2 adult children, have run my own house for years. I have NEVER put a brick on top of the bin.... gah!! sorry, it's funny really but has seriously pissed me off! thank you for cake and gin, I have red wine it's what gets me through.

I don't put the bins out right apparently. And also I go away too often. FUCK OFF!!! (sorry, needed to say that)

oh lello that is awful. your poor mum, and you. hope antibs kick in soon

Oh Worried, sorry you're carrying everything all by yourself. Maybe a tiny bit of a scream and shout at DB will make him realise how much you're doing?

No improvement for Mum. Surgery site is hot, red and swollen, and it still took 2 hours of begging & tears from us (and wailing & incoherent rambling from her) for a doctor to come look at it. Even then wasn't keen to prescribe antibiotics but hopefully bullied him into giving her some broad spectrum ones tonight. They'd ideally want to drain fluids from the wound, test for which bacteria, run bloods etc to prescribe something more specific but we said they can't leave her in that distress for any longer. She's not eaten anything really since Weds

Oh bless you! I'm so sorry, that must be infuriating.

No morphine for weeks, don't think she's on any drugs she wasn't before, apart from paracaetamol. The discharge is definitely off for today but on the plus side there's signs of infection so that would explain the sudden downturn. Doesn't help with getting her out but good to have an explanation

I am so sorry to read all the above, we are all just struggling along.
pickle I hope you get to go home soon, and glad all went as well as it could.

The delirium comments: DM went completely loopy on morphine, could that be involved with any of your DP mentioned here?

I have had 3 lovely nights away from DM (work, but was nice!) and back to normal routine tonight. sigh.

Lello I hope you can get something sorted for your mum today.

My DF used to tell us he had been taken out of his bed in the middle of the night and taken to a small room to be interrogated Chances are the nurses were just taking him to the bathroom. He was just so confused.

Vestly, did the docs get to see your mum yesterday?

Care home has never been mentioned, as she has no history of dementia they've always wanted to get her home. The discharge plan was for 4 normal care visits a day to assist her with broken shoulder. Once the OTs etc saw the extent of the confusion they also requested 'wraparound' care, which was someone 24/7 for up to 3 days to assess specifically how the delirium subsided, and if she was safe to be left home alone overnight.

It's this that's delayed everything as the 24 hour carers are in short supply, and patients going home for palliative care obviously take priority. There was also a delay when she had a fall in the hospital and got a small brain bruise.

The only mention of something like a care home was what would happen if after the wraparound care, she hadn't recovered sufficiently, she'd go to a 'step up' bed.

The plan at the moment is to take her home tomorrow, with the 4 care visits but without the 24 hour care... IF she is medically fit to do so. My sis will stay with Mum for a week, if by some miracle she improves drastically, great. If not, between us and therapist assessment, she'll go to this step up bed.

As we know this is an option for her, if she's not fit to come home tomorrow, I'm going to push for her to go straight to one of these beds ASAP. She's probably going to end up there anyway, and it frees her ward bed, and saves a very stressful period at home in the meantime. Though whether I'll get anywhere with that argument who knows.

Like you, no one ever mentioned delirium to me, and no one even asked about dementia etc, they just accepted this nutty patient without a second thought. I only knew about it because she had 2 days of it after a 4 day hospital stay 5 months ago. She was sent home after a night of raving about being kidnapped and I was told this was normal, she'll be fine, get her home etc, and left to it. She still wasn't 100% back to normal 4 months on, so I have very little hope for a decent recovery after 4 weeks of confusion But her previous history is why I've been telling EVERYONE from the second we got to A&E, 'she had delirium last time, please help us try to minimise it this time'

He had been tested for dementia earlier last year, as his mental capacity had started to deteriorate, things like forgetting names of objects and struggling with technology, but he passed all the tests and we were told it was just old age. I also think many years of chemo had had an impact.

Once he had been diagnosed as terminally ill we had a couple of months chemo free, when ironically his health and memory seemed to improve. Few days later he had a fall in the night and had to go into hospital and I never had a proper conversation with him from the day I first saw him in hospital, it was like a switch had been turned off

Hospital never mentioned delirium, in fact I had never heard of delirium until reading about it on threads like this after he died, and it has made me think that this is what he was suffering from. But it is the fact that the nurses etc. never mentioned what was happening to his mind, although it was obvious he was deteriorating, that I found so strange. Mind they didn't mention his cancer either! I assume they are so used to seeing it in elderly people. DF was on a ward with other seriously confused patients.

DF wanted to come home but DM wouldn't have been able to look after him. After 3 weeks hospital finally had a meeting to discuss what should happen, they initially argued that DF was fit to go home, but finally agreed for him to go to a care home. Initially it was thought that it would be 6 weeks period (which I think is called something like reablement/rehabilitation) and then would be reassessed. Social worker told me he would improve no end once he was out of the hospital (if this was his first week in hospital I might have agreed with him) Unfortunately DF was too ill by the time a place was arranged for him and he died 3 days later. His death certificate stated that he died from cancer but that he also had dementia.

See if you can get this 6 week package in a care home for your mum (I think it is also free) So wished I had pushed harder earlier, outcome would have been the same there was nothing they could do about the cancer, but care/nursing home would have been better than the ward he was on.

Sorry if this type of care package has already been mentioned on this thread, I haven't read all of it.

Sorry any of us have to go through this ineedaholidaynow , and so sorry about your dad. Did he have any dementia or similar before the hospital, or was it just delirium?

If we can't take mum home tomorrow then I'm going to push for moving her somewhere better suited to deal with her problems, surely they'd rather have their orthopaedic bed back and her somewhere where she can improve

Lellochip I had this when my DF was in hospital. He was taken in after a fall. He had terminal cancer and it was like his mental capacity had fallen off a cliff when he was admitted and just kept deteriorating, but the hospital didn't seem to notice. It was really strange, they were more concerned about his balance and getting him walking with a frame so he could go home.

Took them about 2 weeks before they seemed to notice and then told us the memory clinic would be able to help him. After 3 weeks they accepted he wasn't fit to be sent home and he needed to go to a care home. Unfortunately he died from his cancer before he could be moved.

I wish I had been a better advocate for DF. The only person who really spoke to me or my mum was the OT to talk about his mobility. The first time we managed to speak to a doctor was when the doctor from the palliative care team spoke to my DM 2 days before my DF died.

Keep pushing if you can. I am so sorry you are going through this