Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

nota that strikes a chord with me, the thinking she might die and how much more time you would have. To anyone not in the depths that sounds absolutely apalling, I know - but but but... My DM has become so self-obsessed that its really hard to talk to her about anything, plus determined she is right and if any of us (me or DD1 and 2 who are 21 and 18) then we are being mean and nasty. DD1 is home from uni today, got a horrible ear infection she's had for 4 weeks now so taking her to our gp tomorrow to try and get to the bottom of it. DM's comment? "oh yes, I used to get ear infections all the time, and now look at me, I'm deaf as a post". not really much you can say to that is there?!!

My mum is on so many protective heart meds
She has no stress
Her siblings have all lived to late 80s-90...
I'm 45 and always ill.

I know what you mean Monica. My mum was very ill earlier this year, and I felt a sense of relief that she might die, and was thinking of all the things I could do with my newfound time. She rallied, and is now probably fitter and healthier than me.

I think my mother will outlive me. She quite deliberately offloads all her stresses onto me and I expect to have a heart attack quite soon. ::only partly joking, in fact not really joking at all::

Orchard...im not retired and I have 2 young children. I work pt and my dh works away a lot.

I would feel very cheated if my retirement was spent looking after my mum!

She'll prob outlive me tbh...

didnt see DM yesterday - she had a doc appt at 6pm, and I am afraid I just said she'd have to take a taxi there and back. It was the end of a very long week, and I just thought sod it. Feel guilty, but it was like I had an extra 2 hours in the day in which to drink wine.

Anyone want some Friday night ? Or ?

Timeistight - Is your DH in denial about the situation or just hoping someone else will deal with it? I do, though, understand him hesitating because your MIL doesn't want people coming to the house. It does feel like hitting your head on a brick wall when you identify sources of help only to be met with "don't want that".

Orchardgreen - I'm a wishing I was retired professional person, except then I'd be even more at my mother's beck and call and I don't think my nerves would take it.

Cleaned Dad's flat today, he has obviously been struggling for a while, was filthy but is now sparkling clean and fresh!!

I would just like to say how pleased I am to find this thread.
Like most of us, I guess, I'm a retired professional person, but in this situation I'm completely at a loss. It's all new to me.
So thank you for all your support, it is an enormous help to me.
All you ideas on the thread are a huge help to me, thank you.

Awful. It is quite an eye opener to see who can cope with the burden of caring for elderly parents and who cannot. DB was always the favourite child but is buried deep in a 10 year pit of denial. Pointing this out would do no good at all, indeed just by doing what he should seems to have caused massive resentment.

If your DH does not want to do anything you won't be able to make him. Trying to change people's behaviour is rarely worth the energy.

Instead I would chat anonymously to adult social services asking about options. Your DH is likely to link any referral back to you. There may be another way. If not you need to rely on your conscious. There will be a crisis sooner or later. Wait till then or take the hit on your marriage now. (Though whether your relationship will survive your unhappiness with his behaviour, is another matter.)

FWIW when my mother was newly widowed she and my brother decided not to tell me where the spare key was, tell me when she went on holiday or put in place any alarm system. She was clearly suffering from the early stages of dementia. The crisis came in form of a fall when she was outside. It turned out that a few months earlier she had got stuck in the bath and had thought she would die there. I would have been in no way responsible.

I posted on 1 November, at which point I was quite optimistic about sorting out all the issues with MIL. My optimism was misplaced.

After MIL came out of hospital, everything went straight back to how it had been. SIL is telling everyone that she has now left work to look after her DM full time, but has just gone on holiday (again) without telling anyone and without putting any other support in place.

DH has now told me he is not going to chase up the OT assessment that was supposed to be happening, or the GP for the mental health assessment that the hospital doctor said he would ask for, or the follow up for her heart condition that she hasn’t had for years, because he says MIL is 'fine' and she doesn't want any help or strangers in her house. DH has a DB, who is worse than useless, so he won’t do anything either.

MIL, meanwhile is by turns delusional, paranoid or just talking complete rubbish. She's sweary, racist, and has made a couple of nasty sexual allegations, one against a member of the family and one against her former GP. This is all completely out of character. She needs that assessment.

MIL has also got physical problems which are not being addressed and is not eating properly because her gas cooker broke months ago and has never been checked for safety or repaired/replaced. She is virtually immobile and has had no support to maintain what mobility she has.

DH is not prepared to listen to anything I have to say. After yet another row, after he said he wasn’t going to do anything, I asked him not to put me in a position where I had to go above his head. I don’t feel I have any choice. If her family won’t ensure that she is safe, at the lowest possible risk from falls, properly nourished, and receiving appropriate medical care, none of which has happened for the last three years, what else can I do?

On the other hand, if I ring the Safeguarding Department at the Council, even anonymously, that will almost certainly end my marriage. That might not matter, but I’m not 100% sure yet.

Does anyone have any insight into this, into why three adult children would collude to neglect their own mother?

Good wishes to you too, Sandwich.

I would have thought that my father's death would have helped my mother get a better perspective on what actually matters and what doesn't, but in fact it's been the opposite. Even trivial things become a very big deal. Again, I think that's fear, rage and a shrinking world.

Yes, Monica, I think you are right about the rage. I think my mother feels that with someone else in the house, she is losing control. It might seem petty to me to make a fuss about which cupboard the sugar is in, but when your world has shrunk then it might seem important to her.

www.careandchoice.co.uk/
This company. They are based in Horsham but will cover much further.

More hand-holding from me, too.

For anyone struggling with nastiness and unreasonableness, I recommend looking at the separate thread on this board about just that. Reading it was helpful for me. I wonder whether my mother's tirades and outbursts are symptomatic of something, but for the most part I think it's rage at her situation and at the world.

My mother has become so nasty and bitchy in the past few weeks. I fear the onset of dementia.

I went to see my DM today. She told me that she hoped I had learnt my lesson from the telling off she gave me, so that it didn't need to happen again. When I asked what on earth she was referring to, it was a meeting we had with the carer agency about four months ago, where I corrected some of the answers she was giving as they were quite key to their understanding of her needs. Staggering.

Checking in. I went to see my mum today, she has a live in carer that I am paying £800 a week for. I've booked the carer for 4 weeks, but mum doesn't get on with her. All I heard today was irrational bitching about the carer.
I told her that my sister and I are finding this very stressful, but when I told her that we have both seen our GPs and are on anti depressants, she just rolled her eyes. Hand holds and 💐💐💐💐 to all of you.

I agree. My understanding is that you are obliged to keep all monies and financial affairs completely seperate. You are also not allowed to borrow as an Attorney, so and debt would predate the arrangement. But speak to the Office of Public Guardian if you want full reassurance.

I would have thought you would only be responsible in terms of having to sort them out. You can't be made to pay another person's debts.

I've been told that if I do get power or attorney I will then be responsible for any debts in his name? Is this true?

Just texted my boss to say I won't be in, explained about my dad being in hospital. Feel guilty because I know they will be short staffed but I wouldn't be able to concentrate.

walking I am sure that would be compassionate leave, and I hope all goes as well as can be hoped for.