Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

Good for her!
My Dad has gone into a hospice today. Mum didn't want to leave him there because there is nothing festive in place- it's all calm and quiet. She's agreed to see if he is happy there tomorrow, and bring him out for Christmas. Realistically though, I'd be surprised. She's struggling with the idea of DNR, despite the fact that he is close to the end anyway.

Thank you everyone. I know you’re all right. It occurred to me just now that I keep putting DH last because I want to put him first, and that feels like being selfish. My brain is really stupid.

No care can be arranged now as all services are full, but she’s now in an elderly care ward and has announced she isn’t going to be bullied into going home without a full care package! That’s my old mum talking. 🙂

I also think that you and your DH needs to go and spend your time together. You and your husband has been through a lot and this is a great opportunity for the both of you. To relax, breathe and enjoy the outdoors.
Even though your DM is sick, I'm sure deep inside she wanted you to go and have a vacation with your husband. You deserve that vacation with your DH after all the events may have drained your energy. I'm sure your DM will be taken care of.
Have a Merry Christmas to all of you! May you find peace regardless of the unpleasant experiences you have with your family.

Would you want to stop other members of your family from going away in this situation? No? Than you must go. It's ok to have some time off.

As the other PPs on here will tell you, parents' ill health can go on for years- you need to pace yourself!

Guilt can weigh very heavily, but I think a trap we often fall into is thinking that anything we do to meet our own needs makes us selfish or a bad person. I saw a Facebook meme today that said something like "you can't pour from an empty jug". It's twee, maybe, but essentially true. You must do something to recharge your own batteries or you won't be able to keep doing what you're doing.

Janet - you and your husband clearly need a good holiday. Take a break, go to Australia, let other family members pick up the slack for a while and then you can return to the fray, refreshed.

I know Mull, but the guilt is horrible, and I feel like a terribly selfish person.

We’ve always had a friendly but never warm relationship, and she’s become more and more querulous and demanding over the years. I do understand, and sympathise, but I feel dreadful about leaving her and dumping on my DB and DS. OTOH DH will be gutted if we don’t go (although he will lie to me about that) and I fee bad about that too.

And my poor Mum, who used to be so independent and active. I just wish it wasn’t so 🙁.

Sorry I’m rambling. DH has given me therapeutic gin. 🍸

Sorry some outrageous typos there.

Should have said - she has a history of falls - maybe tripping, maybe fainting, no-one particularly interested whether they could be TIAs.

You need to go away! It is hard, but you will need the rest and the goodwill of your DH.

It is hard.

Hello. This is a big whinge.

The short of it is Mum, with multiple chronic conditions (RA, previous stroke, 2 artificial hips, poor kidney function) fell twice in the same day last week and was admitted to hospital. She’d had a history of occasional vomiting, controlled by medication, with a recent gastroscopy to rule out anything sinister. Then she developed D&V, the D part of which has lingered for a month. The hospital thinks her collapse was owing to dehydration, and the diarrhoea is now reducing in frequency.

Anyway, today I was told that she was medically fit to leave so she wanted to go and was going. After much wrangling with a (lovely) social worker and (also very switched on) nurse, Mum has (I think) agreed she needs a care package. She’s practically incontinent and can barely attend to her personal needs. Physios think she’s fine on the stairs (bathroom is upstairs) but I don’t believe she is. Her fall is attributed to dehydration, which may be so, but this doesn’t mean she will not be dehydrated again (diarrhoea) and fall again. Maybe downstairs, or be o. The floor for more than 6 hours this time. 🙁.

I’ve left the hospital slightly reassured that they won’t put her in a taxi in the morning, and are waiting for an assessment care package to be sorted out, but her lovely nurse is on a day off tomorrow, so who knows what Mum will be persuaded to by the optimistic medical staff.

I’d previously organised a private home help type package that was due to start the day after she was admitted. They are now trying to pull out all the stops to find something, but it’s looking like he second week in January.

I live and work an hour away. My brother lives close but works all over the country. Both of our houses are even less suitable than her own house, and we have our own families.

My husband has been seriously ill (OK now, for now) and we’re (supposed to be) going on a delayed holiday to Australia for three weeks on New Years Eve. The insurance won’t cover us for this kind of cancellation. My brother and grown up son (26) both say we should go.

And if I’m honest, alhough I feel guilty, I want to go. DH has been through the mill, and is so supportive of me, and deserves to go back (he used to live there for a while) while we’re still fit enough to see the great outdoors. He’d cancel if I wanted to and to hell with the cost, but still...

Sigh.... thanks for reading this far.

@scrabble1 have you been on this thread?

Yes, wishing everyone the best that Christmas can be for each of us, according to circumstances!

That's very kind of you, Zaza. Hope your Christmas too will be the best it can be.

Just dropping in to wish you all the best Christmas you can have. It will be a sad one for me as DM passed away in February and I have never had a Christmas without her before. However the last few when she was alive were fraught with the kind of difficulties you are all still facing, so not very happy either. I will try to enjoy this one despite the feeling of loss as she always wanted Christmas to be the best time of the year, and wouldn't want to think of me moping.
All the best to you all, may your Christmasses be free of hospital dashes and be the best you can get in the circumstances x

I had a good conversation with my brother. I'm going to leave him to it. I'll go down after Christmas for those anticlimax days.

Thank you all!

I hope you get to enjoy Christmas in all your different situations.

I'll have to go back to my usual name, now! I've quite enjoyed being called 'rage'!

Good luck to all trying to formulate plans.

I agree so much with what's been said about not wanting to wrangle with siblings and about one's own children seeing that kindness is important, but sometimes one might (perhaps) also need to recognise that siblings aren't doing as much as they could (within their own circumstances) and aren't very willing themselves to be kind, in which case what one's children are witnessing is the more amenable sibling being exploited. Resolving that dilemma is difficult.

Christmasrage - I'm sorry that things are now looking fraught. Having contingency plans is a wise approach, I think. However your Christmas turns out, I hope it will be calm and peaceful.

so sorry you have to go through that rage Christmas would be the perfect day to spend time with your parents. I hope you and your siblings can decide to spend Christmas with your parents before it's too late.

That sounds so familiar, Yolo. Just totally caught up in herself! I bet if DD hadn't gone, she would have complained that she never sees her! Might be projecting there, sorry!

Christmas is now looking confusing. My brother says he's going to go with his family and cook dinner. I think that will overwhelm my parents and be exhausting for them.
My sister says she'll send someone from her house over with a dinner, which is probably all they can manage anyway. To be honest though, he has dipped a lot this week and we could be looking at final days. I've emailed my brother and suggested we have a plan a, b, and c according to how dad is.

Well done for getting the carers in place, sandwich. That's a huge step.

ah she's batshit! went round this evening with DD1 fresh back from uni today, and she didnt even talk to her as was obsessed with car/no one apart from cleaner is tall enough to get christmas tree out of the cupboard/the fact she doesnt have a 2018 diary.. DD1 says she cant cope with it any more - and I sympathise totally. DD2 is more patient, but I think even hers will be tested sorely. rage I am sorry you are having to cope with that, much love

Oh dear! It's a start though. One step at a time. Acceptance of things that people have been avoiding is such a huge relief. My mum is now accepting Dad's time is short. It's sad, but so much easier than having to pretend.

oops, wasnt a car accident in Aug, and 'not good enough'!

Well here's a bit of a bright spot: since an accident in August DM has not driven and has now decided it is time to sell her car. This is a huge relief to me and thousands of other innocent road/pavement users. But (isnt there always one?) she wants me to drive her around the dealers to see what she can get for it. I have suggested we sell it through webuyanycar or similar - quick, easy, no being patronised by dealers and me having to pretend to know what I'm talking about. This is apparently good enough and perhaps DH can do it? DH is far too busy and having a work crisis (business partner got cancer) so I am not letting DH anywhere near it. Still, at least it keeps death off the roads I guess!!