Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

Mull so sorry your Dad is having to wait so long for help. It’s really crap,I’m not sure I’d be able to cope with that. I feel guilt as it is now. for you and your Dad. x

I’ve checked out the 3 rings plug. It looks great but unfortunately my mum won’t go for it at this stage, just because of the monthly subscription element. I am happy to pay it but she thinks it’s a waste when she hopes to be living independently for at least another 10 yrs.

I did buy her an echo dot for Christmas, and she loves it! She has to be sat next to it to hear, due to her deafness. But I tested it from both ends of her bungalow and Alexa could hear my commands. The drop in feature means I can contact her without her picking up the phone. I had an issue recently where she misplaced the phone on the base unit, so it didn’t charge and it was a week before she realised/I phoned her neighbour in a panic.

Mum sends me a text every morning (just to let me know she made it through the night ) so I can now pop on to the Alexa app and see what random question she has ask and know mums still her dotty self!

Thankfully she hasn’t had any falls but think I can make a case for 3 rings in the future if sending a text gets too much for her.

And that wasn't the ambulance, it was daughter and care trained grandchild. Mum doesn't ring ambulance anymore, she rings neighbours. If she can get two or three of them together they can do it.

That fall alarm scheme sounds excellent. It doesn't work like that where my parents are. They will only go through the programmed numbers. My dad has had several falls. the carers wont pick him up, even if they are there when he falls. The ambulance will take upwards of 5 hours. He spent 4 hours in the bath, covered with duvets, before anyone came to get him out.

I’ve thought long and hard about cameras for my parents house and am not keen.

I’m not happy about the privacy issues and also knowing how I am, I think I’d get obsessed with checking and it would add to my stress. I also don’t want to capture images that might haunt me later. I have turned up at the house and picked my dad up off the floor 5-6 times. I’m wary of seeing that image on my phone.

Have you had a look at Echo? My parents’ dementia is too advanced for them to learn new things so we haven’t explored it in depth with them in mind but it has interesting potential. You can now use it for calls.

We’ve got 3rings smart plug on the kettle and that’s set to give an alert if the kettle is not used between x and y times in the mornings. You can adjust it to whatever suits. They have updated the plugs now so they communicate with any phone network - makes them very reliable.

We’re trialling their new sensors - 2 motion detectors and a temperature sensor. Very good. You end up with a chart of what a typical day looks like so you can see if things are changing

The other thing i’ve learned is that you don’t necessarily want all emergency systems pointing only to you. That’s really stresssful. I’ve really campaigned with my parents to get them to use the council fall alarm scheme. It’s really good. They turn up quickly, get dad on his feet and basically safe and off they go.

Thanks so much for the 3 rings link, it sounds fab and I will check it out.

I probably will set up cameras for her, I just feels wrong at the moment, to soon maybe. She doesn’t have a history of falls or injuries, dementia etc. But 3 rings sounds great.
Thanks All xx

They do say that growing old is not for the fainthearted, don't they?

Hello you lovely people! I have read many post with a sage nod of recognition. My DM has had a horrible, horrible year. She's spent most of it in hospital and is now pretty much bed bound in a nursing home. I feel for those of you caring for parents who are trying to cling onto their independence in their own homes - I remember the stress and anxiety that caused. I know Mum's situation is very difficult, but I am trying to focus on the positives - her nursing home is lovely, the staff are so caring and it is very close to home. I pop in every couple of days, but it's really very difficult as although Mum knows what she is trying to say, what comes out is gobbledygook. All I can do is nod and agree. I think she was talking about her will today - I had to reassure her that she had sorted it out when she was competent & organised. She talks about Dad sometimes, which is heartbreaking as he died 7 years ago. She had a UTI and the home called the doc on Christmas night. The DR wanted to take her into hospital, which I refused, as she had such a horrible time in there earlier this year. It was the right call, as she's now taking her antibiotics and seems less confused (although still incoherent). Growing old is really quite crap isn't it!

We have 3rings. We’ve had the original smart plug for almost 2 years and it’s brilliant. We’ve also been trialling some of their internet of things sensors for the last couple of months

www.3rings.co.uk

There are things like personal alarms, fall mats etc. Why not CCTV if it would make her feel safe? Look at 3 rings, you plug it into a socket of something they use every day (eg kettle). If it hasn't been used by a certain time, it alerts you.

Hello Can I just pop in for some advice please?

My DM is in her 60’s and health so-so for now. She lives 100 miles away and is widowed. She has 1 set of good neighbours and 1set of awful ones. DM worries about safety. Has suggested internal CCTV in her bungalow so I could check in on her. I’ve said I feel uncomfortable with this, from a privacy perspective (hers, not mine).

She has a mobile phone, is happy using it but failing eyesight and hearing is proving difficult. She uses a magnifying glass to see the phone.

Can any of you suggest any products for personal safety? In case of a fall or injury etc. She does not want me to sign up to a monthly subscription for something she might never need. I’ve ruled out a smart watch as she just can’t see it well enough to use in an emergency. She loves her home and doesn’t want to move closer to me. I can’t move to her as our extended family, jobs, schools etc are all here. I want to help her remain independent for as long as she wants to be. Any other ideas? Is there something obvious I’ve missed? TIA

Last year I was very preoccupied with trying to plan ahead. Now I don’t. Just putting the best arrangements I can in place for the moment and taking advice as we go.

This (above) is very helpful and good to hear others agreeing. I am a planner. I mean I am an actual (town) planner and my job involves planning ahead. So the complete futility of doing so when we have no idea what's round the corner is really stressful. At the moment, I'd say there's a 50:50 chance that mum will die within the month, or that she'll improve and need to move to a nursing home. Coming home seems unlikely. Today I found a photo her friend sent her of a train trip they took around Romania back in September - only three months ago. It was very poignant, when at the moment we are excited if she opens her eyes and tries to say hello.

Am trying to remind myself that I can't do everything and the things I am doing are making life a bit easier for both of them. And they are safe.

I have a friend who trains people to work as carers for people with dementia and she gives me lots of great advice. I was fretting about planning ahead and she said just cross each bridge as you come to it. Ive also accepted we cant fix everything so just try and work on the most important and let some of it go.

We’re currently using 19 hours a week of care. We call them home help and just keep emphasising to mum that she’s entitled to get some help at this stage in her life. We’ve experimented with longer visits and different patterns and settled on this for the moment - an hour at breakfast, lunch and tea. In the early days we did specify what should happen but now we have an established team of carers, I leave it to them to judge. The agency are fantastic and work very hard at the chemistry. They aim to have a steady team of 3-4 carers covering all the hours so there is continuity and good relationships.

The futility of planning and making suggestions resonates- and it's Interesting to hear that unwelcome carers gradually became accepted with a tweaking of the time table. We may need that, if dad comes home. They are suggesting four times a day.

Have you found that being very clear about what happens in each visit helps? I think that is what mum needs.

And along you have made amazing progress, although this all sounds so very hard and a huge drain on you. I hope you have support to help you through this; remember to look after yourself in all of this too.

I agree; 'collateral damage' is spot on. But, with us at least, it's not just of dementia, but of ageing. Despite my dad's claims of 'losing his marbles' I don't think he's there as yet. So cruel to say it but in some ways I wonder if it would be easier if he was! I guess mum's diagnosis was the tipping point though and my dear brother (who has been fantastic in all of this - despite my dad slagging him off at every opportunity) and I are now clear that mum had been shielding us from Dad's true nature all along, although we had seen glimpses of course. I think what makes all of this so painful for me is that I am having to face up to some very unsavoury truths about my Dad - not just who he is now, but who he has always been. It's not that I/we had a difficult childhood by any stretch of the imagination, quite the opposite as our lovely mum made sure of that, but he just wasn't really 'present' in it. I really resent that now with kids of my own (who he barely interacts with), and I really want him to acknowledge that, but I know that at 88 it is too late to address this with him and he would never admit any responsibility anyway. So it's difficult to know what to do with all that anger. Thankfully I have therapy (and am a qualified therapist myself) !!

Collateral damage is a very apt description.

I too have abandoned any attempt to make plans as all my tentative suggestions (not even suggestions, actually, but merely a list of options) are dismissed. I'm resolved to dealing with things as they arise. And I could have written Karma's sentence about the departed partner being ashamed of the way the one left behind is behaving. I am quite sure my father would be appalled at some of my mother's behaviour.

oh along although you've done so so well that is heartbreaking...

Tough times here too. We saw this coming and moved to live near mum and dad in 2016. She’s 87 and has advanced Alzheimer’s but pretty good health in most ways. Dad had been her carer and was brilliant at it but he’s become very ill now - peripheral neuropathy destroying his mobility and vascular dementia has made an appearance. He’s incontinent and really struggling to manage it.

This time last year he was stuck in hospital and I was rowing with social services. Then mum got pneumonia and they were both in hospital, had poor discharge arrangements , lots of trouble.

We have used their savings to get carers and that has been fantastic. We’ve tweaked the timetable loads of times and eventually found a pattern that works. Mum battled it at first and was regularly kicking the carers out but as relationships have built up, she’s more accepting.

We also persuaded mum to join a day Centre. It’s expensive but worth every penny. Her wellbeing is improved and I’ve been very interested to see her start to be more accepting of her illness. She actually told us over Christmas lunch that she has dementia. It had been a taboo topic all these years, so that was amazing.

Also using some telecare and finding it useful - motion detector, temperature monitor, and a smart plug for the kettle.

Last year I was very preoccupied with trying to plan ahead. Now I don’t. Just putting the best arrangements I can in place for the moment and taking advice as we go.

But it’s hard. The whole family is experiencing the collateral damage of dementia.

karma and monica the not wishing her dead thing resonates with me too.

re the stairlift question, sorry cant remember who posted it, my DM got one (which goes round corners) via one of the military charities (Dad was navy) - so if anything similar applies that could be a route? think she had to pay something, but nowhere like the real cost.

Thanks MoreCheerfulMonica. And your sentence above: 'I don't wish her dead, but I'm coming to agree with her that dying soon might be the best thing.' - really resonates with me (and my brother - we've had this text conversation just this evening). But I also resent the enormous guilt that I feel around all of this. And in amongst it all the complex feelings of grief around losing our dear mum who barely gets a mention from Dad in all of this and who would have frankly been ashamed of the way my dad is behaving.

Hello, Karmagician. For me too, it's the constant outpourings of doom and gloom that are so draining. You're not awful to be aware of the effect that caring for your dad is having on your own health and wellbeing.