Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

sorry - my post above does appear rather random - I thought I was still on the page where alarms were being discussed - but it's a few pages back. Apologies for gatecrashing so rudely!

My dad has an alarm and has used it twice. Both times the service has been brilliant. They have first phoned an ambulance and then phoned me to tell me what's happened. Its invaluable if you ask me.

It's hard to know what to do.
I want to spend time with my dad before he dies.
I want to make sure he gets the best care.

I don't want to have to bite my tongue and tiptoe around my mother, though. When I last went down, I thought he may go within days, but he stabilised. So here we are.

I'm Christmasrage, by the way! Back under my usual name. I'll stay on this thread after we lose dad, because I'll still be supporting Mum. All the house move, PoA stuff, banking etc.

Welcome to the thread Justturned50. I'm also not sure about the process at the Memory Clinic but assuming it will provide some clarity on a diagnosis and what the options are going forward. Hoping it goes well for you both.
Pickle i'm with yolo: i'd think very carefully before moving back home. i think you have to insist that someone goes with your mother to the care meeting as this potentially has huge implications for all of you. i know it's hard though - watching their independence slowiy being eroded.

welcome just. pickleme can you really seriously consider moving back home? please look after yourself xx

I hope that assessment goes well! It's not something I know anything about, but I bet someone else does!

My mum is refusing to have anyone with her at the care meeting planned about my dad. We've been warned that she will need the support, as it will be quite technical and no punches will be pulled. They need to discuss the level of care he needs, how to pay for it, and how the disease will progress.

She insists she doesn't want us with her, as she wants to make her own decisions. However, she can't decide on a train set for her grandson and it took her so long to choose a wheelchair that it is too late for him to use it.

Hey ho. I can see myself moving back home for a while. If I knew how long for, it would be easier.

Hello all. Decided it might be time to join you all. DM has lived next door to me for 18 months or so and it as been hard work all the way. She looks after herself... just a about but copes with very little else by herself. Lots of confusion and anxiety. We have an appointment at the beginning of February to review her assessment at the Memory Clinic before Christmas. Not sure what to expect.

karma 24/7 - oh the horror! DM always wants more of me, on an emotional level, and I just dont want to give it, because once she has wormed something out of you she keeps on an on about it. eg I would never mention a row with DH or one of the DDs. There is a family gathering next week - DB, SIL (staying with DM), 2 of his girls plus partners and one small child (renting a cottage), and his son/wife and baby coming down for the day. The first thing she said to DB was "how lovely! I do hope the great grand children arent coming" He was fuming for 24 hours... yet she complains that she's lonely and never sees anyone. Sorry, that was a bit of a rant.

My resolutions: keep my emotional barriers up with her; continue running my brain cancer charity; accept that I am doing my best.

i agree this makes it all the more difficult. I would have done almost anything for my mum and not questioned it, but my dad was a very absent parent when we were growing up and now all he talks about is 'family' - and I'm tempted to say: "well if you don't put it in......" So yes, all about 'duty, which breeds resentment and, quite frankly, contempt at times. Thank you Sandwich and Monica for the stuff about focusing on the kind of people we want to be 'though, as I think this helps. I'm very aware that I can be guilty of doing lots of stuff for people (generally) and then being horribly disappointed if they don't appreciate it enough, so I think there's something there about being honest with myself about why I'm doing it - what's in it for me? But also if it's not making any apparent difference - and essentially therefore making me feel worse - then I need to stop doing it. As many of you have already said, I realise that even if I could be there 24/7 for my dad, (God forbid!), it still wouldn't be enough.

Happy New year to you all

Mum has a chest Infection but is on abx and feeling better

It's her b day tomorrow and promised to take her out - regretting that now

I'm planning on more time for me this year

We shall see!!

I agree re the theme. What I do for DM now I do out of duty, rather than love or care.

My new year's resolution if to put myself first once in a while. 2017 was a year when I was running on empty for most of the time, and I don't think I have another year of that left in me.

Good luck for 2018 all

I do think there's a theme, Popcorn. My mother has always been a difficult person with difficult behaviour. It shaped family life when I was a child and it does still.

There's a theme there- my mother was not a great parent. My sibs were at boarding schools and unhappy. I wonder if closer, more emotionally connected families manage these situations more positively- more cooperatively, and for those of us who find it particularly hard it's because of the nature of the parent.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Yolo and Sandwich - That resonates with me, too. My mother has never been the nurturing sort (shockingly the opposite at times) so I tell myself that, by trying to be kind to her, I am increasing the kindness in my life. I shall be making similar resolutions.

I wish you all a happy and peaceful 2018. I dont think anyone understands the stress of caring for elderly parents until it happens to you. DM is 87, as is FIL - yet the difference between them is quite extraordinary. I suppose it is that FIL has MIL still, while my dad died 21 years ago and that takes its toll. One thing I am finding very hard to process is that as DM gets even older, even less capable, even frailer, even deafer, and needs me more and more I find it harder to forgive that I was sent to boarding school at 10 and effectively never lived at 'home' again. So I was a little girl, sent away, but now I am doing the caring I didn't really get? it's quite a hard thing to process for me.

Last New Year’s Eve dad was in hospital and then mum admitted. She had a chest infection and 3rings plug alerted us she hadn’t used the kettle. Brother and DD2 (then 16) broke in and found the fever had gripped and she was hallucinating. Brother broke down crying so DD2 took control, called ambulance and went to hospital with her. I was there already with DD1.

We saw mum admitted, stopped and had a drink and left bang on midnight with all the fireworks going. Honestly if you saw it on TV you’d think it was corny rubbbish but that’s what happened.

I’m kind of amazed we’re still here a year later. Wasn’t sure they’d last the year and still both be at home. Went to see them this evening and they were in good form. I’m amazed by the carers - didn’t know much about the reality of their work before this and now I’m seeing it up close I’m deeply impressed

As 2017 comes to a close wishing you all strength and peace in 2018 x

That image of putting your own oxygen mask on first is spot on.

I just lost a post agreeing that it's very, very complicated. As a child (certainly in the era of my own childhood) one was taught that it's imperative to make one's parents happy and that's always there at the back of one's mind. The paradox I face now is that my mother is locked in a very negative pattern of thinking and behaving and is adamant that her situation can never improve, and yet wants more visits and more attention. By her own logic, that won't help her, and as she's frequently verbally abusive it's not something I relish. And yet, and yet.

headinhands perhaps you need to just properly take a couple of weeks out and focus on you or you sound like you could be heading for a nervous breakdown. I got to this point about a year ago and found myself crying with friends in a cafe one lunchtime who begged me to STOP. Thankfully i listened, returned to work and spoke to my manager to say that I needed to go home and take some time out.... I got signed off work for 2 weeks with stress and focused on getting me better. I told my dad - not the full story - but that I needed to take some time off work as wasn't well. I think it did jolt him into thinking about the toll all of this was taking on me and my brother - but unfortunately that didn't last long. Whether our parents appreciate it or not we DO have other commitments and, if we have young DC and partners of our own, we have other people that need us too. Please put yourself first for a while - it's the old adage of putting your own oxygen mask on first. Sending

Something I've been reflecting on recently is the difficulty in setting boundaries;

Gosh yes.* As a child you learn to make your parents happy. And that desire overhangs into adult hood even when what your parent wants isn't as simple as eating your cabbage, but it's about what they want in the moment and not seeing all your other commitments. Then I feel cross, (and sometimes It kicks up old hurts from childhood). It's really so complicated isn't it.*

Guilt is hard to deal with, because there is always more that one could be doing, if one had unlimited time and no other commitments, but that's not how things are for most of us. Something I've been reflecting on recently is the difficulty in setting boundaries; my mother has made it plain that she'd like daily visits (in fact she's envious of a widowed neighbour whose single son has moved back in with him) but that's just not possible. So on we plod.

Oh god the guilt! I have 2 SN dc, a dp that works away, full time job and a parent in EOLC. Between me and dp we see him twice a week. It's a 2 hr round trip. Have a dsis
who's 5 mins away from parent who visits a lot more and sorts out meds but we always attend medical stuff together. So the guilt is just the overwhelming feeling. Plus I've had my anxiety meds upped after a very difficult Christmas so can't drive as much so dp is shouldering more of the visits so I feel guilty about that too! Plus parent gets stroppy when I don't visit and dp does instead. It's excruciating when I think about it so trying to just deal with it 5 mins at a time. 💐 to all.