Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

completely agree about how weirdly comforting it is that we are not alone. when you see the TV appeals about eg invite an old person for lunch or befriend them, I honestly have to wonder if people actually know what they mght be taking on. but then I guess, strangers behave better than family so perhpas that is the way forward? you have my mum, I have yours etc

It is weirdly comforting to know it isn't just us, isn't it?

My dad is doing ok, and mum has agreed to have support at the meeting. They need to assess him for continuing care. Has anyone been through that?

Thanks *karma. (You noted how stressed I sounded) I was already thinking I wasn't feeling quite right and spoke to my GP and had my anxiety meds upped which has really helped. Ddad is v poorly but looks like a simple infection at the moment. But has finally agreed to a carer popping in on top of our visits.

Welcome Olive. I know what you mean - i thought that nobody could be as infuriating, selfish, ungrateful, self-obsessed, needy and such a hypochondriac...as my dad. But i landed here and actually it is weirdly comforting to know that he is just one of many!
Someone gave me a piece of advice yesterday when I was talking (raging!) about my dad and how I don't even really bother saying anything when I phone him every night as he is simply not interested. She said I should empathise at how difficult it all sounds, but then say that I still need him to be a father to me and a grandfather (to my children). I think this might hit home with him actually - perhaps not immediately. Just working up to giving it a shot!!

sandwich wow, I am having an ongoing pillow conversation at the moment - although for us it's dust mites and allergies. I've decided I'm just going to buy one and plop it on his bed. Who wouldn't welcome the treat of a nice new pillow???? ( well, we know)

Darn it, I'm going to cut my losses and buy him a new duvet too. Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Best wishes to all on the thread. And hope to meet everyone in time.

Thank you for the welcome sandwich

I;ve been reading through the thread, and see my own experiences mirroring many other posters. It's good to realise my old person isn't the only unsociable, stubborn, difficult to please/help elderly parent this side of the old folks home...

Sometimes I just don't know what to do about him. How to help him - because he won't countenance trying anything . Whenever I suggest anything/something - he sees only problems and reasons why it can't be done or its not a good idea. Dad, I know it's not easy getting older, but you still have a sharp mind - please be part of finding solutions to the problems and that way you are gaining some control again and will feel less frustrated with yourself.....

yolo are you me? My DM is exactly the same about going out. She recently went to a day centre a couple of times. Said someone stole her scarf, I suggested if it was in fact missing that maybe someone took it by accident. She said I always stick up for other people... But the funny thing was she'd ended up bringing home someone else's walking stick as well as her own (no irony there...). So she stopped going. I said that was entirely up to her if she wanted to stay home 24/7, but that I was not going to be creating a social life for her, or to involve her in mine.

absolutely, one day at a time. I might get a 'pass' tonight as we have friends coming round and I can claim that I am not on top of things (as a 1950s housewife she will understand that). then next week my DB etc will be here Tues-Fri, so the pressure is off DM wise for a bit. way hay, will no doubt drink way too much tonight!

She could choose to say nice things though! I can't see myself challenging my mum, either to be honest. She is very 'socially acceptable'. It's usually only in private that she gets nasty. She's currently picking holes in the care at the hospice- they did bring him and extra dose of steroid that had been dropped the day before. However, she isn't happy about his room, the nurses aren't making him walk enough, letting him waste away in bed...

She's going to hate being on her own- she'll have no one to criticise except herself and she'll tear herself to pieces. She won't consider coming to stay near me, because 'her heart sinks when she gets near' the area I live 'it's so depress8ng'. We do live near a big city, but our village is quite sweet with lovely dog walking, and a strong community she could tap into.

Still, one day at a time.

pickle it would devastate her, and I'm not prepared to do that. Its not her fault that she's deaf...

Yolo, what do you think would happen if you told her off for behaving badly? 'Mum, I'm not taking you out because you embarrass me, your mean comments are loud enough for everyone else to hear!'

A friend is 'telling it straight' to her mum at the moment. She says it helps. I'm not doing that to mine because of our situation, but I'm bearing it in mind for the future!

Thanks pickle I'll need to look at these options and then persuade her to try something like that.

she's pretty much housebound nowadays, deaf as a post... I am a bad daughter because I cant cope with taking her out unless for a medical appt. If I take her out to lunch she shouts really loudly (because she's deaf) but it's always either comments about how dreadful other people are or really personal things!!

Ah, yes. Well.

Could she help other people? Have a role there? Read with children at school? That sounds so familiar. DM is able, but quite isolated. When you make suggestions she's 'much to busy for that!' And gets rather 8ndignant. I prefer kids to parents, any day!

pickle (or christmasrage!) but how do you actually get them to engage? DM wont go to anything, "they're full of old people talking about their health" - yes I get the irony. She will go once but then complain about the people she met - too old, too ill, too common (not those words but that's what she means). She turns away any offers of socialising.

Age UK have a visiting service to support older residents- but they try to use it to encourage them to go out. So they will take them to a local group for the first few goes, etc.
Churches often have good activities- a regular lunch or coffee morning.
There will be other suitable groups as well, day centres who will collect etc.

We’re a small family and my brother has gone away for a long trip so it’s heavier than usually for me. It was ticking over reasonably well but now I’m having to plug gaps unexpectedly which is quite difficult. But I’m really keen to be proactive and avoid a hospital admission for either of them if we can, so I’m reducing my hours at work for a couple months

As I posted above, we had a very difficult time last winter so I’m being proactive about putting in more support where I think it will genuinely help. Having a strong relationship with the carers is a huge help. They’ll give me a heads up to concerns but manage a lot themselves - makes a huge difference.

Thanks alonglong your situation sounds hard going. Do you have anyone to share it with? I'm hoping some kind of diagnosis will open things up a little. I work full time and have children still at school so don't have a lot of time to spare.

I am not sure if everyone k own this. Those people with Alzheimer’s do. It have to pay The Community Charge.

My parents both have dementia and have both been seen by the memory service. Dad has vascular dementia and they basically just confirmed that and signed him off as there’s no treatment - not quite that brusque but that’s what it amounted to.

Mum has Alzheimer’s and she was assigned to a community dementia specialist nurse. He didn’t have loads to add as we’d already made good progress with carers by the time this happened, but it was useful to have her diagnosis confirmed. On the basis of his advice, we self referred to a dementia day centre, which she has been going to 3-4 times a week for the last couple of months. It’s hard work getting her organised and out the door (I’ve been out doing that this morning) but she loves it and it has raised her wellbeing generally. Dad is also welcome to go but he hasn’t liked it and prefers to stay home, so we maintain a lunchtime carer visit for him.

They were also asssessed by an OT from the memory service. Again, not much to add as we already have most of the specialist clocks etc and the carers are great, but I imagine a dementia specialist OT might be useful for someone earlier in their diagnosis

Thanks for making me welcome. Yes looking at some kind of dementia diagnosis I guess. DM is 82 so I'm hoping that it's partly age. I also think that she is depressed and suffers from anxiety (as I do) and that things will stabilise a little the more she settles. The move was an enormous upheaval and she left her friends and networks behind.

What do folks do about company for their older relatives. DM doesn't go our alone so it's just me popping in. She doesn't make phone calls to old friends so just sits a lot of the time.