Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

I second not 'propping up' an unsustainable situation, and pacing yourself.
They shouldn't be truly dependent on you for all sorts of reasons, and you can't afford to exhaust yourself looking after them.
You should go back to work if you want to- you have a long life ahead of you to think of.

Use returning to Work as the impetus and excuse for getting them sorted out. Work out how long you want to spend with them (a meal a week? Two visits after work a week?) and stick to that.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you have to keep your own and your family's situation healthy.

Its just over £55 a week.

The thing to think of is what your dad could do if your mum were not there. If he would definitely need external help during the day, he should apply.

If you could somehow get them to apply suggesting this would allow them to pay for somethings around the house that they are now struggling with, you get their consent for both the application and for the help!

The problem is that you have to be quite blunt about your dads problems. I suspect they are in denial about some of his memory issues. I managed to use the ruse that my mum did not have capacity so I was able to sign on her behalf. Even so I struggled to be realistic about her problems, but was rescued by the manager of her sheltered housing who rewrote it for me.

I hate to say it but not taking the help available is pretty typical. Everything rumbles on until there is a crisis. However you need to make sure you are not used to prop up an unsustainable edifice. Pace yourself. I have been involved since my daughter was 10. She is almost 20 now. My mother could live another decade. You are offering a partial solution. They will probably say no, but this gives you a bit of a get out when they call on you to do something for them.

(With Attendance Allowance there is nothing to stop them giving he money to you to help pay for your time, if that is a factor. Actually there is nothing to stop them spending it on chocolate or gin, though either might be of more use to you.)

Perhaps they are getting confused then Need - I will investigate further.

Attendance Allowance is NOT means tested. That's the joy of it.

It is extra money so something that psychologically DPs might be willing to spend on making their lives easier. (Cleaner, taxis, etc. I think it is to encourage people to stay in their own homes.) If your dad were to get it, "being in receipt of benefit" opens the door to other things and acts as a quick confirmation that he is essentially disabled. Not least he may have exemption from Council Tax meaning your mother would only have to pay the single rate.

I don't know much about carers allowance. However if you are not earning you might qualify.

yolofish my cousin is married, not working and no children but cannot drive. I will have to say no to the trip - I just can't do it. If she wants to take a look at the property then she can do so, I will happily discuss things with him on the phone but for now I can't do any more.
I checked with DM following need's advice and she had both allowances reassessed and they no longer qualify. They have a good income from pensions and investments so I guess that is why.
I don't mind putting down the rat poison. Perhaps the frequency is the issue as I think they put one lot down and then leave it. I am round there often enough and it will only take too minutes.
I think it is just realising that this is my life now for the foreseeable future, and reading back on the thread I can identify with a lot of the comments as my relationship with my parents has never been very close so this feels very strange.
My DM is 82 - her mother lived to 100. This could go on for a very long time. Please don't think ill of me for saying that. I am glad to have them around and would not wish anything bad to happen to them, I just feel very alone with what needs to be done.

As Yolo says, see if the cousin can take on the uncle while you manage your parents. Or suggest leaving it a few months until you have made some progress with your DPs.

Vermin specialists may be worth a try- a firm like rentokill or envirotec come in on a regular basis, bait the traps etc.
And if they will pay, hire a cleaner who will help with decluttering. You could work alongside her, one room at a time, one visit a week. Start on the bathrooms (less junk, needs deep cleaning), then kitchen. Do their main sitting room, moving excess stuff into a spare room for later attention. When those areas are done, the rest is less urgent and can be combined with maintenance of the existing areas. If you can get DPs to go out while you do it, even better!

shop that sounds very hard, and need's advice is good. You have a 6 yo - that doesnt actually mean you are a SAHM, as you are stuck with school routines, have to be on call for illness etc, and you are effectively limited in the time you have available to help to within school hours. Please remember that you are already working very hard!!
Rats - (I'm a chicken keeper...) poison will work, but you have to repeat every 7-10 days religiously so if they are not up to it then someone else will have to do it (pref not you).
Attendance & carers allowance - I tried, but the income threshhold is ridiculously low, I'm self-employed and virtually non-tax payer, but still dont qualify.
Flying to your uncle's? I think you have enough on your plate, what else is the cousin juggling?

Thanks needmoresleep
I have discussed whether they would downsize with them and it is an outright no. DM created the garden at the property from scratch and has said her one wish is to not leave the house as she wants to continue to tend to the garden for as long as she can. They have installed stairlifts, and longer term there would be the option for them to live on one floor if necessary.
With regards the rats I have said that they should be reported to the council but they keep putting poison down and saying it will get sorted. Perhaps I need to report anonymously but I have no idea how I could say I'd seen them as they are not overlooked. Same situation with regards to the cleaning, they do not believe there is an issue - they have always lived this way. I can't bear it.
I have registered myself as a carer but was unaware of attendance & carers allowance. I will investigate.

Take a step back and consider what they really need. They may want things but it is not your job to facilitate them if you cannot offer the capacity.

Will they accept a move to sheltered housing? Not least a move would force them to declutter. Or at least store some of the stuff outside their living area.

Rats are a health issue. You need to phone the Council. What if there were a baby next door. If they have money why not get prof cleaners in to do a deep clean. (Ask the Council housing dept or letting agents or SS might know for recommendations.) A weekly cleaner can follow. It will be important to get someone coming in as their needs will grow.

Some things, like sorting out LPAs, tax and finance are one off. The trick is to outsource as much of the routine stuff as you can. This frees you up to do the other things they would welcome such as a chat and a cup of tea.

Have you looked into Attendance Allowance? And carers allowance if you qualify.

Hello. Can I drop in here for a handhold please? I have no idea where to start.
DF (82) had kidney cancer in 2014 and a stroke in 2016 which he recovered from. He has a weakness in his left side but can still feed himself and clothe himself. His short term memory is awful but he can still remember things from years ago. He is just not very present. I have never had a massively strong relationship with my parents. When they were well we would speak on the phone once a fortnight, and perhaps catch up face to face once a month (even though they live locally). This was mutual choice and everyone was happy. My father now has progressive heart failure and COPD. In the last 18 months he has been in and out of hospital and we are now in a constant cycle of tests and hospital appointments. He spends his days sat in a chair watching TV.
My DM has her own health issues, AF, diabetes controlled by tablets, and back problems. She is currently caring for DF.
I have a 6yo DS and am a SAHM so in theory I should have plenty of time, but the reality is that the whole situation is totally overwhelming. Their house is (and always has been) an absolute tip. In the old days, when they went on summer holiday I would take 4-5 days out to clean it top to bottom. They no longer go on holiday and my DM does not believe there is an issue with her levels of cleanliness. When my DS plays on the floor his knees and hands are filthy, food is left on the sides, there is not a clear surface to be seen and there are rats in the garden living in the compost heap.
At one point they did get a cleaner but she (quite rightly) refused to go back as she can't clean when there is so much rubbish around. Papers pile up on the floor and provide constant trip hazards. I just have no idea what to do.They are not hoarders as such, they just have 30 years of detritus built up. I have a DB but he lives abroad and works so all of this falls to me. I would have gone back to work myself by now but I just don't see how I can when there is always something they need help with.
My DM was robbed in the summer and had £30k stolen from her bank account so for 3 months I was in a constant battle with the bank to get her money refunded, once that was sorted there were LPAs to put in place, not it is tax stuff. It never ends.
To top it all off I have an elderly batchelor Uncle who lives the other end of the country from me who has now been diagnosed with osteoporosis and is struggling to walk. My cousin is suggesting we fly to visit him and see how we can help. I feel like I have run out of capacity to do anymore. No idea what I'm asking really - I just wanted to get it out there.
I will always help them - they supported me growing up and I will never let them down. I am just struggling.

I am daily grateful to my siblings who are all reasonably local. My DS takes more than her fair share of the burden as she has less other pulls on her emotional energy at times although not her time. I hope she feels we are all suitably appreciative. It is so tough managing ailing elderly parents and if I was doing it alone I would be sinking by now.

I'd be lost without my sister. We keep each other sane and allow ourselves to have a giggle about some of the funnier things. I really feel for people who don't have siblings or even siblings that are involved with elderly parents. Me and my sis always make sure we're looking after ourselves too because we need each other so much!

My parents both have dementia. Mum has advanced Alzheimer’s and not really any of the behavioural issues others are describing. She is very repetitive but we don’t mind and we have a set of stock answers to some of her worries. Dad has early stage vascular dementia and it has changed his personality. He was always the mildest, kindest man and now he can sometimes be sharp and rude. He doesn’t seem to be able to filter his hearing so he will answer other people’s conversations in public places, which I find embarrassing, though they never seem to notice.

I do think dementia is a big source of change - in our case at least. Such an isolating, anxiety provoking condition. And they say people have been worrying and aware of memory issues for typically 4 years before they seek diagnosis

it is very hard when you realise you are not so fond of the person they have become... I'm lucky that my brother thinks very much the same way as me - do others have much family support? even tho DB and family live 200 miles away they help as much as they can, and he is a good person to offload to.

Oh, notaflyingmonkey, that sounds very distressing and wearing for you. And it also makes me wonder whether my mother has some dementia, as she behaves in a very similar way (although, as you say, underlying personality traits also play a part here).

I think DM is long past the point of me getting her to play the mother/grandmother role. She is totally wrapped up in herself, tells the same stories about herself at least once a visit, usually more, at least one of which is about the size of her breasts shrinking in old age. I don't blame my kids for not wanting to come and visit her, I go out of duty only. She is totally self centred and selfish, not remotely interested in anyone else, and dismissive of conversation other than that which has her as the subject matter. Whilst this is largely down to the dementia, for me it has thrown her personality into sharper contrast.

I like the "what are you going to do about that" tactic and may well try it - we'll see. Having sold her car, DM realises she needs to get organised, book taxis etc for when she wants to go out.
DD2 goes back to uni at 6am tomorow (DH taking her) and DM was v pissed off she didnt come with me to see her tonight. on the other hand, she still doing uni work, packing and emotional farewell with the boyf, so in her position I'd have stayed home too...

Headinhands - great to hear that you are on top of this and that your dad has agreed to a carer visiting - that will take a little weight off at least. Pickle - also fantastic to hear that your mum has agreed to support at the meeting. Little victories! As far as swapping the elderlies - great idea, but i'm not not sure if it's that our parents behave better for 'strangers' (certainly not the case for my dad who manages to piss off most people he comes across!), but rather that it is just easier to deal with people when you are not related to them - whether that's parents or children! I guess you're just not so invested.... Monica sorry it's getting you down - I think I go through peaks and troughs too with it all. I agree to a degree about 'only pushing at doors that may open' (great phrase Needmore!), but I also believe that sometimes it is just about voicing these things, whether they hit their target or not. So whilst I probably won't drag up all the times my dad wasn't there for us when we were kids....which feels pointless as I know he won't admit to that, take responsibility, apologise or see the irony in expecting us to be there 24/7 for him now ... saying that I still need him to take some responsibility as a father and grandfather - whether it changes anything or not, I can see would potentially make me feel better. I agree too that batting it back as in 'What are you going to do about that?' sounds like a good tactic too, as it is recognising that they still have some control and still need to take some responsibility for what happens to them.

Yes, it's about only pushing on doors that might open, but also about passing back the responsibility. As I've mentioned, my mother's most pressing problem is loneliness and isolation, but everything I suggest is dismissed out of hand. Asking what she's going to do about it is in part about encouraging her to recognise that the only person who can improve her social life is, ultimately, her.

Monica, I look at it in a similar way.

I will only push at doors that can open.

I am very protective of my own emotional and energy reserves.

So during the years my mother was in her own home, refusing help and very unsafe, and DB content that she was OK, I parked it. Her decision, her problem. She later told me she got stuck in the bath one day and thought she would die there - no alarm, no neighbour with a spare key etc. I saved my energy for the inevitable crisis, with her in hospital and armed with a POA, I moved her to sheltered housing with built in company and support. I did an awful lot then, but only because there was some point to it. To be honest I let any moaning about things I can't do much about, float over me (and try to let the insults do the same). She is, actually, generally happy though a couple of years ago when she was not, and struggled to find a reason to get out of bed, I organised for her to be subscribed anti-depressants, which worked better than I had hoped.

Thank you for the !

Obviously, my counsellor is talking about me and my situation, but there seem to be enough similarities with what others here are facing that it might be worth sharing.

Sorry you are feeling down about it all, Monica.

Helpful point from your counsellor, thanks!

Thank you, alwaysonthepiste!

I've been away from the thread for a few days because I've been feeling very down about everything, but wanted to chip in on the subject of "telling it like it is" (or not). This is something I've discussed with a counsellor. Her advice - and I think she's right - is that my mother's world view is so entrenched that I'd be wasting my breath. I am not, therefore, going to point out that it is nonsense to complain in the same sentence that one is lonely and yet insist that every social opportunity that presents itself is inconvenient, unsuitable or impractical. My stock reply (also suggested by the counsellor) is now "what are you going to do about that?"

I love reading this thread. It is so comforting to find similar events happening in all our lives. Of my 2 most recent visits to my parents ( hoping to taking pressure of dsis) we have ended up in a&e. Bad/good timing? Anyway Mum discharged this evening back to home with further visit from nurse planned, but also catheter fitted which is all new. Eeeek. Had peeps in this week to quote for stairlift which will save dm extreme effort and time, for dsis also.
Where I live, one can wish bonne année to people right thru January, so keep healthy and happy for yourselves and loved ones.

My friends won't swap their mums... I've asked!