I'll try to be brief. DM has dementia (not yet diagnosed but very obvious). DDad is fine mentally but starting to lose mobility. They live in a big house in the country. Dad drives and does everything - shopping, cooking, organising. DM loses things, forgets everything, doesn't know where she is half the time (even at home), and has every appearance of anxiety and depression (also undiagnosed) - often distressed, lots of tears etc, and pain from arthritis. Dad is a saint dealing with her moods etc and very patient but not always brilliant at sorting her out (e.g. when they came to visit last week she had no coat, and not enough clothes packed). DM is also paranoid so won't accept help and genuinely thinks everyone is out to get her.
I live in London. They are 3-4 hours away. My DB is abroad. For years they have been talking about moving - downsizing, being nearer me and the DGC. We have been looking at houses on our road. DM is very keen on the idea most of time (but swings around too). Dad just wants a quiet life, and if she wasn't so keen would v happily stay put where they are, or move into sheltered accommodation. He sometimes thinks it's too late to move at all.
The idea of moving now seems absurd. They could never pack up the house, or decide what to keep, or cope with the move. But staying put is impossible long term too I'd have thought as DM will never accept carers until she is too far gone to have a say - by which time Dad will be on his knees.
Obviously I need to step up and do what I can - I've already pencilled in a load of weekends to go and visit etc. But there's a limit to what I can do from this distance other than phone often (so Dad has someone to talk to mostly - he must be so lonely as she can't have a normal conversation anymore).
So, people with experience of this dilemma, how did it work out for you?