Another crisis and not sure i can manage this one

I'm sorry Bob, that must be tough to see He sounds fairly similar to my Mother, though I think she can manage a few more words but is apparently very slurry. Are you thinking they will try and take his CHC because he isn't behaviourally challenging?

Very good idea to include your Brother and agree he needs to hear it from someone other than you. Maybe if he doesn't attend, someone from your Dad's care team could speak to him?

You definitely need a calmer Christmas Day Bob I'm starting to like it a bit more now it can be a day of just chilling and not meeting other's expectations.

Is is still quiet on the hospital front ?

Hi Bob. SPT speaks sense- listen to her! Please take it easy. You have done so much.
My oldies- stable thank you! Fil in a care home where they look after him well- he is paralysed down one side but appreciates visitors. Dm is stable- in some pain but does get pleasure from trips to the garden centre, etc. Brothers continue to be useless... So all calm touch wood. I am trying to limit what I do- and put myself and dd first. Take care.

I'm so very sorry about your Mum If you aren't well and can't do it then someone else will step in and do it as they would in cases where someone has no family. I think it's really important for your sake and the sake of your DC's that you continue to be passive and gradually recover your strength. I didn't know that about the CHC but it sounds as if saying that is the way forward.

Fully get your worries about your Brother and think that's another reason why it's important for you to remain passive in this. You don't have to pay for your Dad's reluctance to face up to your Brother's issues for years. It's not as if you're doing nothing, you've been sorting the flat issue which is stress enough on its own.

I did mention counselling to my Brother but he said he doesn't need it. He is definitely emotionally detaching now and is prepared to hear a few of the things I found out from my Aunt and old letters whereas previously he said he didn't want to know. It's been a bit of a difficult weekend in a way as have been doing Christmas with Dad and Stepmum. It's been lovely but situation in Thailand has brought things back fir DH about his Dad and DD has been upset about FIL and my Mother. We're just going to be the 4 of us for Christmas and I am really looking forward to pulling up the drawbridge so to speak.

If your dad is CHC funded then it is the responsibility of the CCG not you to find him a placement if he cannot return home. It is also their responsibility to manage any discharge from hospital. If the hospital ring you again tell them that as he is CHC funded all discharge decisions must go via the CHC.

Bob there's a lot all wrapped together there. I'm sorry you're feeling low but if you step back and look at it quite objectively I think it would take a miracle not to in the circumstances, I'm really glad your GP has signed you off and as thesandwich says, that does mean they are concerned about you. You're having a very normal reaction to a very difficult situation and your body and mind are sensibly saying that's enough now.

I'm playing devil's advocate here a bit but think at this point when you are signed off with high blood pressure and feeling pretty low you need to ask yourself whether you are actually medically well enough to do any clearance or organisation at the moment ? If I had to guess at what you'd say to that I suspect you'll say no you're not but you have to as it needs to be done and there's no one else to do it. I could be way off with this and apologise hugely in advance for putting words into your mouth but am worried about the enormous pressure you're under right now

Oh Bob I am sorry. If the gp has signed you off they are still concerned about you.
Is there someone who could help sort? An independent voice could help? Stuff has so much in terms of associations etc and it is so hard. Do whatever you can to make it easier- just do the essentials. Look after yourself. How are you feeling?

How are you doing Bob? Hope you are feeling better.

Bob well done for sitting on your hands on this- I know how hard it must be but you need to do it girl your health and sanity. NMS is spot on as always- we cannot make things right or what they want- just what can be done and often by others. Take it easy.

And I hate to say this but it seems to be part of the bereavement. Essentially your parent becomes a problem to be managed. Yes they may state preferences, like SPT's mother on the other thread expecting to go to California, but you know what they want is unreaslistic, so you have to make decisions on your own taking on board what setting will be best for them and where they will be most content.

It makes it easier. But is sad nonetheless.

Bob, you have just added to my store of random knowledge. I have just googled my council. Incontinence pads can be double bagged and put in ordinary waste. Syringes however qualify for a special collection.

In the meantime sit tight and rest. At the moment it is someone else's problem.

Hello, sorry to hear this. Can you talk to the hospital social workers? They should be there, if you can hunt them down.

We had a very similar situation with my mother at the start of this year. I took photos of the house, which was the only way of convincing them that the place was unsuitable for her to return too (massive hoarding issues too). I also - as advised on here - used the phrase 'unsafe discharge' a lot, and in the end they did listen and found her a month's place in a nursing home for assessment.

Also, the social workers were very good at putting me in touch with cleaning firms who specialise in this kind of clearing - I dealt with two, both of whom were very sensitive, helpful and good at distinguishing between important personal possessions and rubbish. And didn't judge at all.

Yuck but I guess that is a help for some ! Well done, you're doing brilliantly

Well done for realising your limits and sticking to them Bob. So sorry there is yet another layer of stress added with him now in hospital. I think not chasing is definitely good, see how it pans out. The bed blocking issue will focus the professionals thinking I suspect, see what they suggest.

Oh Bob. Well done for sticking to your guns. Wise words from all on here- but you cannot do it all. Take that time out. Look after yourself.

Bob. Sorry I missed your post. I hope it does not look as bleak today. All my sympathy is there, but instead getting to the point.

1. Your dad can't continue at home. Everyone has done as much as they can and that cost now is too high

1. What are the options for your brother. I would have thought some sort of sheltered/community option. Staying where he is on his own would not be good for him. Does he have some sort of key worker. Tell them your dad has reached the end of the road. Your brother needs to move. He won't like change but it will be in his interest. You could always say that you will need to sell the house to pay care home costs.

1. Clearing the garage. Don't do this on your own. It goes much faster with others. It's like the TV programmes. Others can be more detatched. 3 hours, nice pub lunch then another 3 hours. With two or three others you can real headway. Perhaps a chance for the long suggested MN meet up. (Seriously I'm game.)

1. Rental property. Aaarrrgh. Yes there is money to be made but it is hard work. Get the building work done and get to the end of the tenancy. Then if you have a decent agent give them management. If you don't, sell. The personal cost is too high

I think that's it. Ohh also if you can't face any of this then don't. Things curiously won't fall apart, or more probably they need to and if you are not there someone else will have to pick up the tasks.

How are you doing Bob?

It's a T shirt I'd rather you don't have to wear too but sadly I think it is the nature of the Beast aka Dementia. I think the DN referral adds more grist to the mill in a case conference. I suspect there is an element of waiting to see what you do to be honest but could be wrong.

I'm glad your GP was sympathetic and think you are right to take more time off until you feel stronger. It's 2 years ago this month that my Mother went into Care and I still find my blood pressure shoots up with stressful things, it did it today as we've had difficulty with DS and school but I do know now when I have to take a bit of time out.

It feels like a horrible thing to do but I would recommend emailing SS to say you are currently unwell and in medical advice can't be involved in your Dad's care, so it's in writing. Say you support whatever decision they feel is the right one now as you trust them to act in your Dad's best interests . It doesn't feel good but in the words of my counsellor - is it your guilt to feel? It's not, it's the horrible circumstances you're in, no one's fault but the disease.

Deciding to take time off and to step back if that's what you do decide to do, are very positive steps. I think looking back you'll probably see this time as the crisis point but the time when hard decisions were taken that led your Dad to getting the care he needs and you protecting your health and being there for your children.

Also with your Brother in the picture it is better for your future relationship if this decision comes from the professionals. Take care and please keep posting, even if it just a massive scream.