I could scream!

She's moved into a sheltered housing flat. Supposed to have moved today but they did it yesterday instead. Yes the alam went off because there was no heating on so the temperature had dropped. Dsm rang me this morning and left a message, she sounded absolutely lost but because she only has a mobile which she can't use that well, when I rang her she couldn't answer it. At just after five I got another call from the care phone people, another alarm! The system hadn't been updated with either dsm having moved or sb number added, they were very apologetic. This was followed by a call from the short term care team from the council. They couldn't get entry to the flats as the intercom system isn't working and they no phone number for dsm. Yet again having to explain that I'm not the contact they need and padding sb phone numbers on. It's like knitting fog, trying to sort this lot out.
Dsm has managed to ring me, she seems to be able toake calls but not answer them although she wasn't sure who'd shed phoned. Didn't really make much sense but wanted someone to go as she couldn't change the TV channel. God love her

Oh dear! Where did they move her to? And did the alarm go off because the temperature fell below a certain threshold?

And this morning at 6.50 I get a phone call from the care phone people to say the temperature alarm has gone off. Apparently they sent a car to check on dsm but the key wasn't in the keysafe and there was no answer from the door or phone so they rang me. It turns out that my sbs moved dsm yesterday, though didn't think to let me know. I'd already told the care phone people as they'd called me two weeks ago regarding changing a battery,that dsm was moving today, and had given them sb numbers. It seems now that the maintenance is outsourced to a different company so hadn't been passed on.
I had to ring one sb straight away to find out where dsm was. He wasn't too happy as I woke him up so I explained that I'd been told if I couldn't go over or get someone else there ASAP they would call the police and they would force entry!

So sorry to hear about your dad. It's horrible to watch.
I forgot about the nc, a Christmas one.
My sbs are an odd pair, the youngest does care and will try to help dsm but by his own admission he isn't keen on medical matters or official things. The other sb couldn't really give a flying f about much other than money, harsh but true.

Mince the whole thing is sad. I am struggling a lot at the moment myself, my dad is in hospital, he has deteriorated hugely in the last few weeks and it;s unsure whether he'll come home. To top it all, it's the 21st anniversary of my mum dying suddenly.
Just wondering about your SBS- I wonder whether incompetence sometimes can be a strategy "see I'm not very good at this, someone else please do it". Hopefully when they realise the responsibility lies with them they'll sharpen their act a little.
Be kind to yourself you've been through a lot.
PS have you NCd?

Thanks. I don't think it's blunt but honest. I think that having gone through so much with my dad and having to pick up for dsm by myself I'm maybe a bit unreasonable with my expectactions. Both sbs are in their forties so aren't kids. I just thought they'd have a bit more wit, like making sure dsm would have carers starting immediately, sorting a house phone and arranging a new doctor and pharmacy before she moved.
I think as well if I'm honest that I feel quite sad. My poor dad is in full time care and dsm is moving away from the family home, not through choice but need.

Mince pie I'm tempted to say you must let go of these practical things and consistently hand things back to the SBS. They will not do everything logically or even competently but one thing i've learnt with my demented Dad is there are few perfect solutions to all the challenges dementia throws at you. The main thing is they are in the picture, and you are backing off. Sorry if this comes across as blunt.

Tuesday I received a phone call from dsm new care provider, the message was to arrange a welcome meeting before her care starts on the 16 th and could I ring back to arrange a day! when I spoke to them the first thing I did was to ask how they had my number, the lady was quite taken aback, she said it was from social services though it seems odd that as I've passed on sb details to social services and it wa eventually sb who contacted them to sort out the new care provider for dsm. I explained that I've passed on dsm care to my sb and gave them his number. Worried also that dsm moves tomorrow but from the message saying for the care to start on the 16th, she will be without any care for two days.
It turns out that my sbs haven't got a landline installed at the new flat but are going to see how she gets on with a mobile, a tiny little pay as you go thing! She has two tiny phones, ones a flip thing. Neither has she been able to master. I spent hours going through both with her and I'm talking a year ago , putting how to use notes in her diary, but she still had to type the numbers in rather than use the contacts. It didn't matter so much as it was only for occasional use, house phone not working or if she was stuck when out and about. I'd had to set up top up payments on my card for her because she wasn't able to do this herself. She kept losing the chargers, just after last Christmas the house phone wasn't working so she asked her neighbour to help her with the mobile, and then she kept ringing me to say it needed charging! I'd put the charger in her handbag but it had gone walk about but she couldn't remember what it looked like. I'm having to bite my lip with this kind of thing, I'm full of cold and feeling lousy so I'm not at my best but! Is it really such a great idea to just wait and see how she gets on with a mobile?

Sounds like you've made some very positive headway. I spoke from personal experience. I care for both of my parents my DSis never steps up just says 'I don't know what to do' . I got so exhausted I simply informed her I was going away and she needed to step up. Told my parents to contact her that week. DH took me away for a much needed rest. It was hard for me not to check on them but my SIS now knows what to do and has a better understanding of how hard it can be.

Strategic sickness...... Seriously I was once in a job with a near impossible workload. My predecessor took me out to lunch as suggested I went off sick for a couple of weeks. Only when bosses had to cover would they realise how much there was, would they listen. I was too honest, but he was right.

One approach, depending on family dynamics, might be for your husband to write, quite formally, to your step brothers. (Its what we may do if caring for my mother becomes too much for me. It would mean that any conversation is one step removed and so less chance for emotions/hfamily history to come into play.)

So, your DH is concerned for you. You have a lot on your plate and this has been gong on for quite a while. You have both given it some deep thought. The move is a good time to review things. You have been advised (no need for detail but imply that the GP has given you a clear warning to reduce your stress levels because it is triggering something nasty) to cut down where you can, and you will not be able to oversee this. You will also need one of them to take over as first point of contact with the various agencies.

You care for and respect your DSM deeply and would want to continue to visit and help where you can. However with other priorities including your DF, you cannot continue to be primary contact for your DSM. Could they let you know who will take this on and you will provide contacts and details of where things are.

The stereotype is that men expect female siblings to be carers. So the tone might be a bit man to man protecting his female. The content should be clear, constructive and reasonable. You have already decided you cant do it all. You could write the letter, but somehow we feel, given recent and even childhood history, that if we need to, it will be less messy coming from DH.

Then lie low. Offer perhaps to help with packing, unpacking but actually better to take a break and allow yourself some time to enjoy your family, see your father and simply do nothing. Indeed in the short term it might be better not to visit so you don't know about lightbulbs, and if anyone phones, simply and quickly tell them to phone your DSBs. I think you will find you are tireder than you realise, and the relief at not having to worry about phone calls is huge.

SCBA you need to be honest with yourself. Are you ready and prepared to let your SBs take responsibility for their own mother?

As long as you helicopter over them they won't do things because they know full well you will rescue the situation.

If you are really want the SBs to take responsibility then email social workers, doctors, hospital, care agency and so on with the new contact/NOK details. Copy to the SBs and step away. They may struggle and make mistakes but you have to let them.

SCBA, You're still doing the heavy lifting - stop it now! DSM has two healthy sons to care for her, and what if one of them works nights? He'll be available all day! Get out from under, put all DSM's papers in an envelope and send it to the elder son. YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH! . You need a break, take one.

Just pass it on to your stepbrothers, FGS there's 2 of them and only 1 of you! Am sure they can come to some arrangement between them to look after their mother (and it sounds like one has a partner so that's another pair of hands), which they would have had to do if you were not involved. I've now only got mum to deal with but it would really p*ss me off if there were other siblings who were able to help but chose not to. It's time for them to step up to the plate and it sounds like there are professionals involved too, so they won't be without advice. Perhaps if the professionals start nagging them they might actually do something.

You've got your dad and your own life and family to manage and that's more than enough I'm sure. If both my parents were ill in different locations etc at the same time I would have had to choose (am an only) and delegate the other one to another distant family member (and probably have to pay for their time, fair enough) or professional. You have 2 grown men available to help and I think they should be forced encouraged to do so by referring the professionals to them- perhaps ccing them into emails if they are sent by the CPN, e.g 'x, what do you think?' So the CPN can see that they are involved and need to be chased kicked up the arse to reply.

SCBA - you're doing far too much of the heavy lifting. Your SB's are content to let you. Stop doing it. That may sound harsh, but you DSM has two healthy sons and it is their prime responsibility to care for their mother. You've your dad to look after and that is more than enough for you. Be blunt to the point of rudeness if necessary and write to both SB's saying "Over to you - don't ring me." You deserve them!

Melfish it's so true there's so much crap to deal with. Today i have sent 3 emails to do with Dad's affairs, earlier in the week I had to find an electrician to fix his kitchen light, today I got a call from carers informing me bro was not back home at end of carer's shift. I can;t do anything about it as I live 3 hours away, but still have to know and worry about it. And that's before you include managing absolutely all of Dad's financial affairs. It's like a part time job (but unpaid, unglamorous and not appreciated, since he's got dementia and doesn t even know I am doing it, much less thank me for it).

SorryCant- just an idea: have you given the community nurse DBILS' numbers- could you start "re training" the professionals to contact them instead of you, when it comes to DSM's care- I would think that was only fair. Sorry if this sounds cynical, but professionals want to be able to tick all the required boxes on a case, and if the box with "relatives to be contacted/ NOK " has DBILS' names on it, then that's who they'll contact.

whataboutbob, I can sympathise! DM used to ring me continually, even in the middle of the night, when she found caring for DF too much. I ended up turning the phone off at night (I left my mobile on, I was just worried about her bloody phone calls waking the rest of the house up). The local takeaway has the same ringtone as the home phone which does make me freeze when I wait for my curry!
DM is now in a care home and has said about phoning me if people there make too much noise, but I am trying to steer her towards pressing the call bell and telling the nurses rather than phoning me and me having to phone the nurses.
Sorry OP, gone off on a tangent. Pass more of the stuff about your DSM to your stepbrothers as I guess they aren't offering to help you with your Dad. If you carry on dealing with everything they will just let you keep going. People underestimate how much crap, such as paperwork, sorting out crap in their house etc is generated when we have to take over our parents' affairs, and this is in addition to our own daily activities. You have done far more than most people would do, particularly when it sounds like you have your hands full dealing with your Dad.

Agreed. when clearing out the mess in my dad's room I found some old BT bills which showed on some days he'd called me up to 15 times. It got to the point where the ringtone made my heart race. To add to that, work had the same handset with same ring tone, and it would set my heart racing when it rang there too. Dad is now beyond being able to make calls, but i am still not entirely reconciled with the phone. Do pass on everything you possibly can to BILs.