Coping with the bit where your parents are still alive, but not emotionally part of your life

I think losing a parent to increasing frailty and dementia before they die is very hard and that realisation that they now rely on you rather than the other way around is sad and draining. It certainly took a toll on my emotional and physical health especially when combined with working full time and being there for teenage dc.

I don't think anyone here sounds like a bitch or any other awful thing.

It's taken me 2 years to begin to emerge from my health issues and grief following my mum's death. I feel better now than I have for ages. Be kind to yourselves people.

I don't have any wisdom, CMOT, and appreciated your words when I posted last week.

I am starting to realise this is a new phase of my life. Although she is still here, the role my mother once had in my life has gone, and the pain I feel is part of the bereavement reaction to the loss there is.

Please don't think I am trivialising the death of a parent - my father died many years ago, and I know this is not the same. However, the emotions, and the process I am going through are the grief reaction, but it is grief for a different sort of loss.

So I am giving myself the liberty to feel sad, and alone, and accept that this is something I will work through. Last week I was curled up in tears after calling home, this week I was fine. Next week will be another story.

Dumbledore - you don't sound like a bitch. I put the phone on speaker now when I call home and reply as needed. I felt better knowing it wasn't just me that did this.

Hi CMOT and dumbledore- and others(cant read all names on ipad) I really feel for you and send my sympathy and It is like mourning when they are still here. DMIL had dementia and died last october- I am afraid I felt very relieved as it felt like a huge weight had been lifted- calls from her when she was at home at all hours, homes/hospitals etc- sometimes it just feels "not fair!!!" Dh feels he lost her years ago.
Its also feeling used up and empty- I am still looking after my DM (90 last week but at the mo in pretty good shape) who does show some appreciation-a new development(!) and hopefully dd will be off to Uni in the autumn-so I feel the need to find some more outlets for me-and time for friends who have been neglected-and the need to find new ones.
I think we need to find ways to "parent" ourselves- and grieve for what we do not have whilst doing what we can without it consuming us.
Guilt is unnecessary- here is a great place to say the unsayable. Dumbledore-you are NOT a bitch!!!

'I feel as though I am grieving without there being a death, if that makes sense?'

It sure does You don't sound like a bitch at all, far from it. Its a very real loss. In some ways, I think this kind of grief might even be harder than grieving a death - you can talk to other people about a death, and they sort of get it, and rally round you, and offer support and shoulders to cry on, and all of that. The loneliness with this kind of grief is dreadful

I meant comprehensible not comprehensive.

And yeah, re-reading my post, I sound like a bitch.

CMOT, I understand totally where you are. My mum has dementia, not to the point where she doesn't know who I am, but she gets very confused by every day situations and her physical mobility is declining too. My dad is fine in himself but totally ground down by having to look after my mum. They have always had a tendency to bicker - I am sure they love each other deeply, but we are an argumentative family generally - but with my mum's dementia, every day seems to be a battleground.

If I ring up, I either get my dad off-loading his concerns onto me, or my mum, waffling in a not always comprehensive manner, endlessly repeating stories from one phone call to another.

I sound like a bitch. I don't mean to, but on a purely selfish level, yeah, I have lost the support I used to have from them. They never ask about me or my dh or my children, beyond a very cursory enquiry and then, if I try to say anything that is going on in our lives, I get very little/nothing back.

I understand why - I really am not the bitch I sound here - but the loss to me is still there. In the past, I relied on my parents for advice. Now I don't even tell them when there is a problem because I don't want to add to Dad's burden and Mum would just waffle about something unrelated in her childhood.

I feel as though I am grieving without there being a death, if that makes sense?

My mum died 2 years ago. In the 2 years preceding that I was more there for her than the other way around as she was physically frail and developing dementia . I considered that more than fair exchange for the many years she had put in always being there for me.

It does somehow feel as if my family has become much smaller since she died. I miss her a lot but I don't miss the worrying about her and I now have time and energy to devote to remaining family and good friends.

I don't know about words of wisdom, but I have tons of empathy for your situation. Mine is slightly different in that both parents are healthy, and not elderly (in their 60s), but are narcissistists which means they have no real interest in anyone but themselves. I have given up on having any kind of meaningful relationship with them and have reduced contact with them significantly. They occupy a huge amount of space in my head but I get nothing from them.

It can feel very lonely and I do get jealous of people who appear to have close, loving families. I find it helps to think of all the good things I have in my life and all the reasons I have to be grateful, but also to allow myself to feel sad and angry when it hits me. Like today

Huge hugs for you x