Coping with the bit where your parents are still alive, but not emotionally part of your life

Thank you cmot. (Weeps) It's so hard and complicated. One of my cats gets it and snuggles under the duvet with me and pats my face with his paw. I adore him!

Joining you on this thread. Just listening for now. My heart goes out to you all.

Thank you so much for this thread. My father died at 98 two years ago after two years in a home with increasing dementia two years before that. I dreaded visiting and seeing my formerly dapper , professional, gentlemanly world war 2 Air Force veteran father father reduced to a shuffling anxious nappy wearing infant. It was obscene and I was relieved when he died. The sadness has crept up on me subsequently which underlines how complicated this type of grieving is .

I am the one relative left and am now going through the same thing with my narcissistic mother who has never asked me about my life. I changed my phone recently and should have ensured speakerphone. Speakerphone is you r frien ladies. I reckon a good 20 years of this ahead of me. She is much younger.

I drink far too much to cope with it all and hate myself.

I have a full time responsible professional job and no partner. This thread is like a virtual hug.

I am going through this too.

DM is currently being diagnosed with dementia, but the GP seems to think it's quite far gone already. She has always been in her own world and has never been that close to me, especially since I moved out and away 32 years ago. She has never really engaged that much with my life and found it all a bit too full-on (we are sooo different!), so I am used to that, but obviously it is getting worse and worse. you can have a conversation with her on her terms, ie what's happened at the Home, but never asking us anything re ourselves, grandchildren, great grandchildren etc

I am the only relative (other than her also aging brother and his family who are lovely, but not at all close to her) but I live 200 miles away which makes it even more difficult to sort stuff out. She is quite happy pottering about in her house, but gets very panicky if something in her routine changes or if something breaks down, etc. And very cross at people now asking her questions that she can't remember the answer to!

I also find myself feeling overwhelmed with a sense of responsibility at times and sometimes wake in the night panicking.

Sorry oldguygirl. But please heed the warning and put yourself first. You can only be any use to others if you do that. Take care. And rant away here.

This is something that I also struggle with- my Mum has been in and out of hospital since Xmas and my Dad is only interested in himself. I have had some very bad anxiety issues since last year which have made me feel very ill- and have not been helped by my Mums situation and the way that my Dad has dealt with it. I have said nothing to either of them regarding my problems as just feel that they are not interested and dont need the worry. That doesnt help me or help them understand why I cant deal with everything. I have had to take a step back recently because it has all become too much and I am heading the wrong way again (panic attacks returning) .

I'll be back but yes. It's like being an orphan with them still here. I felt like it was a transitional state. Gone but still here. Tough time

Thanks twenty
I've tried photos, he just nodded off. He's not that interested. But some indoor plants is a good idea! And yes I could read to him. At least it would keep me amused and I'm sure he'd like it even if he wasn't following closely.

Hi eggs. What about looking at photos? Cute videos on a tablet? Dm loves the panda ones. Take a newspaper to read to him? Does he like plants etc? Growing something? Even cress?

This thread really resonates with me. I find visiting my dad really difficult at times. I just don't know how to fill the time up. After I've prattled on for the first 15 minutes and asked him everything pertinent, I just don't know what to talk about.
He has no interest (and maybe not much understanding) in what I am talking about. There's not enough going on in his life to talk much about. I think he likes me being there, but I don't know what I should be doing. He sits in his chair for most of the day, watching tv for a bit. Should we be encouraging more or if he's happy enough leave him?

Does anyone have any ideas? Any simple games that might work? I just feel he has such a small life now, but is that just how it is?

Hi delarenta.
Wow you have a huge amount on. This is a great place to share the unsayable.

This thread has spoken to my heart, it is liberating to read others put things into the words which I cannot bring myself to say out loud. I too feel like I am grieving for the wonderful Mum I once had. She was the epitome of organisation, affection and cleanliness. Now at 68 she doesn't even flush the toilet or know what day it is. The deterioration has been rapid, this time 2 years ago she was absolutely perfect and such a source of practical and emotional help to me as I coped with my severely disabled little girl and my high pressure job as a Headteacher. I feel jealous when I see my friend's parents thriving in retirement. I have a constant guilt that I am not being a good enough Mummy/Daughter/Wife/Head. I feel terrified about the future.

However, I am lucky that my Mum's younger siblings really help out and my big brother, seeing the strain I was under, has taken a much more active role. A saving grace is that my Mum is now quite chilled and content with her little life, as a previous poster has said she too has gone past the anger/lashing out stage.

Sending love and strength to everyone else out there in the same situation xx

How I can empathise. I'm sure I am much older than many of you. My dear old mum has been in a care home for about 15 months and is 99! Previously for about six months we had been through the endless phone calls, hallucinations etc. Then she had a fall which landed her in hospital. She was seen by the care of the elderly consultant, had all the tests etc and her recommendation was that she should go to a care home. She felt she had early stage dementia. I really don't believe this has deteriorated as most days you can have a conversation with her on her terms, ie what's happened at the Home, but never asking us anything re ourselves, grandchildren, great grandchildren etc.

I just miss my "old" mum who was my friend as well as mum. We spent an incredible amount of time together and she was so supportive to the whole family. Up until she was 94 ish she was completely "with it".

I agree with everyone who said its a "living" death. I hate every minute of this strange existence. Wonder what she thinks too in her most lucid moments. I am sure she feels we have abandoned her but at least in the care home she is safe and we can have some sort of life before we are too old to enjoy it.

Need more what a wise and insightful post. The magic of mumsnet is we can share our deepest fears and guilt and thoughts with strangers- and hear the wisdom of those who have trod the path we are on ahead of us. Birth, schools, bereavement- illness.
And learn how to handle things- and know we are not alone.
For me it is calmer now- dm seems stable and more appreciative- after a few home truths, and we have had some joy- a 90th party I arranged which she loved- and fil is stable and well cared for. I know the dark days will come again so I am trying to build up resources for when it comes. And find joy where I can.
To all.

CMOT you have had a dreadful two years. Is the grieving a form of distancing. If you accept that you have lost your mother and your relationship with your father is very changed, the next crisis will be less difficult. There is no going back or curing. Dementia is a terminal illness, and to be absolutely callous, once your mother's brain has gone she is largely gone. Yourrole is now as advocate for your mother and manager of her care. Your poor dad is presumably so tired, emotionally and physically, that he has nothing to give you.

I went through a period about 18 months ago where I did not want to see my mother but felt I was grieving for the person she was. It's now easier. The care side is pretty sorted, so like Bob I don't need to be as involved in the day to day stuff. And I don't really see her as my mother any more, but rather as a spirited toddler who I have responsibility and a level of affection for. So pleasure comes from watching her watch Punch and Judy on the beach. (She liked the bit where the crocodile eats the baby.) Or from the brightly coloured ornament that I knew would appeal to her magpie taste.

Physically she is well so I assume I have up to another decade of this. If she were to die tomorrow there would be a void, but this would be more than balanced by relief that she (and I) had avoided the end stage dementia. I am now not bothered by the repetition, instead using it to assess her level of well - being, or by the verbal aggression which I found so difficult in the early stages. She has lost her power to hurt me emotionally.

Like twentyten I am starting to focus on me. Do has just over a year of school to go, and ds is already at University. After all those busy caring years I too am reaching out to old friends and making new ones. It feels good.

Distance, honestly, is good. I will make sure she is looked after. I visit reasonably regularly, though by buying some buy - to - let near her and by renting rather than selling her property, I have ensured that visiting my mother is often not the focus of a 250 mile round trip, and so have a chance to see her socially without having to drag her out for some sort of appointment. And I no longer worry. She has told her priest she would like to die. Both he and I understand.

Well I am not sure this will help. I remember those telephone conversations, and also finding an old itemised BT bill of Dad's showing him ringing me up to 20 times a day including up to midnight, but thankfully mostly while I was at work. And the rambling answerphone messages (towards the end I'd often just press delete). Now he is in no way capable of ringing up, and can just about say a few words into a handset if his carers talk him through the whole thing. He knows me as a person, but not I think as his daughter.
But, I have battled to get him a good care package and am lucky with the current carers. I am no longer called by the police at work because he's been found somewhere or has attacked a member of the public.Things have got easier as the dementia has progressed, and it feels odd acknowledging that. I don't see him as my Dad anymore, maybe that's been my way of protecting myself, he's someone who I have a repsonsibility towards.
Sorry about this ramble but I wanted to say that in a weird way things do sometimes get better.

To everyone. It is so tough- relentless.

Dad with dementia here. Hospitalised while we wait for assessments and try and find a care home. It is very very hard.having the same conversation over and over and over and over........."hi dad, it's me. Demented. Demented. Your daughter Demented. No, I'm not (insert random name). I'm Demented. Your daughter. No, (insert name) is your sister. I'm your daughter. Demented...." Ad infinitum.......

Sympathy and hugs from me too, CMOT - it is totally a terrible loss and a grief to bear even (or maybe particularly?) in the absence of a death.

My gran died before Christmas, very severely demented, at the age of 101. The last 10 years of her life had been awful: for her and for my mother. I grieved from my gran who I used to be very close to growing up about 5 years ago and I have been dry eyed since she died because the woman she used to be had long and very gradually departed.

My parents are now in their 70s and 80s and I find our roles have reversed. My dad's memory is getting worse and worse and it can only go one way, can't it?
My mum is younger and sprightlier, but a worrier, so I don't want to 'burden' her with my/our problems (much as they are only v mundane, day-to-day issues) so we are a bit reduced in what we talk about.
I suppose this situation is not at all uncommon and it is important, I think, to acknowledge the loss and the pain that goes with it.

Oh cmot. You have so much on.

Darkness is ok to post

Thanks everyone for saying I am not a bitch. The thoughts and feelings I have re my mother are not always ones I would be happy saying out loud. I wrote a whole post just now, but I have deleted it as it all became a bit dark.

to everyone else going through this sad time of life.