MIL should be in a care home, but refusing to go. A rant

Rainicorn - do hope your MIL has accepted this place. I think, as many have said, how much care you can give does depend also on how co-operative the person is. And if she is selfish and everything has to be about her, she will wear you out and for what? Eventually she will have to be cared for full time anyway. You have to be tough and think of your own and your family's welfare. Some people, especially the selfish and self-centred, are experts in inducing guilt in other people. Whatever you do is never enough and yet they are not willing to discuss things or see anyone else's point of view. I think many of that generation are terrified of being "put away" and losing their independence completely even though they have lost a lot of it through illness. It is such a difficult situation, but it is not wrong to preserve your own sanity. If you become ill, you won't be any use to them. All the very best.

What news on her accepting the place?? Really hope she has agreed.

I just had to add to this thread as I hope it might make you smile.

My wonderful, loving, stubborn, fussy and eccentric dad (with dementia) really needs live in care. The other day, after a LONG time trying to convince him, he agreed. Said he realised he could barely walk and was going to fall at any moment and is so forgetful he will probably either burn the house down or be burgled (totally deaf too). So, last week a lovely woman from local agency came and, surprise surprise, he had totally changed his mind. Poor woman was met with a cross 45 minute monologue about how he is totally fine thanks very much and can manage perfectly well and he had no earthly idea what she was doing there. He was actually holding a piece of toast and marmalade in his hand as he delivered this monologue. Everyone in the room had totally switched off after about 5 minutes and was transfixed by whether the marmalade was going to slide off the toast at any time during the 45 mins (it didn't).

Last weekend he rang me, and his carer, and various friends around the country to say he had no water in the house and that there was no one to help him and it was all a disaster. OMG we thought. Water off at the mains? My poor sick father with not a drop to drink?? No. He had run out of TONIC water. Last night, he rang me at bath time (two small children) to tell me that things were fine generally and that the only main, serious and big problem 'outstanding' was that two lightbulbs needed replacing so therefore the place was going to rack and ruin.

I sighed, agreed it was all dreadful and poured myself a glass of wine.

Op you poor thing. This new place sounds ideal- stay strong ang look after yourself.

Very good news.

DM is in very sheltered. Own flat, 24 hour warden and it is fantastic. She would not have agreed to go had she not had a fall, and we played a game of saying "just till you get better". Now she would not move. Not least because with a bit of perspective she realises how lonely and scared she was on her own.

Be aware though it may take ages for her to settle. I was warned to allow at least 2 months. What we did is employ a carer to take her to the shops each day to help with her orientation. She might not need this, but you might think of ways to boost her support during the initial period, ways which do not involve her leaning on you. I would liaise closely with the manager, with the aim of finding ways to detatch yourself.

The other issue is that at some stage DMs accomodation will say that her needs are too great for her to be safe in that level of care. Te next stage for my mum will be a dementia care home, something I want to avoid, really till the stage where she does not know where she is anyway. My mum agrees and understands the need to "be on her best behaviour", at least to those outside the family. There have been a couple of incidents, quite possibly when she has a minor infection, but otherwise she is doing well. In you MiLs case I would be tempted to make it clear. If she is too demanding the only alternative is a home.

Well done OP, you must be weak with relief.

Ops missed update. Hope it all goes well

Care homes aren't always as bad as people think. She'd have company and they do activities. Could you take her for a visit and let her talk to some of the residents? Or in fact refuse to visit her until she will visit the home?

So pleased to read your latest update. I am going through something similar with mu own Mother at the moment, and get so frustrated about how unrealistic she is about her needs.
I hope your DMIL accepts the place

Wonderful news about the place. I hope she accepts it.

My MIL is slightly similar in that she sends the carers away and refuses to engage with any social work assessment. It puts incredible pressure on everyone else but she has always been selfish and demanding. We're having a real dilemma about what to do next.

Great news about the place. I would be telling her that if she doesn't accept it than you will no longer be helping her as SIL is your priority and she has no right to turn to more appropriate help and then burden you instead.

It doesn't matter if she weeps and wails about how awful you are this is about self preservation!!!!

That new place sounds brilliant! I'm so glad something like that exists.

Of course elderly people should not be forced into care homes if they are relatively independent, but are unable to go shopping for example. But when you began to describe your MIL it became clear that this was not a case of just being frail and weak and not as strong as she used to be. This was wrap around care!

I'm glad it has worked out for you and yes, you sound like an absolute saint!

Great news and I hope for your sake she accepts the new place.

I was going to mention that it sounds like she is "attention seeking " a little bit and I wondered whether she is simply bored and lonely. There are places (mainly a bit religiousy) who can make house calls just to have a chat and a game of cards. Vincent St Pauls spring to mind. My Grandmother also loves to invite Jehovah Witnesses in for a chat and a cup of tea :-)

That's great news, OP.

I suggest you and your dh very strongly encourage her to accept it, and tell her you will NOT be available after 5pm and before 9am (say). You have to be cruel to be kind, sometimes.

Sorry, missed your 2nd post. Fabulous news. Really big it up - does she want some new bedding for her bed in the new accommodation? Something to brighten it up, new pictures etc? Focus on this being a fresh start for her.

And it is such a relief - when my MIL saw a nice care home on Saturday and said she'd be happy to go there for an assessment visit, DH's relief was palpable. She said yesterday that she's looking forward to going now.

I've had a very similar run of things to you except DH and his sister ate 90 minutes away from their mother, which I think makes it easier for us as they can't just pop over. They do get the midnight calls from the alarm responders though when she falls and pulls the cord.

DH considered going over to stay with her one night a week. I'm afraid that I pointed out that he has a 5 year old who he'd never see on Saturdays because Daddy would be 70 miles away and it would be giving her false reassurance about how MIL can stay in her sheltered accommodation. She is not safe there, she is essentially being propped up by the care workers and is at the maximum number of visits she can have.

I'm going to sound brutal but tell your DH that you are colluding with her by dropping everything for her whenever she clicks her fingers. Tell her you will be over at 8am every morning and 5.30pm every evening, for 15 minutes to have a cuppa with her, but that is enough. If her carers can't offer the level of support she needs outside of that, she needs to be in a care home, for a short term assessment of her needs. It doesn't need to be in the one over the road, she can look with you at others within her / your budget but she is making you collude with her into keeping her in unsuitable accommodation. My SIL did sit her mother down and say that if she kept falling, she and DH (her brother) couldn't keep coming over in the middle of the night or 3 or 4 times a week because they also have lives. I ordered brochures or a few care homes and cried at the costs they charge which SIL discussed with her mum. She has no quality of life at home as she's housebound but will be moving to a care home, just for 4 weeks at present, which does 4 meals a day, seated exercise, singalongs with a piano, movie nights with pop corn and wine. They just don't compare.

and big hugs to you because it's grim being able to see what your MIL won't

I really hope this works out for you all

How bloody awful for you. She's really not an easy person, is she.

The more I deal with old people, the more I think that the equation 'What carer loses in life quality V what old person gains' is the way to make decisions about what support you do, or don't, give. You having your evening disrupted V MIL having her foot moved is a no-brainer.

Go straight for the big guns, ask for a social work assessment of you both and a follow up meeting.

Avoid the cringeing embrassment and being made to feel bad by asking her social worker to tell MIL that you and DH can't be her 24hr hot and cold running servants. Then explore the options, as they say.

By the way, a lot of people do much too much themselves for the old and sick - people give and give and give to the old person who needs professional care, only stopping when their health/marriage gives out. In the meantime, the oldster is able to notch up another 15 years on the clock. You really mustn't damage yourself and your family.

These situations are very tricky because as you say she has capacity to make a decision about where she lives and everyone is allowed to make bad or selfish decisions if they have capacity, we all do!
If she has a care package of four calls a day then those careers are not on call the rest of the time. The care line is for emergencies not to call the carers, so needs a list of people to call if she presses it. This is normally a relative or neighbour, or in a true emergency an ambulance etc.
Community care teams ie nurses, Physio, OT are not there to deal with her personal care needs so it usually falls to care packages and family/friends. This can work ok if the person is reasonable in asking/receiving care.
Your situation sounds awful. Is there anyway you can sit down with her and the professionals involved and have a very frank conversation?
If she lacked capacity then a best interests decision could be made but as she doesn't things may have to carry on or you step back , let a crisis happen, which it probably will then her hand will be forced. Far from ideal but often what happens.

You are a saint. It can drag you under. I ended up phoning the community psychiatric nurse and telling them if they didn't help me I would soon be part of their case-load. They came over that day and talked to my mum and persuaded her to go into a care home as a temporary measure. She hadn't wanted to leave her home, but was much happier with company and good care and stayed there.

If you have children who need you too, you are pulled between the two trying to do your best for everyone.

If she needs hoisting out of bed, can she manage with going to the toilet on her own during the day? And if she does, is she putting herself at risk of falling? It's really hard to know when the time has come for you to step in and "take over" from your parents with important decisions about their well-being.

hugs x

Similar situation with elderly relatives in my family who tbh are now being neglected imho but they just won't accept the help we've been offered as in their eyes family should do it.

Ignoring the fact we have our own health issues, marital problems, DC, jobs, homes etc to take care of, and only 24 hours in a day and 2 days a week not working

I know I sound like a bitch now. But 5 years in and super stressed by it.

Seeing title of the thread my first thought was Wtf. But wow you are really going through it at the minute.
My friend has a parent who is mentally and physically ill, ended up in a hospital and she told the social workers etc she was offering no support so they had no choice but to get real help. It's a shit situation and I wish you the best of luck

I was in a not dissimilar situation some years ago. The only way that she is able to remain 'independent' at the moment is at the cost of your independence.

Your and your dh's lives, needs and wishes are as important as hers and, as it sounds like she has no boundaries around what she'll ask for and when, it's up to you to set them. It's also up to you both to manage your own guilt and resentment. It's not your fault that she ended up in hospital - it was a result of her health problems.

I agree with pps that it's reasonable of you to say that you need sleep/privacy and won't be able to answer calls between evening and morning. Also, what you are/aren't prepared to do during the day.

She sounds completely wrapped up in herself - which is often what old age and ill health does to people - but you and your dh need to factor your lives into the situation too.

If she has capacity to decide that she doesn't want to move, then fine, but she then needs to find ways to manage at home that don't infringe on the rights of others.

I didn't do enough of this at the time, and I made myself very miserable.