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Elderly parents
Original poster

Feel guilty but am bit fed up.

27 replies

kansasmum · 27/02/2015 22:38

My mum is 87 and we lost my Dad 18 months ago which obviously was devastating for us all.
Mum lives alone and copes well, she has rheumatoid arthritis and recently sadly had a bleed in the retinal vein in her eye which means her sight is no longer good enough for driving.
My sister lives 7 miles from my mum I live 2 miles.
I do the lions share of care, take get to ALL her Hosp appts, drs appt, take her to the hairdresser weekly, sort her meds, supervise her weekly injections, help her go shopping, sort out things like bank statements, ordering heating oil, insurance for house etcetc - You get the picture.
Also try and take her out for lunch or coffee sometimes.
My sister has her over most Sundays for about 3 hours for lunch.
And that's it.
I understand mum is frustrated that she can't drive but she has a very good friend who does help by driving mum to the village and does take her shopping if I can't.

Mum CONSTANTLY tells me how marvellous my sister is and how wonderful she is but moans that I am always rushing off somewhere and am 'so' busy ( insert sarcasm!)I have 3 kids one is 8 the others are adults and working. Eldest dd us expecting first baby in June. I work 5 mornings a a week.

Mum won't help herself at all for example refuses to even consider using taxi.
I'm just fed up of nothing I do ever being good enough. If she has a problem she ALWAYS calls me never my sister.
I do so much of the stuff like appts, meds etc that I don't feel like spending social time with her but then feel guilty. Especially when she moans at me.
Have spoken to my sister about thus but she just says she's too busy to help and just tells me she can't do any appts.
God I miss my Dad:(

Sorry for long moan.
Am I being unfair to my mum? Should I make more effort?

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 27/02/2015 22:46

I think you are a saint. I think you sister is certainly very cool- what would she do if you offered to take over the 3 hour lunch and she did your share?

my sister did nearly everything for my mother because I live in a different country. In return, I told my mother constantly how great my sister was, and agreed when she told me how wonderful she was, I tried to do as much as I could when visiting, I expressed thanks constantly, and I recognised that my sister got the final vote on anything and sucked it up if I disagreed slightly.

I'm not sure is it worth asking your sister again to discuss the divying up of responsibilities? I also think you should tell your mum straight out "I feel very bad when you complain about me and praise sister when I am doing my very best to help you and support you as much as possible". Worth a try anyway. I suspect your mum has slotted you in to the role your dad took and hardly notices- so is still waiting for you to do the daughter stuff of a weekly lunch, ignoring the fact that you are doing everything else for her.

You are being a really good daughter to her. Not unfair at all.

Bonsoir · 27/02/2015 22:43

You have my sympathies! I am in a similar position to you with my parents and sister though not on a day-to-day basis as both my sister and I live out of the country. But I get all the difficult stuff (emergencies/hospitals etc) while my sister brings her DC over for holidays and doesn't want any responsibility.