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Original poster

How often do you visit / speak to elderly widowed mother - advice plse

32 replies

Mum2girls15 · 20/02/2015 15:24

Hi there,

I am really hoping that you are able to share your experiences, advice with me plse . I am totally at the end of my tether . My mother 82 was widowed 18 months ago and has completely taken control of my life which I appreciate sounds dramatic. Its not what she says it the way she says things to me and implies. She implies that everything I do for her still isn't enough. I have a family of two teenage children one studying for GCSEs and one in college studying for A Levels, myself and my husband run our own business which calls for long and unsociable hours and takes my husband away from home often. EG last year he was away for 8 months. I visit my mother at least three times a week, one of these must be over a weekend as the nastiness if I don't is too much to bear, this means that if the children cant cope with coming with me or my husband ( they are all hugely supportive, but can only deal with her for a short amount of time as she is exhausting ) I leave them at home and go on my own meaning I dont spend time with my family. I call every day for at least an hour , sometimes more than once a day. She is very techno savvy and I messages me from morning until she goes to bed at night. If I dont make contact or answer because I am busy or working she gets nasty. I take her our for lunch at least once a week, she has been taken to the theatre, for dinner, concerts, the cinema, days out, afternoon tea, the list is endless. she is regularly taken flowers, presents I could go on and on. I do everything in my power to make her life as happy as I possibly can given the situation she is now in.

Despite all of this she implies it is not enough, she screams at me how awful her life is . I clean her house, do her garden, get her shopping help with the DIY, she has attendance allowance but wont use it to get help despite my telling her how shattered I am . I feel so ill and tired. I take her to all doctors and hospital visits. My family life is suffering, my house ( washing, cleaning , ironing , garden are falling by the wayside, hers though is spotless , my business is suffering, I have been forgetting to pay bills including HMRC, financially it is impacting us hugely in an effort to keep her entertained and the fuel back and forth , its about an hours round trip. My sibling helps also ringing each day once or twice and visiting approx twice a week, she has grown up children who have moved out of home and she doesnt work. The elder grandchildren do not call or visit as she is unpleasant and they cant deal with it.

It seems nothing we do is enough and its taking its toll on me to the point that I can barely get out of bed each day its an effort to get dressed and I cant sleep . I wake each night mulling over the thing she has thrown at me that day , the nasty things she says and trying to figure out when I can next get over there to try and apease the situation and keep her happy, despite making myself miserable and for how long I will stay and who and what it will impact by my going to see her again . She has always been controlling and difficult but this is now on another level. I am spending more quality tiem with her than my own family. If we try and arrange an afternoon out as a family she is nasty and unreasonable and berates us for doing nice things. She is in her 80s I am in my mid 40s yet she seems to think that my life has to also now be over and she is jealous of anytiem I spend with my family. I seriously cant cope much more.

She constantly tells me she sees noone , I go approx three times a week for a minimum of three hours each time, my sibling twice a week and the neighbours invite her in once a week. My children try and come once every 10 days or so and my husband will come with me if he isn't working to try and offer some support and take the pressure off. Despite all this the guilt trip is horrendous.

Whilst I obviously have every sympathy for her predicament and appreciate how hard it must be living alone, I physically cant do anymore to help her but I feel like I have been beaten up each time I come away and am shell shocked.I cannot continue to spend this much time with her any longer but I dont know how to step away due to the pressure and nastiness brought to bear.

Having just got off of the phone to her after the daily call I am shaking like a leaf and in tears. . She tells me she has seen noone, I was with her for four hours yesterday, was then messaging her until 10pm.She was back messaging me at 8am today until I called her at 1.30 and now will still not leave me alone. She wants to know everything about my life where I go who I see and I have to constantly be busy, if I dare say that I am flicking through a magazine watching tv etc she implies that I should be with her if I have time for these things. She will not take the anti depressants the doctor prescribed, wont accept help of a befriending service that I suggested and I have also offered to take her to Clubs for her age group in the area to try and make friends. I dont know what to do or how to help anymore. I do not see my friends anymore as there is no time and if I try as so much arrange a coffee she is nasty as I am apparently doing something nice which she isnt doing, we tried to go on holiday for one week last year and the day before she was so awful to me that I Spent most of it in tears, as she felt that she should be coming with us and made me feel terrible for spending time with my children and husband.

I am so sorry for the long message , I think I could go on forever, but I just dont know what to do. Am I being unreasonable, should I be seeing her more ( oh I do bring her to my house also and have her stay overnight but she makes things difficult for everyone and upsets the children ,that I dont do it each week ) How often do mumsnetters visit their widowed parents please, am I being unreasonable in my efforts ?

Thankyou so much for reading xxx

OP posts:
ministollen · 20/02/2015 16:37

Poor you OP it sounds as though you had a lifetime of trying to please a mother who will never be happy. You can't go on like this and need to set boundaries immediately and work on putting your own needs first. It's hard to learn new behaviours relating to your mother. You'll get some good advice on the Stately Homes thread.

Seriouslyffs · 20/02/2015 16:24

Realistically, saying no or setting very strict boundaries ain't gonna happen. As stardusty suggests could she be moved nearer you? Would that make her further from your sister. What does your DH think of her? Could you use him as an excuse? 'I'm neglecting Fred, the house, the business and your grandchildren so I'm visiting twice a week from now on and every other weekend.'

magimedi · 20/02/2015 16:24

I would chat to your sibling. Does h/she have the same problems with your mother?

I would make an appointment to see her GP - although the GP can not disclose anything about your mother to you, you can tell the GP of your worries about dementure.

And in the end you are going to have to be tough & stop letting her control the whole of your life.

Can you get your DH to come with you when you talk to her about this?

I am amazed by how controlling your mother is to you. It is not normal at all.

I have a DC who is mid 30's & I would not behave like this ever.

You might think about posting some of this over on the Relationships board as well as here. There are a lot of people who have had similar issues to you & you might get more help there. Be warned, you do get the odd nasty poster over there, but 90% of replies you get will be helpful.

Seriouslyffs · 20/02/2015 16:19

(((((Mums2)))))
You have the patience of a saint.
Flowers

stardusty5 · 20/02/2015 16:13

Didn't want to read and run, though i don't have any experience of this myself.

I do not think that you are being unreasonable at all and your mum is being very selfish to not allow you to have any timeto do anything that is not related to her. I would agree that unless she has always been this demanding, it would be worth having someone see her regarding her mental state.

My grandad lived alone for many years and my mum looked after him. This involved visiting most days to take him a paper and a few grocieries and maybe pick up some washing. She would also do a bit of cleaning at the weekend and he regularly came for sunday dinner. However, my grandad had moved around the corner from us to make this easier on her and she was able to work this around her shifts. The visits would generally be under an hour, and through the week usually about 20 mins- just for a cuppa and chat. Her elder sibling would also visit weeklyand keep an eye on the garden, whenmy grandad wasnt able to do it himself. There certainly was not the constant demand for attention and guilt.

Original poster
Mum2girls15 · 20/02/2015 16:12

Thankyou for your reply. She has always been very controlling, more than my friends parents ever seemed to be but I suppose this was normal for me. When I got married and moved three hours away, I was expected to visit still once a week, I had to leave work make the three hour journey spend the evening, sleep overnight and then get up at some unearthly hour to head back home and to work. I have always been expected to call at least once a day and since I had the children weekend visits were expected but things re far far worse now than they were before my father passed away.

I have suspected some sort of dementia but then something happens or she says something and I change my mind again. She would never ever go to the GP if it was suggested that it may be the onset of dementia. I do think she may be depressed but again she wont accept help in any shape or form. When I try and speak to her reasonably about how I feel , she twists things so much that I end up feeling that I am in the wrong and she tells me that the way I feel is all in my mind. Shes really messing with my head. Shes a very clever lady !

I know that you are correct and things need to change but I have no idea how. I tell her that she is far luckier than many elderly people who see / speak to noone but she says shes not interested and doesnt care about anyone else. Its about her and how she feels.Wasnt sure how to respond to that one !

I have also suggested bereavement counselling but that has all been refused as well. Really not quite sure where to go next .

Thankyou for taking the time to read its much appreciated.

OP posts:
magimedi · 20/02/2015 15:44

Has she always been as controlling as this or this started lately? I do wonder if there is some sort of dementure starting.

Either way you are going to have to set some boundaries.

Tell her that you can only visit X times per week, can not answer her texts/calls continually & that she is going to have to adjust to this. You owe it to your DH & DCs. You can not go on with your mother ruling your life like this. Maybe talk to your sibling as well & possibly even mother's GP if you suspect some sort of dementure.

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