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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dad has been banned from his church

28 replies

whataboutbob · 07/12/2014 08:54

Just found out from his carers they have been asked not to bring him anymore. I knew he could be restless , get up during service and pick random stuff up. The carers were only taking him for short periods. He has been a church goer for as long as I can remember. I am considering double checking all facts and sending the church a letter of complaint. I would have thought they d show a little more compassion. Anyone else experienced anything similar?

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mamadoc · 17/12/2014 00:50

Do talk to the vicar about how your dad can keep in touch if he can no longer manage services. I expect they do have ways of doing this eg home communion.

When I was a student my church had a scheme to match up students with elderly housebound folk who could not get to church any more. I used to visit a lovely lady every few weeks for a cup of tea and a chat and I would read the bible to her as she was blind. I still treasure a little dish she gave me when I got married (she gave me something of hers as she couldn't get out to the shops) and I went to her funeral when she finally passed away. Maybe your dad's church have something similar?

howtodrainyourflagon · 14/12/2014 16:44

I recommend talking to the vicar. This will give you the real ground truth on how welcome your df is. It could be that despite the carers' discomfort your father is very iwelcome and valued. If the services are difficult I'm sure the vicar will visit to provide communion.

EBearhug · 14/12/2014 16:36

If he does remember what church is, it may be worth seeing if the vicar will do home visits once in a while, possibly with communion.

ExitPursuedByABear · 14/12/2014 16:28
Sad
Original poster
whataboutbob · 14/12/2014 16:28

I'm going to see how Dad is when I spend time with him at Christmas. Then I will contact the church and take it from there. It's just one more sadness about dementia. Dad seems to have forgotten church and, I would imagine, God. But as he has been a long time church goer, i would like him to at least take communion once in a while.

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ExitPursuedByABear · 14/12/2014 11:39

Thanks for the update.

Is he going to try again?

Original poster
whataboutbob · 14/12/2014 09:37

Hello everyone I'm back with an update. I asked the care agency manager to look into what had really happened with the church. She had to wait for a carer to come back from sick leave to get all the facts. It seems it was the carers who decided not to take dad anymore, because he had been to agitated on the last occasions, and was upset when people came up to him talking to him and he could not remember who they were. Apparently on the last occasion he refused to get out of the car. I am not sure why I was told by one of the carers that the church had said they didn t want him to attend (the one who said that is not his Sunday carer and on the whole does a v good job with Dad).
Sorry about posting so vehemently about the church. i am glad I checked facts before contacting them and giving them a piece of my mind.

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Original poster
whataboutbob · 07/12/2014 12:15

To be honest I already have one in mind if things can t be resolved with the current one. There's a C of E church nearer his home with a lovely atmosphere and I would just like him to attend once in a while for communion.

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Naughtyornicename · 07/12/2014 12:10

I would be tempted to find somewhere more sympathetic! They sounded quick to ban him. Check out the 'a church near you' site and visit some local ones - i am sure you will find somewhere that feels right.

Original poster
whataboutbob · 07/12/2014 12:03

He's C of E and since returning from North Africa about 20 years ago has been attending a fairly evangelical church, not least because of the active social life it offers- he was always a very sociable guy. I have just spoken to the agency's duty manager and asked her to look into this and speak to the carers concerned. She thought it might be because over the summer he was very agitated and occasionally aggressive, now is somewhat better I think in part because his blood sugar levels are better. She thought they might be able to take him again. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

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ExitPursuedByABear · 07/12/2014 11:54

That is so sad. What denomination is he?

Naughtyornicename · 07/12/2014 11:49

Find another church. There may be a quiet, smaller mid week service that he can attend - although its probably best if someone can take him. Maybe attend every other week and ask for a hone visit from the vicar or someone on the prayer chain?

Applefallingfromthetree2 · 07/12/2014 11:41

I feel very sad on your Dad's behalf. The church should be making a more practical response rather than just banning him.

As others have said please contact them and ask them what alternatives they can provide. It is up to them to find an answer even if it means visiting him more regularly or providing separate services for him and others who are finding it difficult to cope.

My local arts centre provides film sessions for those with autism and other disabilities, along with silver screen sessions and sessions for mums and babies. It is time for churches to get more in touch with community needs

mineallmine · 07/12/2014 11:37

when I was growing up (70s and 80s) there was a man who came to Mass every Sunday who was definitely suffering with something, maybe Alzheimers I'm not sure. He would wander around, stand up and shout out when the priest would be talking, drown out the hymns with his own singing. He was at 10 o'clock Mass every single Sunday and I never ever heard a single person complain or say he shouldn't be there. His name was Eddie and everyone had a tolerant affection for him. He was doing no harm and he wanted to be there. He also came to all the funerals and I remember him with fondness at my uncle's funeral in 1995- he died himself shortly after and had a huge funeral because he was held in such regard in the community.

My point is that church is community, ALL the community. I hate reading threads like this where there are churches where congregations frown on anyone who brings noisy children or this, where your poor dad is being excluded. I hope when you talk to them that it tuns out to be a misunderstanding. The only circumstance where I could understand someone being asked not to come would be if they were violent or threatening.

SunnaClausIsComingToTown · 07/12/2014 11:30

When my dad was in a care home the vicar came to him to give him communion after it became too much for him to get there.

If he is disrupting the service I can understand how that may upset some people, for some communion is an important sacrament.

Original poster
whataboutbob · 07/12/2014 11:22

I am going to speak to the manager of the agency. I realisei need to be really sure first. The church was quite supportive while hewas in early stages then I started to get distress calls from one parishioner and a letter from the vicar saying they weren t sure how long they'd be able to offer the support. I also got an email from the church's administrator about two months ago asking how he was, and I sent a friendly email and update back, then heard nothing. I will ask the care manager quite directly whether the Sunday carers just prefer to put him in their car and take him for drives ( as. Is their wont - it's easier I suppose). If I am told unequivocally he was asked not to come back, then I will complain. And take him to another church to get communion. Thanks all for your advice.

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HappydaysArehere · 07/12/2014 09:31

Are you sure it is the Church and not the carers who are finding it difficult. You are only hearing it from them. They might have found it difficult. I am so sympathetic as my mother had dementia and know only too well the heartbreak.

livelablove · 07/12/2014 09:07

I hope that it is a misunderstanding. Certainly he should be allowed to attend with his carer if he wants to.

JustSpeakSense · 07/12/2014 09:02

I think you need to have a proper chat with the church to find out all the facts before you get upset, as you really don't know the reasons of what has been said.

Only1scoop · 07/12/2014 09:00

For sure

CMOTDibbler · 07/12/2014 09:00

Its certainly worth checking the facts first, and asking the church if they have any suggestions that will let your dad still go to church without impacting on others too much - would a different service be better (maybe the family one as more moving around is expected) or is there a family room at any nearby churches where he could watch and listen away from the main church (I've heard these called cry rooms).

sooperdooper · 07/12/2014 09:00

Oh how sad, speak direct to the church, maybe the carers aren't comfortable with the extra work it means for them but I can't imagine a church banning an elderly regular visitor

Only1scoop · 07/12/2014 08:59

Double check the circumstances for

TheHappinessTrap · 07/12/2014 08:57

That's shameful, I'm sorry for your father.

FlossyMoo · 07/12/2014 08:57

Sorry to hear this OP. I have no similar experience but I think speaking to the church would be the first thing I would do. I hope it is just a misunderstanding and that you father is able to continue visiting the church.

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