Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Options for having disabled MIL visit on Xmas day

30 replies

Honeycrumb · 10/11/2014 13:31

My MIL moved into a care home after a stroke earlier this year. In the home, she has two carers assist her to get dressed and go to the toilet using a hoist. They use a hoist to transfer her between her wheelchair, seating and bed.

We live 50 miles away from her care home and she wants to spend Christmas day with us. I can understand this completely; it seems so grim the thought of spending xmas in the care home. We are due to spend Boxing day at a restaurant near her care home with other family members -- but she still wants to see us on Christmas day.

I wondered whether other people have been in a similar situation and how they managed it?

I have looked into hiring a wheelchair accessible car to get her to us. But then there's still the issue of needing to go to the toilet. So, I figured that I might be able to borrow a commode and hoist from the home but would my husband & I manage to help her alone? Just not sure if that's sensible. So I looked at hiring a carer for the day to assist us. So far, costs for car hire and carer (minimum of 8 hours) would result in spending £300-£400! She could cover this cost but is (understandably) worried about spending this on one day and suggested that my husband and I could get her in and out of her wheelchair and into our regular car. I've said that I'd be worried about seating her in the car with out the wheelchair as she can't support one side of her body one side is pretty much paralysed and even in the wheelchair, it's hard to keep her upright. Aside from which I'm not sure if I would be endangering her life by doing this and whether there are laws that cover this!

My husband and I are pretty 'can do' people and relatively physically strong — I just don't want to be reckless! Would love to know if anyone has any experience of managing a similar situation and what's reasonable for us to do? I know we live in a health & safety culture and sometimes common sense goes out the window — but equally, I don't know whether what my MIL is suggesting is reasonable or not.

Sadly, my MIL can sometimes mistake our genuine concerns for us being unwilling. As a side issue but immensely irritating her own daughters have a "don't be so stupid" attitude to her requests to engage in family occasions (they said this to her when she wanted to attend a wedding in the summer). There is no expectation on them to have her at Xmas or overnight ever! Since my FIL died, she's always stayed with us at various times and at Xmas.

OP posts:
ipswichwitch · 10/11/2014 13:53

It's very difficult. You have to consider not only her safety but yours - it's no mean feat transferring someone yourself without hoists etc, and there's a very good reason why it's not allowed in healthcare environments anymore.

You have her safety to consider too. If you try to manoeuvre her in and out of the car without correct equipment/ technique you could risk her having a fall. Similarly with the toilet. Does your bathroom have room for a hoist? Would the care home even be willing to let you borrow one - they will only have so many available and their residents will take priority.

Getting her in and out of the car will be extremely difficult without proper hoists especially since she can't support one side of her body. My gran had serious difficulty with it and she could stand and support her own weight for a short time. You have to remember that you can only support her on one side to get her out, unless you plan to sit in the drivers seat and push her out, which if obviously not a good idea whatsoever.

I don't want to say no, but it really will take a lot of serious thought, and I would strongly recommend she pay for the car and carer if she really wants to do this, because I don't think you will be able to manage safely without.

Inthedarkaboutfashion · 10/11/2014 13:45

My grandmother uses a wheelchair and is paralysed down one side due to a stroke. Her daughters manage to take her out in their normal cars on a regular basis. She usually needs somebody sitting in the back with her to make sure her body is supported adequately. You could also look into borrowing a special vehicle harness which will help ensure her posture is okay whilst in the vehicle.
WRT the commode issue: a charity shop nearby where I live sells commodes and other disability equipment at very cheap prices, could you check your local charity shops as it might be worth having a set and keeping them in the garage for future visits.
Unless your MIL is very heavy you should be able to manage her with your husband to help. Hoists are useful when people are lifting on a daily basis. It might be easier if you get a handling belt, the care home will probably have these and might lend you one but they only cost around £30 anyway.

MicronesiaIsMyHome · 10/11/2014 13:45

Can you book a wheelchair accessible taxi to bring your mil to you and take her home later? Does she have a catheter or use incontinence pads of some kind? Could she use them for that day?
Just some ideas but it is a difficult situation for you all.

TheSpottedZebra · 10/11/2014 13:38

Could you do a quick course in safe lifting? No idea if such things exist, but you never know...!

Thinking laterally, what about all having Xmas lunch somewhere wheelchair accessible, eg Premier Inn type places that have good facilities?

Or hiring hotel room only, as opposed to the function rooms, and creating a sort of alternative Xmas dinner - cold turkey and stuffing sandwiches, lots of cake and chocolate, as opposed to the full roast, and having that on Boxing Day?

It's just hard, isn't it? My dad's health is in rapid decline but luckily his needs arent as great as your mil and he and my mum live in a big adapted house that we can all visit.

ExitPursuedByABear · 10/11/2014 13:36

I really think this would be a step too far. My dad is housebound and despite our numerous offers to get him to our house he always refuses.

It seems very expensive for one day. But I am sure someone with more knowledge will be along.