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Elderly parents
Original poster

Options for having disabled MIL visit on Xmas day

30 replies

Honeycrumb · 10/11/2014 13:31

My MIL moved into a care home after a stroke earlier this year. In the home, she has two carers assist her to get dressed and go to the toilet using a hoist. They use a hoist to transfer her between her wheelchair, seating and bed.

We live 50 miles away from her care home and she wants to spend Christmas day with us. I can understand this completely; it seems so grim the thought of spending xmas in the care home. We are due to spend Boxing day at a restaurant near her care home with other family members -- but she still wants to see us on Christmas day.

I wondered whether other people have been in a similar situation and how they managed it?

I have looked into hiring a wheelchair accessible car to get her to us. But then there's still the issue of needing to go to the toilet. So, I figured that I might be able to borrow a commode and hoist from the home but would my husband & I manage to help her alone? Just not sure if that's sensible. So I looked at hiring a carer for the day to assist us. So far, costs for car hire and carer (minimum of 8 hours) would result in spending £300-£400! She could cover this cost but is (understandably) worried about spending this on one day and suggested that my husband and I could get her in and out of her wheelchair and into our regular car. I've said that I'd be worried about seating her in the car with out the wheelchair as she can't support one side of her body one side is pretty much paralysed and even in the wheelchair, it's hard to keep her upright. Aside from which I'm not sure if I would be endangering her life by doing this and whether there are laws that cover this!

My husband and I are pretty 'can do' people and relatively physically strong — I just don't want to be reckless! Would love to know if anyone has any experience of managing a similar situation and what's reasonable for us to do? I know we live in a health & safety culture and sometimes common sense goes out the window — but equally, I don't know whether what my MIL is suggesting is reasonable or not.

Sadly, my MIL can sometimes mistake our genuine concerns for us being unwilling. As a side issue but immensely irritating her own daughters have a "don't be so stupid" attitude to her requests to engage in family occasions (they said this to her when she wanted to attend a wedding in the summer). There is no expectation on them to have her at Xmas or overnight ever! Since my FIL died, she's always stayed with us at various times and at Xmas.

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Original poster
Honeycrumb · 14/11/2014 13:23

Thanks for all the additional suggestions. She has had an OT and Physiotherapist but we didn't discuss the possibility of her visiting us. They and the hospital staff had concluded that she wasn't able to live at home alone. We will check to see if she can stand at all last time we asked, she couldn't.

Don't know if I said before but my MIL was 84 when she had the stroke and is now 85. She wasn't very mobile before the stroke as she has osteoporosis and problems with her feet, that made standing or walking for more than a few minutes very difficult for her. So, I have thought that because she wasn't very physically active before the stroke, this has hindered her ability to regain the little mobility she had before it.

threepiecesuite Was wondering whether your MIL can support her weight, lift herself out of the chair even a little. When I've supported my MIL to put on jackets etc., she's not able to shift her bottom on the seat just wondered if your MIL had a bit more mobility? I can't see getting her into our regular car safely -- the doors don't open wide enough. My dp and talked about how with a sliding door that would be more doable.

I have also been thinking about dignity issues -- if she does come, we have nowhere other than the kitchen / diner or living room for her to get onto a commode.

I think getting her to us is not the big problem , needing the toilet whilst she's with us is the main issue.

Excitedforxmas the care home might have space to do this, we did discuss this and we know it's a possible option.

In terms of carer(s) to help on the day -- we have wondered what it would be like to have a stranger to be with us on Xmas day? Never had to do this before.

We will discuss all the options with her at the w/e and ring around some of the org's suggested by others. My MIL has been a lifelong active member of her local church and has continued to attend every week since she moved into the care home. Taxi's ferry her there and back. I know she will canvas her numerous contacts there -- some do work in health. So we'll see what she's found out too.

I'll keep you posted! Thanks for all your help so far.

OP posts:
MicronesiaIsMyHome · 13/11/2014 14:26

One more suggestion but could you or your dh drive to the home and go in the taxi with your mil? Then do the same in reverse at home time? May help your mil with her anxiety and you can settle her back into her room too.

threepiecesuite · 12/11/2014 11:51

Great to see your determination to make this happen.

My MIL is 70. She has been paralysed on one side followed a series of strokes since she was 50. She also has dementia now.
She lives in her own home, has carers 4 times a day, and goes to a day centre 3 times a week via community transport. She also goes to the hairdressers.

This year, she managed 2 family weddings, and she'll come to us for Christmas. With help, she can get in and out of our normal sized car. DP and his brother assist her on and off the commode at our house and she wears pads for accidents. It's doable. We've always just sort of managed. A stand - aid/rotaturner is useful and portable.

Does she have a social worker? Make an appointment with them and a manager from the care home if poss to gather ideas and limitations.
I think it's great that you're putting her wishes first.

FishWithABicycle · 12/11/2014 11:28

If before the stroke you would have been happy to have her on Xmas day, I think spend the money on making it happen including having the right equipment and a dedicated nurse. Yes it will be expensive but money won't buy time back if you don't and later regret it.

catsofa · 12/11/2014 11:01

Do people think it's worth contacting Social Services for a referral to an Occupational Therapist? They may be able to visit, offer advice, lend equipment etc.

Also does MiL have any contact with a hospice? Hospices have a different attitude to other services and are much more willing to take things like this seriously and see what can be done rather than assume it will be impossible or isn't worth trying. They're also IME really really nice, and sympathetic and experienced in exactly this sort of thing. Perhaps just give your nearest one a ring and see if they have any advice.

Could she possibly even go to your nearest hospice for a couple of days respite over xmas? They'd be equipped to cope comfortably, and family could all pile in, do your own thing in her room, choose to mingle or not with other residents, just make it your own much more than in a care home.

Excitedforxmas · 12/11/2014 10:51

Is there any room at the care home for you all to govthere for a buffet?

Original poster
Honeycrumb · 12/11/2014 10:45

Thanks everyone for the input and suggestions. We'll see what my mil and staff say at our next weekend visit re the various options.

coffeeinapapercup thanks for the suggestion but we will see her on xmas day no matter what, whether it's at our house or at the care home.

Fannyfifer sadly we're nowhere near Fife!

I'll update you all when we've made some decisions.

OP posts:
Coffeeinapapercup · 12/11/2014 07:51

Worst case scenario and she couldn't come, Do you think the home would help you to set up her up with a tablet that linked through Skype to you? Then she could be a virtual part of the proceedings

drudgetrudy · 11/11/2014 11:11

If she really wants to do this and has the money I would let her pay for the maximum amount of help. I would also check with a senior member of staff in the nursing home whether they consider this to be safe.
My Mum is in a similar situation-can't weight bear at all and we brought her to our house for the past two Christmases-to be honest it was a bit of a nightmare.
Special taxi was very costly because it was Christmas day-although that wasn't really a concern.
We live a little nearer to the home so she stayed just about 3 hours. We couldn't manage toileting-she had to use the incontinence pad-was upset.
We are not trying this year-we will spend the morning with her at the nursing home. Her confusion has increased and I don't think she will appreciate it anyway.
I am sure there will be ways round this if you are all determined but if you are advised that it wouldn't actually be safe I would think very carefully.
If she wants it very much and can pay for a carer etc herself I would do that even though its only one day.

FannyFifer · 10/11/2014 20:28

Definitely check if she can stand even for a sec, if you happened to be near me (Fife) I could show you a few easy transfers, moving & handling stuff, easier in person.

Inthedarkaboutfashion · 10/11/2014 19:03

I think it will be worth the effort if you manage it because Christmas is a real family time and your MIL will appreciate it.

Original poster
Honeycrumb · 10/11/2014 17:16

ps Our toilet isn't wide enough to put a wheelchair next to it for transferring. If we get her to our house, I had resigned myself to the idea that we would have the commode in a private room with enough space for manoeuvres!

Yes, CheeseandGherkins we do have a bit of time before xmas to explore options and sort things out. Gonna do my best to get her to us!

I love mumsnet for the all the people that take the time share their ideas and thoughts, so glad I posted this, lots to ponder.

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Original poster
Honeycrumb · 10/11/2014 17:11

fannyfifer ipswichwitch and vdbfamily

Thanks for the helpful suggestions / tips. I haven't seen my MIL stand since she had the stroke. The physio's reported that she could stand very briefly if supported. One side of her body is almost a dead weight.

She was assessed at hospital and at the care home by an OT and is required to need a hoist -- I've seen the sling, she says they use it but not sure if they use it all the time.

I think trialling things at the care home is a good idea but I'm pretty sure they won't support us to do anything that doesn't meet their health & safety policy. I will speak to them though and see what they think.

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vdbfamily · 10/11/2014 15:07

there is a piece of equipment called a rotastand which is less bulky than a hoist and alot of people can manage it,especially if there are 2 of you to assist.

www.beaucaremedical.co.uk/hoists--patient-handling/turntables/rota-stand-for-patient-handling/451?gclid=CjwKEAiA4YGjBRDOxa3XvfTnvSASJACC3bLB5ns6VuLNyP6YuQ_HX7EKQqToK5WsdJ_2rbtT7aZIohoCvafw_wcB

Most equipment companies have reps who are happy to try equipmet out with patients to see if they are suitable. Was a decision made by an occupational therapist that your mother needed hoisting or was it the care home who decided they could no longer lift her? Has she ever tried a transfer board with assistance of 2?
If you had a wheeled commode you could transfer her onto it somewhere spacious and then if you remove the commode pan,the commode usually pushes over the toilet, depending on how high the toilet is and how narrow the downstairs toilet area is!
What a difficult decision for you all.Hope you find a workable solution.

FannyFifer · 10/11/2014 14:52

Also didn't see she is quite sensitive to touch, agree that would make things more difficult, if she was confident and game for trying stuff then it would be simpler.

If she panicked she could hurt you or herself.

FannyFifer · 10/11/2014 14:50

Any idea if they always use a full hoist & sling or can they use a stand aid with her?

I've helped relatives at home with no proper equipment in one off situations, obviously at work I use appropriate equipment at all times etc.

If she could stand with support of one person in front then person behind sorts clothes & puts commode under would that work?

Or wheelchair to side of toilet then take side off it to slide mil across to loo?

You can buy transfer boards, turning circles, transfer belts all pretty cheaply.

ipswichwitch · 10/11/2014 14:39

Since the stroke, she's quite fearful of her safety and sensitive to touch

This will make lifting and handling more complex. The bonus with a hoist is that she may well feel safer being transferred, and be less anxious about falling than when other people are trying to lift her. Transferring someone frightened of falling is difficult as sometimes they can grab at you if they think they're going to fall, which will pull you off balance and can make the process unsafe.

I think if you are going to attempt to collect her in your car you need to give it a try first, with carers from her home to help advise on technique. Failing that, maybe have a word with the taxi company about her needs - see if there's a regular driver that may take more care with her.

Original poster
Honeycrumb · 10/11/2014 14:33

FannyFifer
^Few questions, can she weight bear
at all?^
Very little, using her right side.

Can she transfer at all without a hoist?
No.

How heavy is she?
About 9 stone.

How accessible is your house, toilet etc.
Downstairs toilet but not big enough for a hoist. We know we can get her in and out of the downstairs rooms.

Does she need assistance eating and drinking, thickened fluids, soft diet etc?
No.

Is she relatively well apart from stroke symptoms?
Yes, relatively. Slight confusion occasionally but it usually passes.

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 10/11/2014 14:30

Sorry I'm a nurse & work in complex care in the community so used to a challenge. Grin

Original poster
Honeycrumb · 10/11/2014 14:28

Micronesia she does use wheelchair accessible taxis for local travel but the drivers vary -- some are very nice and occasionally she's had less than caring one's. Since the stroke, she's quite fearful of her safety and sensitive to touch. I'd be worried about her travelling for an hour with a taxi driver, who may or may not be nice or drive like a maniac.

I'm going to discuss all your suggestions and concerns with my husband and see what he thinks. Lifting her in and out of the car or commode I can see would be very difficult — and potentially dangerous to her and us.

I wish we could beam her to us and back again when needed!

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FannyFifer · 10/11/2014 14:28

Few questions, can she weight bear
at all?
Can she transfer at all without a hoist?
How heavy is she?
How accessible is your house, toilet etc.
Does she need assistance eating and drinking, thickened fluids, soft diet etc?

Is she relatively well apart from stroke symptoms?

The nursing home will not let you borrow a hoist though you would not be insured or trained to use it.

There are companies you can hire equipment from.

CheeseandGherkins · 10/11/2014 14:28

I'd speak to the Red cross as they hire or lend mobility aids. You can also hire or buy a mobile hoist if you need one. I would be making sure that she could spend Christmas day with you if that's what she wanted and I speak from someone who has experience of disability. It's just one day and there is plenty of time to put measures into place or hire/loan aids.

Original poster
Honeycrumb · 10/11/2014 14:17

Thanks everyone so far, I'm taking in all the responses and ideas with interest.

Micronesia she does use incontinence pads, no catheter. The pads are used by the care staff in case she has an accident, they take her to the toilet regularly.

Coffeeinapapercup I have tried to speaking to care staff before but answers always differ, depending on who we speak to. I haven't discussed this with them yet as it only came up yesterday. My MIL has mentioned it to them and they just suggested us coming to the care home to her.

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Inthedarkaboutfashion · 10/11/2014 14:05

Swivel seat pads make getting in and out of the car much easier for people with paralysis on one side.

Coffeeinapapercup · 10/11/2014 14:04

Have you had a chat with her carers and her care home? They are the ones best able to help you work out whether you can meet her needs and how.