Page 39 | Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

Needmoresleep · 2014-09-01T08:08:30+00:00

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

Theas18 · 09/09/2014 08:59

Topsie def sort out POA the point is to get in when you don't need it and the process involves a time in which it is inactive ( IIRC 3 months) so the person has to remain mentally competent for some time after it's been signed up

TopsieTurvie · 09/09/2014 08:34

Sugar, good idea, will talk to the doctor. Also a lawyer re POAs - very worrying to hear you needed more than one, suspect I might too. Hope you got it sorted.

NMS, thank you for sharing. Rings lots of bells. I managed to find an aggressive/abusive H to follow on from my mother. He is now ex. But I still have to deal with my mother and I cannot use him as an excuse....

Seriously helpful to know I am not alone.

Original poster

Needmoresleep · 09/09/2014 07:41

On a different note, did anyone else spot the Tatler guide to Care Homes.

www.tatler.com/news/articles/august-2014/the-poshest-old-peoples-homes---part-one

This seems to be a truncated version which misses the care home Tony Benn moved to, which starts at £1,500 a week. New meaning to champagne socialism?

I like the quote " We start life in institutions, playing games and making pals. Why not return to them, to be cared for, fed and comforted?"

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Original poster

Needmoresleep · 08/09/2014 20:10

My fall-back is to blame my husband.

My relationship with DM has evolved considerably over the past 18 months, but till then she used a well practised routine of manipulation that had worked since I was a child.

Then Bingo I found the solution which was to say DH was not happy. She was of a generation that believed a wife's duty was first and foremost to keep the husband happy. Ultimately she was very worried about being left on her own. Therefore though she was willing to be abusive and aggressive to me, she was much more wary of upsetting my husband. If he set limits it was clear that the position was non-negotiable.

From what you say, your mum sounds very needy. It does not sound as if having her live with you is a solution.

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SugarPlumTree · 08/09/2014 17:46

Topsie I can't add much to NMS excellent post. One thing I will say is we considered taking my Mother in and every single one of my friends said don't do it. So glad I didn't, it would have been a disaster . I think you says it would kill you, even in jest, means you should think really hard about taking that step if the time comes. It is ok to say no.

I'd go for someone like a Doctor telling her to go and do the POA if you think there's any chance she might listen. A solicitor told me to do everything I could t get it in place rather thn have to apply to the COP. I'm hoping we're not too late to get one for FIL though had the added headache of needing one for Spain and one for here. He wouldn't even acknowledge we mentioned it whn we tried in August.

TopsieTurvie · 08/09/2014 13:59

Much food for thought there, thank you once again. No there is no one she listens too. I have tried her closest friends. She will not make any other place work for her as she wants to move in with me. We already have a holiday let near her but it is only for holidays distance-wise (and sometimes, whilst DC are still young and cheaper, I wish I could spend holidays in a different place). Just cannot see the way through yet. I still talk to her but have mentally walked away already, hoping she could stay independent for a few more years. I guess I could tell her: sign this (nobrainer, to her advantage, mad not to) or I apply to the court for a poa?

Original poster

Needmoresleep · 08/09/2014 10:45

Topsie really worth sorting out a POA sooner than later. The crisis could come in the form of a stroke or something equally incapacitating. Is there anyone she might listen to. The point of a POA is that you only use it in areas where or times when that person is unable to make decisions.

With POAs the focus is usually on advising the person on the rights they are giving up, not the duties the Attorney is taking on. If there is sufficient money I would strongly advise ensuring that the POA allows for charging expenses, and, if there is sufficient money there, for payment for time spent. Not having to raid the family bank account to support my mother, means one less area of potential resentment.

Is there scope for a middle way? Sheltered/very sheltered accommodation nearby perhaps. After a year of 6 hour round trips we had a light bulb moment and decided to buy a holiday flat near my mother. She provided a loan secured against the property, and we cover costs through holiday lets. (Big discount to anyone who has elderly parents living near a seaside town starting with B and not Brighton!) We can then visit her easily and have a break at the same time. The important thing is to identify a solution that is sustainable for you. Deep down, and as I got better at being assertive, I think my mother recognised that if she pushed me too hard I might simply walk away.

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TopsieTurvie · 08/09/2014 09:53

Oh I hear you, especially about fearing the worst when you cannot reach them and about giving up chunks of own life to try to make their wishes happen. Guess I can only wait for a crisis to prompt a poa - so then at least I have some power to deal with some of the most urgent things. But if she does need care, taking her in (as she wants) would probably kill me, so fingers crossed please that she will not need care yet!

Original poster

Needmoresleep · 08/09/2014 09:16

Topsie. Horrid isn't it.

I guess our parents, like us, have a right to make bad decisions as well as good. What then becomes difficult is if we are expected, or expect ourselves, to pick up the pieces. At time when health/care workers would ask my mum what she wanted, I wanted to scream "what about me". All well and good her saying she wanted to remain in her own home or stay in the same town, but no one seemed to consider whether I minded giving up a substantial chunk of my life making this happen.

Much as we might like to, we can really protect our parents from the impact of their bad decisions. My mother could well have died whilst living alone and refusing any form of help. I did not even have access to a spare key, and therefore was left fearing the worst each time I could not reach her on the phone. As a gesture of independence she thought it clever not to tell me when she had booked a holiday. Because obviously me wanting to be sure she was safe was "interfering". Later though she confessed that she had once got stuck in the bath and had really thought she would die there. Very luckily when she did have a fall she was outside.

(She was a big fan of those coach trips where they count you on and off the bus so you cant get lost, though bizarrely she booked herself on a month long cruise to Canada at a point when she was unable to cook, nor operate her heating, nor in fact recognise I was her daughter not her sister. When she got back she had to look up where she had been as she could not remember.)

Only with a crisis and a POA, can I do much. And even now I can find myself resenting the financial/asset mess (very luckily too much rather than too little - but no tax return for 5 years, probate not completed for my dad, and much more) and the adjustments to our life my family have had to make to our lives to accommodate her wishes.

When I got to about the fifth time of wondering whether she was dead or alive, did I sit down with my husband and children and ask for their confirmation that they did not consider me responsible if she were lying on the floor dying. I could not be responsible for her safety if she would not let me.

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TopsieTurvie · 08/09/2014 08:27

Thanks all. She was diagnosed with ADHD this summer. I looked on the net and (apart from medication) the strong recommendation is to have healthy, structured lifestyle. She will not. I have been telling her and trying to help for years. Now I am angry with her (plus feeling hopeless, guilty, etc). It seemed almost as though she refuses to turn herself around so as be the centre of drama. Now I wonder whether she has actually lost the ability (if she ever had it) even to recognise that she needs to change.

frogbubbles · 08/09/2014 07:09

Thanks blondieminx sorry to hear about your DHs granny it's must be difficult for you all. Mines very early stages so at the moment it's more frustration or forgetful outbursts. I'm trying to prepare the family as it's only going to get worse but enjoying (relatively) normal family time at the moment.

It's a horrible disease,, and one that affects the while family as well as the individual.

Blondieminx · 08/09/2014 01:08

Hi frogbubbles it is very very tough. Are you in touch with any dementia support services? Assume you have already seen this DH's granny has dementia and it's awful, she doesn't recognise anyone anymore and has some quite agressive episodes (she was a lovely kind lady).

Oh SugarPlum the language complication on top of everything - ugh! My heart does go out to you. I'm sure there must be some Spanish speaking MNer's out there who could help? I can manage some Italian & French but no Spanish I'm afraid.

frogbubbles · 08/09/2014 00:57

Hi, newbie here. Hoping to join this thread for a little support. I care for my elderly grandparents, my Nanna is 74 and had early stage dementia and my pops is 80 and has lots of things going on, it's like a battle everyday and sometimes I wish I could walk away, but I love and care for them too much to let that happen

SugarPlumTree · 07/09/2014 14:34

Thanks for asking. He has a blood clot (well bubble in the blood) they found on one scan and are doing a further one later. Assumably this scuppers chances for him to fly. I need to start a new thread. It would help hugely if one of us spile Spanish but we don't.

Blondieminx · 07/09/2014 12:45

NeedMore thanks, it is pretty grim.

Unfortunately there are no MacMillan nurses in our area, the lovely hospice supplies them instead but dad keeps sending them away because he feels it's too much on top of district nurses and carers . What makes the whole situation SO much worse is how fragmented it all is. Plus Dad was treated at Colchester, which was allegedly fiddling cancer waiting lists

I know what you mean re it takes a crisis before they let you help, so frustrating!

Blondieminx · 07/09/2014 12:38

topsie oh goodness. No 67 isn't too young - she's a pensioner. My folks are 68 and 70. Make her go to the GP also to rule out any underlying causes.

SugarPlum how are things today? Sorry to hear you had such a rotten night and everything looks so much worse when you haven't had enough sleep. I may pop a Zopiclone tonight, but very early as I don't want to be woozy for school run/vet trip (cat suddenly off her food) in the morning before going over to my parents house.

Original poster

Needmoresleep · 07/09/2014 09:32

Blondie, it sounds awful. Do you have support from a MacMillan nurse? When my dad was ill (brain tumour and determined to die at home) they we good at helping unravel what was available. Their website also had some useful stuff for carers.

Topsie, hope you got some sleep. Has your mum seen a GP? I am not a medic but depression, hormonal imbalance or possibly early Alzheimers might be considered, plus I assume other things. There maybe scope for treatment. Even the progression of Alzheimers can be slowed with Aricept. Plus if a vicious cycle of poor eating, poor sleep etc is broken, things can improve.

My mum is older but it was horrid seeing her when newly widowed not coping. In her case, she was 80 then, it was Alzheimers. It took 4 years and a crisis before I could intervene. It was very difficult knowing she needed help but her and others not accepting it.

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SugarPlumTree · 07/09/2014 09:28

That sounds very hard to deal with . I have read that sometimes problems comes to light after partner dies as they have been muddling along, hiding problems.

I think in your situation I'd want to try and get her to a GP and get some blood tests done to start with - though I know that is easier said than done.

TopsieTurvie · 07/09/2014 05:54

SugarPlumTree, sorry you hear you are having such an awful time and thanks for responding nonetheless. Hope it gets better for you soon.

TopsieTurvie · 07/09/2014 05:51

Inability to deal with any paperwork or take any decisions since her H died, unable/unwilling to take care of herself - think full out woe is me mode, rather than let's pick myself up now and have some structure, healthy food, exercise, normal bedtimes again. No hobbies. Aggressive to her children. Possible alcohol issue. Complains about everything all the time.

Writing this down is making me reel.

SugarPlumTree · 07/09/2014 05:13

My Mother is 76 and FIL is 88. 67 is pretty young but sadly sometimes things do go pear shaped.

What sort of things are going on?

DD now up with stomach cramps, my sleep attempts aren't going well.

TopsieTurvie · 07/09/2014 05:06

Hi all, may I ask? What age are your parents? 67 year old widow is too young for care, right? Apart from her age, a lot of what I'm reading here fits

SugarPlumTree · 07/09/2014 04:41

Hi Blondieminx and sorry you're not sleeping either. I did try but just can't drop off. I do find it swirls round, despite trying to have times when I push it into a corner.

I don't know whether FIL is going to get through this to be honest. He's 88 with lots of health conditions and I suspect he may well end up with a haematoma. Guess time will tell but DH said earlier he felt hus Dad wouldn't make it through next week and I think he might be right.

I'm really sorry about your Dad and Mum. It is so difficult trying to get good quality care at Home. I've been on the receiving end of Mum's aggression and it is horrible.

So hard for everyone.

Blondieminx · 07/09/2014 03:23

signing in for the "still up and worrying about the parents" hour... SugarPlum good luck with the FIL repatriation process, it sounds like you have so much on.

Do you find that everything just swirls round you at this time? I'm shattered but brain still turning everything over, trying to find a solution to it all?

My DDad has cancer, he also has severe leg ulcers - the district nurses come every other day to dress them but he's bandaged from knee to toe :( He's really not good but after a real crisis and a number of falls we now have some additional carer support. It's so bloody fragmented, no one turns up when they are supposed to either. He's determined to stay at home but is getting really grumpy and shouty ... it's awful Furry that agression is SO hard to deal with isn't it.

My mum is awaiting a knee replacement and is at the end of her tether with it all.

Sending and and sympathy to everyone on this thread, it's so bloody hard isn't it.

SugarPlumTree · 07/09/2014 02:58

Well shit hit fan with FIL as I bloody told them it would if they sent him back. He is currently in a bed in a corridor in a Spanish hospital awaiting decision in morning whether they will admit or not. He fell, hit his head with nasty wound and doctor says he nearly died, suspect not out of the woods yet on that from, time will tell. We need to medically repatriate him somehow. DH probably flying out tomorrow, or should I say later today.

Why why why do siblings not listen?