Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

Well here mum and dad are both home and tbh I'm just waiting for the collapse of the delicately balanced house of cards...

Good news - mum had her knee injected yesterday - so much is wrong with her but if her arthritis pain was helped that would be a real quality of life thing. Eye injections and ill go over Wednesday.

But...Dad fell at 5am on thurs blocking the landing and not being able to get up. Mum actually had her button and pressed it and shouted over the banister at the alarm box - result as ambulance and the poor neighbours were called ( they are saints). He's ok ish but moaning about sore feet. We can't tell if this is real or an " I want to stay with you all day and not go to the day centre" .gp has checked him.

So it goes on.

Hope everyone else is coping. It's so one day to the next here.

Evening all. Dh took fil to see mil ( 40 miles each way with wheelchair in car) who looked a little better and seemed to recognise fil- for the first time in months. But mil not eating and drinking little- on morphine etc so it is only a matter of time. Fil still does not seem to realise it is nearly the end.
So - a waiting game and taking care of everyone. To all.

So sorry about stupid typo. I meant for the next few days.

I m really sorry to hear that Blondie. I must admit I was working in. London, in the 90s and my team had plenty of ring fenced HIV monies. I noticed when I was back home dad's local hospice is under threat of closure. Seems like such a backward step. I m glad to hear you are getting lots of visits though. I wish you strength for the next few years.

Tbh it's a little patchy where we are - no Macmillan nurses, only hospice ones and they are currently overstreched so up to now we've had ONE visit a week (supplemented with private carers, but at least the cost for those is covered by attendance allowance). It took 3 weeks of me ringing/emailing to get the NHS to finally install his bariatric bed Yesterday we had a great end of life team nurse and today a good hospice nurse. So all rather better than it was. Just so hard on my poor DM

Absolutely YES to wine. A glass or two at the week end is my medicine.
Blondie glad to hear your dad is more comfortable. Britain has one of the best palliative care services and it s at times like these you need them. They are trained to meet the changing needs of people with life limiting illness so use them as much as you can ( I used to work in pall. care).

Thanks NoMoreSleep Well today is a much better day here. We've had an AMAZING hospice nurse here today, who has finally convinced dad to have some more meds. He's visibly more comfy so we're all more relaxed.

My sister has arrived. So we are all together. My poor mum, all the nurses and dad's general condition is obviously taking its toll.

twentyten I get what you mean about being there for your own DC and trying to juggle the stuff for your parents too.

sugarplum you haven't just "tried" darling - you've done the arranging and supported as plans and accommodation have changed in line with the inevitable deterioration - you're doing a really great job.

ishouldcocoa how is your logistics planning going

whataboutbob I think we should all escape our problems by skipping off to America... We should do an elderly parents Californian wine tour perhaps

NMS I Have to report that dad is back to being a Poundland regular . As his carers are usually with him it's OK. He marched in there when I was with him last week. Filled the basket with random, unnecessary stuff which I just dumped on a shelf before exiting. ( sorry Poundland) . Seems like the habit of acquiring stuff is hard wired but he wasn' t too bothered about paying and walking out with the stuff.
Dad said he wanted to go and live in America because here is lousy. I am sure that here is the reality of life with dementia and America is a place where he is free of the disease. Maybe something similar is happening with your mum- she wants to be in a place where she is the competent person she used to be. Here ( wherever that happens to be) is never going to be that place. Those who hang around trying to help the demented person live their present life are going to get the brunt of their frustrations. That' s the sadness of dementia.

Thanks sugar. I second a large for us all and a bid to look after ourselves too. We do what we can but it will never be enough and we must remember to look after ourselves too. Choc o clock?

Thanks all for your commiserations. I felt very low this morning.

Need to have a chat with DH; he's under pressure too work wise, and I've supported him for the last 18 years. I also sorted out his ageing parents soon after we married - they both died with 5 years of us getting hitched - and I had a toddler and a 3 hour journey to get to them, too. He has a very short memory.

Need to plan how to get DF to St Georges, Tooting for 8am on Monday. Its going to require a bl**dy early start, thats for sure.

Its just nice to know that you're not alone in all this, and all I can suggest is more

I shouldcocoa, lots of sympathy. Building work is stressful at best of time without all the extra things you are juggling. Would there be any possibility of your Dad going into respite care for a few days ? My Mother has started going on about good looking young men rather too much for my liking and FIL keeps going on about how the cleaner rubs him down after his bath if that is any consolation!

Blondieminx I am so sorry . I'm really glad you have support in RL. Shame it's not your sister but it seems from here that absent siblings very common.

Twentyten, sounds like you have a huge amount going on. I do think it sucks trying to deal with teens and demented parents as they seem to need a lot of emotional support at this point.

All quiet here on FIL front so live in care seems to be working for him (touches wood frantically). Mum on other hand not so good as won't keep her leg bandages on. NH talking of calling SS for Best Interests decision. Not sure how that works but understand they have to cover themselves. They did say if she doesn't improve will get to the stage they can't handle her so I said I thought it us now time we look at Dementia unit.

Rather handy given that the ops Manager of thd one being built is coming next week to visit her ! Bet her £100 today that she couldn't keep her bandages on for 2 weeks and the plans I have for the money I know she'll have to give me. She told me not to be so sure, I live on hope! NH have requested the Psychiatrist comes to visit her as well

Big decline over last year. First in a flat in CH, then to NH and next will be Dementia unit. Sad, but I have tried.

Hello. So glad about the walnut whips! Here my mil is now in final stages of dementia and 40 miles form my wheelchair bound fil who is struggling to accept things. Dh and bil/ sil are doing all the stuff but I am supporting and trying to keep my stressed dd 17 (uni applications) on the right track and care for my 89 year old dm who requires time and energy and yes will never say how much she recognises/ appreciates what I do- never has and never will but it doesn't make it easy. Chocolate and wine help. and to all. This is a great place to rant!

Ishouldcocoa be blunt with your H, your parents need you as they decline and frankly as a fully capable adult, you'd expect support rather than whining comments from him . Really sympathise about the coordinating of medical appts, a full time job in itself!

Still lurking. Dad is worse (on oxygen now) and not expected to see Monday lots of offers of help from good friends, feeling well supported ATM at least. And our childminder is being bloody marvellous. My sister still conspicuous by her absence not looking forward to sorting out Dad's estate as I expect she'll leave me to do all that as well

Can I join, please?
Both parents still alive, but DF with dementia and secondary bone cancer. Has already been treated for prostate cancer and lost a kidney due to a tumour. DM battling through it, with me close behind.

She's needing more and more help these days. They have someone 2 days a week, but I could really do with moving in for a few days and sending Mum away. Trouble is, all the medical appointments and uncertainty mean we cannot plan for anything.

I'm worried about Mum. If she keels over, the delicate balance that we now have will crumble. DF now under about 6 consultants. ( Lucikly, DF not bothered much by all the medical stuff wrong with him. Takes it all in his stride, and is still loving and kind. Also has really filthy sense of humour which is a new thing. He cracks me up sometimes. So glad we don't have the aggression... Yet).

Meanwhile, I have no kitchen (extension in full flow) and a marriage that's crumbling. Lots of accusations that I'm putting my parents first. :(

I don't know where to turn. Thank you for reading.

It really is hard NMS. Can you just take time out for a few weeks, or even a couple of months? You have been dutiful and made sure you r mother is safe. Her dementia is not a situation of your own making. It is so hard becuae the situation just goes on and on, with a lot of effort on your part, and little rewards. in all areas of life: work, children, friends, we are used to getting positive feedback/ growth for our efforts. But with demented parents, there can be very little of that.
Went to see Dad Tuesday. He s still restless, had to have 4 walks, wanted to go into town again at 7pm, when I started walking back towards his house he said "you're rotten, you're foul". I stuck to my guns, and within a couple of minutes he'd forgotten. There were other difficult moments him trying to put on my (nice, French) jacket, me saying it was mine, him shouting "you're lying", him getting angry when i undressed him to bathe him. I'm mostly hardened to it, but boy it sucks.

Oh need more it's so hard isn't it? And for you. It's a thankless task and so upsetting.

You are doing an amazing job. Are you looking after yourself? Treat yourself today. And give yourself a big pat on the back.

Thank you.

It's hard to know. I don't think I have seen any signs of dementia. The truth (sadly) is that my mother has always had a quick temper and a very sharp tongue. (She also has a fairly relaxed attitude to sell by dates!). But you are right - it's something to bear in mind.

Hello. I was going to start a thread but may I butt in here instead?

I have two elderly and creaky parents and am finding it increasingly hard to cope. It's not so much the doing stuff for them (which is manageable) as the stream of phone calls from my mother in which she complains about how infirm my father is. My parents have always had a volatile relationship, but now she seems to resent him for being unwell and less capable. I understand it must be taxing for her, but it upsets me that she is so (verbally) abusive to him. I witness this frequently and this morning (even though she will not usually admit to any fault) she told me that she verbally attacked him yesterday after he had a mishap which made a mess.

I don't see any answer to any of this, so I suppose I'm just venting.

Health and welfare only really important for Mum as Brother so far away. We're going to do it for FIL (fingers crossed) whilst we're doing the finance one but think lots of people don't. Given his families history I think it will help to have it with his wishes laid out. Assuming he has capacity.

We've decided to move Mum. Everyone is shocked when they see pics of her legs. The last place had them beautifully under control, now I think they have probably ulcerated. A bank HCA said to me why was I keeping her there and we should get her out which was the final straw.

She'll be going to one that I wanted her to go to but it isn't opening till end of the year. I've spent ages talking to the Operation s Manager who is great plus a trained counsellor, felt loads better after ! Brother spoke to him too and really liked him.

Off to visit the site next week complete with hard hat. Op Manager will visit her as much as we'd like between now and then and she can choose her room. We've visited their other Home and know someone who has a relative there and they are delighted. He also said today that they encourage you to apply for NHS Continuing care if they feel at any point you have a good chance of getting in plus thinks Mum with her legs and meds needs should be getting the £108 nursing allowance that I had forgotten about.