Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

My mother is lonely and depressed

30 replies

galaxy81 · 27/01/2014 16:56

My mom is not elderly - so maybe I'm in the wrong thread. She's only in her mid50's. But I really need advice and I'd be grateful for any suggestions on what to do. My dad left when I was 5 and mom spent much of the time since then either jumping from bad relationship to bad relationship (two of which were very abusive) or going through spells of loneliness and depression. This was hard for me growing up, as you can imagine but I now live a happy adult life with a loving partner and we are currently trying for a baby. I moved to a town 4 hours drive from my mother when I moved in with my partner a year ago. My mom lives on her own. I try and visit as often as I can, but its hard, especially because I have very little money. Also, she is extremely negative and I can find this draining. I always try to be there for her, answer her calls, and when I can I pay for us to do things together. Since most of her relationships have been disastrous, she has very little trust in people or in anything. She also is overweight and has no self-confidence. On top of it all, she has very little money and is in debt, which adds to everything. This might sound hard to believe but she has no friends at all and despite being well educated, life has taken its toll and her lack of confidence holds her back from looking for a good job. I've done so many things to try to improve her situation over the years, but its hopeless. For example I suggest she joins a club or gets out and meets people but she is very negative and usually throws my suggestions back in my face. She doesn't want to come and visit me and my partner because of the cats (she has several cats) but she phones me constantly complaining about being sad and lonely. I just feel at my wits end. I feel that if she were happy a massive weight would be removed from my shoulders. This has always been the way, and just like when I was younger I sometimes feel resentful of her and ask myself why can't she be happy like other people's mothers seem to be. I've always felt like it was my responsibility but nothing I do is right. I have hinted to her that maybe she should see a counselor or a GP but she says that if she could meet someone she wouldn't feel bad any more. But she hasn't had a relationship in over ten years. She won't try internet dating.

OP posts:
Arpy · 06/04/2014 07:01

Hi, I am nodding in agreement as I read your dilemma, galaxy81. As you say, the neediness and manipulation starts early. ("Since we were conscious," my sister says)! My therapist has helped me see that I had to set boundaries so that Mum's depression and demands don't swallow me up. (Mum's 85, ailing and unhappier than ever now).

Your mum is so young! So you have to do this now, otherwise you have possibly decades of her b.....s to drag you down. When she complains about her stuff, you can sympathise without trying to provide solutions. "I'm really sorry Mum that you feel depressed/lonely...(wish I could take it away but I can't).

Whataboutbob's wise words above say it all: 'truly we can't make others happy and repair a lifelong history of poor choices and disappointments.'

miggygreene · 26/03/2014 02:57

I think you can take her something else peaceful to relax her mind and to keep her away from stress or sometimes take her with you if possible and let her feel how much you value and love her. Sometimes depression can be cured in a way that you let the person feel that she/he was appreciated, loved and cared. It would probably help if you let her realize her self worth.

whataboutbob · 27/01/2014 21:00

Oops sorry that should have read "I am more concerned about you than about her".

whataboutbob · 27/01/2014 20:21

Hi galaxy. As a complete outsider, What jumps out from your post is the self inflicted nature of you're mum's isolation and unhappiness.to be really frank I am more concerned abut her than about you, because I know what a burden an unhappy ,emotionally demanding parent can be. It sounds horribly cliched,but truly we can't make others happy and repair a lifelong history of poor choices and disappointments. My mum died in her mid 50 s. I really loved her a lot,but knew she was not happy. I have been in counselling for 18 months, mostly to help me cope with a demented father and a brother with mental illness. But one of the biggest insights i gained was that I had been believing I did not have the right to control over my own life, and happiness because on an unacknowledged level, I did not think I had the right to be happier than my mother.
Maybe some counselling would be helpful,to enable you to better understand how your mother makes you respond and feel responsible for her well being.

pippop1 · 27/01/2014 17:29

Your mother is not your responsibility, however much she tries to make you feel responsible.

What some people do is write to their parent's Dr and ask them to call them in for a chat, check BP, iron levels and so on and have a talk with them about their life. Sometimes people respond better to a Dr telling them what to do than to their children.

If you write to her GP then the GP will probably not reply to you because of patient confidentiality but if you state that you are concerned about your Mum's health (due to weight) and state of mind and would like her to have a check up then hopefully he/she can call your Mum an over 50s check up.

It could even be something simple such as your Mum has thyroid problems. Good luck - she is lucky to have a kind daughter!

Swipe left for the next trending thread