Stuff going missing in carehome

Of course it is never right that someone should steal from a confused, elderly person.

But, having had a good deal of experience with care homes, often things go missing. Everything has to be labelled with the persons name and if it can't be labelled, ask yourself if it is really worth leaving. Your first thought is staff, and that can happen. However, the other confused adults, or those with dementia, often wander and pick up things. This is not so much stealing as them not knowing what they are doing. If you put something down somewhere and it is not named, it is difficult to find the owner as items are not always something they recognise as being theirs. Or someone may claim it's theirs when it's not.

Also, people hide things, their things, someone else's things. Just because they do. When mum lost things the staff always knew which "magpies nest" they might turn up in. I doubt I would contact police over this incident. I certainly would be more careful over what was to be left in the home though. Some things don't matter. Some do- don't leave them.

And it doesn't hurt to itemise stuff before you go in, that said at the time it is just not a priority.

Does your mum care about the earrings?

In my existence of care homes and people with dementia, it's really not a priority.

A person's priorities are not what they were. They need a good relationship with the staff. If you generally don't trust the staff then that must be acknowledged and dealt with. Do other items go missing then turn up later - shoes , cardigans etc? Did anyone in your family think about that as possible theft? If you generally trust the staff then give it time, they may turn up. Anyone could have moved them, including another resident with dementia, who has no more stolen the item than if a toddler had picked them up and moved them.

My attitude is that anything I take to the care home may disappear and reappear. It's in the nature of the situation. Are there other issues with her care and this is the last straw? Otherwise I think all is required is to mention it casually "if anyone finds a pair of earrings" but not to treat it as a criminal matter.

Not sure about this really. It's a drag. Generally if something isn't labelled it goes missing, I dropped off my mother at the home with another pullover, intending to pick it up next day, bang! I didn't make it along and next week it is lost in the wash, never found again.

And anything wool or cashmere, don't leave it in the home, this is because it goes in the wash and gets shrunk and ruined.

I honestly cannot see how the police would get involved or do much and in this instance it comes down who has the power, you or the care home? £20 earrings is nothing in the scheme of things (we are paying £850 a week ffs at our place) so I imagine it is your impotence in the situation that grates. Mind you, the wedding rings are admittedly on a different scale. That said, things can get lost. I just don't know.

Just because your mum is elderly, vulnerable and needing extra care doesn't give anybody the right to steal from her, or be so careless with her possessions

Yes, the police should be involved as should the CQC and any agency used - there is a thief among the staff and your mum is unlikely to be the only victim.

Can you take a few days off to support your sister? Even just this Friday to go there for the weekend might be appreciated, although the sooner it's reported the better.