I resent...

hi to everyone here
many moons ago I started this topic so people like us could come here and vent and rave about the frustrations and sadness when dealing with our elderly parents.....now I'm found on the bereavement topics, you can guess why.....anyway, hugs to you all, its hard, so very very hard dealing with all this, and usually alone.

Why is this? With dementia thrown in, my mother was telling the whole hospital waiting room how dreadful I was and how wonderful my brother is.

I almost hugged the lady at the memory clinic who, after a particularly vehement rant, pointed out I was there, my brother was not.

The problem however is diminishing as my mother seems to have acknowledged she needs regular support, and that my brother is not going to provide it, and I have become more assertive in refusing to accept the constant criticism. Astonishingly liberating. Accepting my mother's attitude towards me was the habit of a lifetime.

Rant on. And Bob thanks for the French lesson. Am hiding from a French exchange who has yet to attempt a word of English. Daughter under instructions to take her on the standard London tour: Top Shop, Abercrombie and M&M world. I wont accompany.

to everyone on here who is struggling.

I too am very resentful.

I live just over the road from my parents. My DD died of Alzheimer's earlier this year after suffering for over 5 years. My DM was his carer (he stayed at home). Really it was almost a relief when he died after being so ill for such a long time. My DM managed ok with him, but moaned and snapped at me the whole time, nothing I did was right. I take her for all her shopping/doctors/appointments etc and all she does is complain. Every single situation is looked at in a negative view, and she spends all her time worrying about what will happen if...... I find it very hard to have anything like a normal conversation with her as she always thinks I am wrong, or trying to trick her into something. I give up a lot of time for her for no thanks and it is very draining. I also have 3 grown up children of my own and a lovely DH.

But, what I resent most of everything, is my two useless brothers. They both live less than 1/2 an hour away, never visit unless my DM has a job for them (and she pays them to do jobs), they never ring her to see how she is and never ring me to ask how things are. They are 55 and 53. She treats them like little darlings, buys them bottles of whisky and cooks them lunch. I never get so much as a cup of coffee.

My DM is always telling everyone about how wonderful the boys are and how much they do for her. I never get a mention, unless she's complaining about what I don't do.

Well, that was very therapeutic!

I also resent that now our DC are grown up, have moved away, and we do not need to stick to school hols for our own holidays we cannot go abroad on trips as things seem to happen with MIL when we are away, usually something with her house and often because she has fiddled with it, e.g. heating problems, she turns something off (freezer) or something breaks.

She won't go into respite voluntarily because of course "there's nothing wrong with me" and we cannot force her (apparently). We decided we would travel in the UK for less than a week but can't go, for example, on a 3 week trip to USA to see my DB. My own parents who are still relatively independent are 90 and 83 so I know that I will do more and more for them. DH is an only child and DB lives in USA so there's just me who lives locally for 3 oldies. It's a bit depressing.

I feel resentful as well sometimes. I resent that my looked forward to retirement plans came to nothing. I resent that my sister does not want to visit Mum as often as I do, and that she swans off on a 2 week cruise twice a year. I have managed a 4 day break and she still didn't visit more.
So you are not alone.

Alice FWIW I oscillate between resentment, anger and sadness a lot of the time. My father has Alzheimers, mum died 19 years ago, and to round things off nicely my brother has just been diagnosed with schizophrenia, after about 20 years of my Dad " siting on" the problem and obstructing any contact with psychiatry. They live together. Because mum isn t around I am official family problem solver/ carer etc. prior to dad it was my grandfather. I had to support ( Parkinson's s and cancer) until I had to arrange for him to go into a nursing home, which he hated.
Sometimes when I drop the kids off at school and look at the other mothers in their gangs discussing coffee mornings, 11 plus etc etc I just think I have nothing in common with them. I just don t even have the energy to try and strike up a rapport, truth be told I find a lot of them superficial, apart from a few exceptions.
Nice to see the loveLy French language being used in a post! Pedant alert! Resentir means to feel, to experience, I think resent is " eprouver de la rancune".

I get it too Alice and I think you'd be a rare person not to feel some level of resentment. Anyone buying Tenalady - Tenadirect are very good and you register once for VAT relief and apply it to account then it always takes the VAT off. No more standing in the pharmacy clutching a packet saying I need these for my Mother!

It's funny what gets to you. The never having a drink made for me really rankles for some reason. It all went a bit pear shaped with my Mum's care and I haven't seen her since July at her request (I was evil and plotting against her apparently). I might be going for a cuppa, she said 'you'll have to make it yourself' and I felt all pissed off again.

Please feel free to join the Dementia support thread and have a moan when you need it with others going through it to.

Alice, I really feel for you, and you are perfectly entitled to feel resentful about it all. I feel resentful and angry that other peoples parents are the same age as mine, and do babysitting, buy things for their GC, are emotionally supportive. And I get to buy incontinence pads, schlep my parents to appointments, phone them every day to make sure all is ok, etc

My mum (who has dementia) needs her knee replacing. She thinks this would be good as 'her friend had it done and it was great', but most of her pain is from her back which she forgets. And would never be compliant, so dad and I are blocking it as much as possible. Like Fabulous, the lack of ability to wander is a bit of a bonus.

My MIL with dementia refused to have her hip replaced "I'll think about it...." she used to say to the Dr but moaned at us about how bad it was.

Recently she had an episode when she found it extra difficult to walk and GP suggested it might be broken and insisted we take her to A & E. Dr at A & E said (in vague terms) that NHS would not do it as it was now too late and recovery would be uncertain as she would find it impossible to comply e.g. with recovery exercises, forgetting not to get out of bed in a careful way and so on.

So, if your DM is going to have the operation then have it sooner rather than later.

The ironic thing is that my MIL's bad hip has enabled her to stay in her house (with fairly advanced dementia) as her mobility is so poor. She has a few visits from carers per day. If she was capable of wandering she would get lost but she can't walk far enough to do so. Go figure!

Just to say I'm sorry you are going through all this and give you an un mumsnetty hug.

From a practical pov has she filed expressed consent to discuss anything and everything with you at the GP? He/she is probably treading a fine line around confidentiality that does come over as "jobs worthy" .

Do you have power of attorney for both health and finance, if not get it now before she becomes unable to grant it.

Are you looking after you? Do you have support at home? If ou are hiding down a ft job and being her carer you might be helped rather beyond what you'd expect by something simple like getting a cleaner or paying the have your ironing done.

Might be worth looking into day centres for her too - my very decrepit parents have been helped hugely by going to a day centre where they meet other ancients who are now their friends and do art/craft/chair exercises etc. it means mum isn't alien with demented dad 24/7 7 days a week ( she's mentally ok but physically more I'll than she thinks).

Oh and the joint replacement ..... Gosh... You need to maybe talk to the surgeon with her. Mum had her knee done some years ago when she was much more fit. Still took a whole year to really get "the benefit" and she was much worse re mobility for many months. Add o that the effect if a hospital stay in someone who might be dementing and physically not so good and I dunno where the balance of risks/problems and benefits lies.

Put me on the "pm when I need to chat/scream" list!