I resent...

whataboutbob No, she won't have anyone! She has a lovely gardener, and a hairdresser who goes each week and stops to chat for a bit. She refuses to have carers in, and wouldn't even consider a day centre when we suggested it. She has a neighbour who goes in from time to time and who will always go if there's a real problem which needs sorting out immediately. Her thought is that she wants to go on being "independent" but has completely lost the ability to see that she is anything but. Her confusion is the worst thing. She can't remember simple instructions so we can't sort anything out over the phone. She even rang me just before Christmas to tell me her phone wasn't working...

You're so right: with children it gets easier in many ways, with elderly people it just gets worse.

Sympathies to everyone in the same situation.

Porthto- I always find it interesting when people say "they looked after me when i was a kid, so now it's my turn" . Or even worse " they looked after you, so now etc etc". Having done both (and I will stop far short of caring for my father to the end) I think it is far easier to care for a baby/ child/ than for a demented adult. Practically :you can over ride a baby/ toddler / kid, not so easy an adult with dementia, a baby has a bowel motion, you change their nappy, job done. Your demented parent has a bowel motion... Emotionally: with kids you get the satisfaction of seeing them develop, with demented parents it is near relentless deterioration. And so on. So don't be too tough on yourself. When the bible was written, it mentions honour thy mother and father, but I can''t help thinking that 2000 years ago most people died in their 50's/60's, and mostly did not get dementia.
MAME- it sounds really tough. Are there things which could be put in place locally to her? I know it's a bit obvious, but carers/ cleaners/ day centre? So there is some safety net locally.

Goodness, the phone rang just as I posted that last message. It was for my DH but my stomach gave a lurch. I feel a bit upset that I have to live like this.

This thread is so good! I feel quite resentful lately, my aunt is becoming more of a burden and more of a worry by the week. I resent how it eats into everything else and how often I (or my lovely DH) have to drop everything to sort out some crisis. It's all long distance, too, about two hours each way. Sometimes I think that's better, but the travelling time is such a hassle and expense. She won't move though, flatly refuses even to consider how it might be easier.

I dread the phone ringing. After a small crisis this morning when she rang me three times, the phone rang again. I was so relieved when it was a friend inviting us over at the weekend I nearly cried.

If nothing else, this thread is theraputic!

Thank goodness its not just me who feels resentful ,I thought I was such a bad person but I realise now its a normal emotion for the situation I have been put in .Both my parents have dementia ,they aren't particulary old which means im relatively young to be in this situation ,I resent I have no time for myself or my family but I look at it that they looked after me as a child now I have to repay that ,but it is very difficult

Thanks pudcat and CM. My DM is not demented, though I understand what you're saying about people with dementia losing their self-monitoring skills.

She lived alone for 23 years before moving in with us and it's as though she got used to thinking of herself as perfect. But I suspect she was often put down and criticised as a child. She would be shocked if anyone tried to point out to her how much she repeated this with me. I've never tried to discuss it with her - but when it's DD I can't let it go by.

Biryani how are you doing?

My mum says exactly whatever she thinks at the time. So food my dad has worked hard to cook will be spat out and 'disgusting', I'll be fat, and she will not be dissuaded from saying things no matter if people are very obviously not interested and trying to stop it.

So I know where you are coming from Auriga

I think Auriga with dementia all social skills and feelings for others fly out of the window. I know this is the case with my Mum and others in her NH. There is 1 lady who always tells me I am fat whenever I go. My Mum swears a lot now. She never used to, and says rude things about others.

Aargh! Stand by for long rant or look away now...

I've been trying to cultivate a more positive attitude towards DM and, in that spirit, took her out with us to dinner with friends last night. They have a DD the same age as ours (15) and an older one.

Halfway through the meal DM started nagging DD to eat up what was on her plate (this hostess doesn't do small portions). DM wouldn't leave it alone, kept on at DD, 'don't you like it, try it, you've hardly eaten any, have a bit more, it's delicious etc'. DD politely said she wasn't hungry. DM then poked her in the thigh and said 'you just don't want to put on any more weight', among other things, which I barely heard through the red mist which descended.

I told her, as pleasantly as I could, to 'leave the poor girl alone' and she made light of it.

Today, I asked her (for the umpteenth time) not to comment on what DD eats or doesn't eat, or on her weight. She flatly denied saying any of it. Then she played the martyr card; said she'd better not go anywhere or see anybody in that case.

I kept repeating 'please don't do it, it's not acceptable, you embarrassed her in front of her friends'. So now she's in a huff.

She doesn't do apologies, other than the fake type which is preliminary to having another go at me. So now I feel like shit, except that DD is grateful to me for speaking up.

I'm not going to ask if I was being unreasonable. Because I wasn't. And there's a joke on the tip of my tongue, about maternal ambivalence working both ways, but I'm having a sense of humour failure.

Alice I hope you are feeling better after your rant. I'm just wondering whether your mum qualifies for any additional help? Does she have a social worker? If she is showing signs of dementia has she been checked out?

When my aunt-who was forgetful for years before she died-was finally diagnosed with dementia it was too late for her quality of life to be improved. The powers-that-be tried to fob me off with the idea that her problem was age, not dementia. It wasn't - she was lying around in her own faeces before anyone took me seriously. My cousin, who lived with her, did nothing. On another occasion I visited to find my aunt practically unconscious. My cousin hadn't even rung the doctor. She would have probably died of neglect if I hadn't been there!

You seem to have a lot on your plate. I hope you find a way through. Good luck.

I think it's totally normal to feel resentful, really you'd have to be lobotomised not to. Dad has NO idea how much impact he has on me, and my brother, who tragically he now says is not his son. He even offers to come and stay with me, to "help". Last time he was here my DH was cleaning faeces from all over the bathroom.
Of course resentment isn't a very attractive emotion to go around projecting. Maybe a trade off is to be protectively selfish once in a while. I systematically unplug the phone in the evenings, after Dad rang at midnight to say "when are you coming to visit?". I will go on holiday next spring no matter what and have already made a booking. I have made it clear that I will not become my brother's carer (a social worker actually asked me if I would, I couldn't believe it! How many men become carers to their mentally ill sisters????!!!). OK, rant over!

whataboutbob perhaps you have a point! My mother's generation were expected to-and did-look after their elderly at home. My mother and aunt looked after my gran pretty much to the day she died, at 90. She was working, too. She came across as bitter, but I think she liked to be seen as a martyr. She was certainly seen in the neighbourhood as some sort of saint. Maybe I'm following the pattern, albeit subconsciously.

I think the point you make about entitlement is telling too. Women are, as products of feminism, supposed to be able to have it all. But we are still seen by society as those who take the caring roles, regardless of any other responsibilities we may have at work, in society or for our own families.

The point that many on this thread are making is the idea that feeling resentful is somehow taboo. But why shouldn't we feel resentful? We are dealing with people who do not appreciate the work it takes to look after them, unpaid, and who take us for granted and show us no respect.

If we were treated like this at work, we would have no problem about voicing our grievances!

SBM no bloody wonder you resent all those things, it sounds awful. But don't put off your wedding. Put yourself first for a change. My sister always tells me we can't change the past but we definitely can change the future.

Biryani I wonder whether you still try with your cousin out of a sense of obligation towards your mother. It sounds like she tried, and you think- maybe at a subconscious level why should. I have it any easier than her? My brother has mental illness and my dad has AD. I. Have been in counselling for 18 months and one of the breakthroughs i had was realising I d been thinking I wasn t entitled to have a better life than my mum. She had to deal with my bro and Dad ( who has long been unreasonable even before he got dementia).

I sympathise too. I had a cousin and aunt with dementia who were struggling after my mother died of cancer. I tried to care for them whilst my dd was very little but failed miserably as they couldn't help themselves and I lived 20 miles away, not close enough to be on hand every day. My aunt died but I have tried to help my cousin, who is in very poor mental and physical health. He won't take my advice, but is demanding at the same time. Like the op, I have never been offered a cup of tea at his house. He refuses to pay for care and relies on the generosity and support of neighbours. He has a massive sense of entitlement and will not do small, doable chores for himself.

I really resent him! He's not even elderly, so this could go on for decades.

The way I feel about him makes me uncomfortable and guilty. I don't connect with him and he has never done anything for me ( or anyone else) so I suppose I wonder why I feel the need to carry on when others have guiltlessly ignored him.

It is so hard to look after parents at home. I applaud you Auriga. I tried and had to give up. I saw my Mum today and she is always criticising people that she doesn't even know. Can you take her to your sisters and then leave her there for a while to give you a break? It is sad.

I'm struggling with an inability to like my resident mother. I do feel concern for her: that her deafness is worse, she doesn't see anyone, she can't listen to music or the radio any more.

But when I try to chat to her, she so quickly settles in to criticise someone in really mean-spirited terms. Today it was my BIL, who has done fifty times more for her than her own son ever did.

She doesn't want to go to my sister's for Christmas, mainly because we're not going, so she wouldn't get a lift. This means we'll go eight months without a break from her. At the moment I can't imagine how I'll cope.

She's getting frailer but won't admit it, for example she won't use the second banister I've put in. She'll soon need a room downstairs .

I used to love and appreciate her and look forward to seeing her. This seems a sad way for all of us to live.

Me too. I hate going to see her but I feel bad if I don't go. I feel guilty just for being 40 years younger than her. She's not ungrateful but the more I help the more she dislikes it, because it's taking away from her independence.

Had this situation with my Dad 20 years ago, but then it was just sad, he didn't argue, complain or fight for his independence, he just gave in to his various medical problems and died at 79. My Mum will be 94 at Xmas - probably the most determined person I know.

When I was 14 my Mum started looking after my grandparents and she did it more or less full time for 20 years. This made me resent my grandmother who let her do it, and my Mum as well. My main motivation is to keep my family life together, I find this helps me by taking away some of the guilt for not looking after my Mum full time. I need to take time away from her for my DH and DCs (and for me - but I use them as the excuse.) I also have a job (part-time) and this keeps me sane - have to concentrate on something else.

I divide up my mind, and only think about what I'm doing at that particular moment, so I have work, home and Mum and I try to keep them as separate as possible.

I understand completely. I feel the same.

I have been away for a few days and so, today, I have to go visit mum.

I don't want to go. There is no pleasure left. I cannot connect with her. There is no conversation or discussion. She is pleased to see me (at the moment) but when I leave she is not aware I have been.

Mum fractured her hip in July. She had surgery but not a hip replacement as there was no point. She would not have done the physio, indeed, the fracture has caused her deterioration to increase rapidly.

It is a massive weight hanging over my head. I keep going but I hate it.

Hi OP.

I think "resentment" is an interesting emotion, yes? I am thinking this, because I am feeling it this morning myself. It is a strange and unsettling mixture of anger and sadness, perhaps?

Maybe sadness and anger that am not feeling the "love" and care that I wish I did feel, because of all the difficulties in our relationship ...

Wishing you strength and love, and hoping you find a different place.

x

thanks girls xx

I'm sorry to hear that you have needed to move to a different section SSD.
You did a good thing by starting this one though. Thanks.