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Original poster

Moving mum with dementia between care homes (70 miles away)

91 replies

Numberlock · 22/07/2013 11:11

My mum is 87 and has recently been diagnosed with dementia. She lives around 70 miles away from me now but as her current care home do not cater for dementia needs, it seemed a good time to bring her near to me.

I have found a great home 5 minutes from where I live. I plan to move her 2 weeks today. This will give 2 weeks for her settle in before I go on holiday for 7-10 days. (She has no other family.) The alternative would be to wait till September which is too long.

The question is how do I help to manage the move? Most days she is too confused to have a conversation about it. However, yesterday she had quite a 'clear' day when I broached it, saying that I would really like her to come and live near me so I could visit her every day and so could her 3 grandsons. She just said that she wouldn't know anyone. I will continue on the same vein but it very much depends on how she is on the day as to how much she will be aware of what's going on.

Has anyone else had experience of this and how did you manage it?

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pudcat · 22/09/2013 17:54

My thoughts are with you Numberlock.

Original poster
Numberlock · 22/09/2013 09:28

Many thanks all. I was in Bath at the time taking my son to university.

The home had got her up, dressed and in the lounge when she passed away. They were under instruction not to resuscitate.

So sadly we weren't with her but it doesn't feel as bad as if she'd died alone in her room.

I think she knew we were away for the day and decided to slip away then.

I have started a new thread in Bereavement.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1860067-My-mum-died

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WynkenBlynkenandNod · 22/09/2013 09:17

I am so very sorry Numberlock. Thinking of you xxx

Needmoresleep · 21/09/2013 20:44

I am sorry to hear this. Flowers Flowers

greenhill · 21/09/2013 16:29

Flowers for you numberlock

Were you able to be with your mum or were you taking your son to university today?

Original poster
Numberlock · 21/09/2013 16:08

My mum passed away today.

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Needmoresleep · 21/09/2013 08:43

You can only do what you can. And you are almost certainly right that your mother would want you to find a balance.

Health professionals might be able to suggest how long, however this might not be easy. I somehow survived the juggling act of my father dying, my children starting secondary and working full time for about 4 months and though exhausted by the end, am glad I managed not to let anyone down too badly. I look back at that period with the satisfaction that I was there for my dad and that I had some good final moments with him. In his case he had been expected to live a few more months but had a major stroke caused by his brain tumour. Oddly the last time I saw him he passed on several messages of the "please promise you will look after your mother" type. As if he knew, or had decided.

I hope the trips to Universities went well. It must be both exciting and quite sad. UCAS deadline for us.

Original poster
Numberlock · 20/09/2013 19:38

Thanks so much pudcat.

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pudcat · 20/09/2013 18:57

So sorry number but this is the position we are in. Mum's breast cancer has got worse. So we have said no resuscitation, no hospitalisation just palliative care. She had a good week or 2 but now she has been in bed again for over a week. The NH has said they will ring me if they think the end is near. But several times I have expected a call after visiting. But no Mum rallies again. So I don't know how long it lasts. You are not harsh. We have to take care of others in the family and ourselves.

Original poster
Numberlock · 20/09/2013 17:55

Many thanks.

Reading back my last post sounds quite harsh with the "distancing myself" comment. I hope it made sense, I know that my mum wouldn't want anything to stand in the way of this exciting time in their life so I'm trying to fit in as many visits to her with as much time as them if that makes sense.

Does anybody else have experience of this stage? How long did it last? Did you 'know' or get notice about when the end was about to arrive and were able to be with them?

I don't want her to die alone.

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greenhill · 20/09/2013 17:45

Sorry to see this numberlock. Wishing you strength x

Original poster
Numberlock · 20/09/2013 17:25

Back with an update after a couple of weeks, sadly my mum is now at end of life stage. I have agreed a plan with the GP and home, ie no resuscitation, no hospitalisation and just to keep her as comfortable as possible.

It's come at the same time as my two eldest sons are off to uni for the first time - taking one tomorrow and one next Saturday. So trying to distance myself a little from it all and enjoy my last time with them.

One of them came with me this afternoon to say goodbye to his grandma, I think she knew that he was there and who he was.

All very sad and just hoping very a peaceful passing now.

How are you things with you, pudct and downton?

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pudcat · 07/09/2013 12:33

The only change is that her mood seems to have stabilised a little so we have had some nice time together during my visits this week. She is no longer crying and we have had some nice evenings listening to music and looking at old photos. She has even been telling me stories about some of the people in the pictures which date back 50+ years.
Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Exactly the same as my Mum. You are not my sister are you?
When you are on this roller coaster and you never know which mum you are going to get that day it plays havoc with your emotions
I totally agree.
If your Mum gets aggressive again get them to check for UTI - this sends the elderly even more confused and aggressive like Mum was this Wednesday, but when I went yesterday after having had 6 doses so far of Anti-Bs she was much better.

Original poster
Numberlock · 07/09/2013 12:20

When you are on this roller coaster and you never know which mum you are going to get that day it plays havoc with your emotions

Completely agree and that's a very good way of describing it, it's the uncertainty that's so traumatic.

How has she stabilised?

I think she has just become resigned to the fact that this is her home, there's nothing she can do about it and this is where she is going to die. Every visit she asks if she's going to die today and every time I leave she says "Is this farewell?". I think she's preparing for the end.

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DowntonTrout · 07/09/2013 12:11

How has she stabilised? Is it medication?

I asked her GP to contact the mental health team but he says that while mum is in hospital it is up to them to do it. The hospital are reluctant to get them or SS involved. I know it's the path of least resistance they're taking.

DowntonTrout · 07/09/2013 12:08

I know what you mean about making it worse.

When mum was admitted to hospital I steeled myself for no interventions and her slipping away. When mum became agitated and aggressive it convinced me that the best thing was to sedate her and again, slip away. When she became calm and a bit more lucid I just didn't know what to think.

When you are on this roller coaster and you never know which mum you are going to get that day it plays havoc with your emotions. Mum can also talk about 50 years ago, but not 5 minutes ago. It's like she's reverting back to that time.

Original poster
Numberlock · 07/09/2013 12:00

Hi pudcat thanks for the message. The GP is involved and also the mental health team so at least everyone is working together.

My mum still won't eat and drinks very little so there's no much that can be done in that respect, other than to support her decision. She has lost a lot of weight. How long can you survive without food?

The only change is that her mood seems to have stabilised a little so we have had some nice time together during my visits this week. She is no longer crying and we have had some nice evenings listening to music and looking at old photos. She has even been telling me stories about some of the people in the pictures which date back 50+ years.

In some ways, this makes it all worse. Sad

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pudcat · 07/09/2013 07:36

Numberlock how are you? Has the home updated you. My Mum has another UTI. So that explains her agression and worsening confusion.

DowntonTrout · 06/09/2013 11:20

I have updated on my thread Pudcat.

pudcat · 05/09/2013 19:14

How did you get on today Downton

DowntonTrout · 04/09/2013 19:26

It's funny how you say about praying to your Dad.

DD 11 has told me that she prays to my dad ( her grandad) every night. A couple of times this week she has been weepy and saying that she misses him. I think that is because she is seeing my mum like this and it is bringing everything back about when my dad died.

She has never known mum without the dementia and has not had much of a relationship with her. And yet, when mum was most nasty and agitated last week DD was the only one of us mum trusted. She kept saying "you're nice, I know you're genuine" to her. I wonder if it is too much for DD though, I have had no choice but to take her with me to the hospital but I will be glad when she's back at school next week so she doesn't have to come.

pudcat · 04/09/2013 18:54

Thanks number I have my sister who goes when she can but her husband is much older than her. He is 75 and is showing signs of dementia after a long illness. I have a hubby and 2 sons but none of them like to visit as they want to remember her as she was. And as Mum doesn't believe I am married it doesn't matter too much. What about you?

Original poster
Numberlock · 04/09/2013 16:55

Had a good weep before I started off home and prayed to Dad to come and get her

Thinking about you, pudcat. Do you have some good real life support - friends/family?

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pudcat · 04/09/2013 16:43

Don't think it matters about whose thread - we all have the same problems. Mum was really bad today. She was in bed because she was very aggressive with everyone. She was paranoid saying everyone was watching her and she couldn't trust anyone. She accused the manageress of kicking her and was horrible to her. The food is poisoned so she is refusing to eat and drink again. They are checking for a UTI and they were giving some morphine as I left. Had a good weep before I started off home and prayed to Dad to come and get her. Hope you both have better news.

DowntonTrout · 03/09/2013 21:52

I am meeting on Thursday.

I have asked for patches twice.

They said today that if she remains calm like she is at the moment that mum may be able to be discharged back to her residential home. I said "I don't think so. Where she was allowed to get into this state in the first place?" pah! I will be telling the doctor, and the dementia matron about how I found the call bell unplugged twice and how mum was left all day lying in bed with the door shut.

I will also remind them how dehydrated mum was when she was admitted, how she had a UTI that the GP could SMELL when he walked in the room and how it had not been flagged up that mum had not eaten since being discharged from hospital 3 weeks earlier. That I then had to INSIST on the GP being called out that day, instead of waiting "to see how she is tomorrow" and that the GP called for an ambulance there and then.

Bloody hell! Sorry! This isn't even my thread! Just had to get that off my chest.