Support for those with a parent suffering from dementia. Pull up a chair and talk to those who understand

Possibly CMOT ! Brother rang SW this morning, she is still investigating, so not clear cut I guess as suspected.

Needmoresleep.

Lillymaid I think the situation is similar to my Miother's - it all hinges on whether they are deemed to have capacity. Under the Capacity Act people are allowed to make decisions that others consider unwise, as long as they meet the criteria laid out by the act.

For example my Mother might be deemed not to have capacity if she fails to be able to adequately assess the risks to her if she goes home. So if she tells the SW she doesn't need care at home because she did her own legs and had to remind the carers to bring her meds when that absolutely wasn't the case then she wouldn't have capacity. But if she says she knows she needs help but doesn't want it and understands she will become very ill without it, then she has capacity and SS won't be able to do anything.

Capacity often fluctuates as well just to add another complication. Your relative could probably do with keeping a written record so she has that to refer to.

Further news on the toxic mother. She was taken to a care home for some respite care after her latest fall. Within 4 hours she had managed to call a taxi and leave for home! Daughter is now seeing if social services can do anything before mother has another fall.

I am sure we will remind you...

I am sure we will remind you...

Thanks Bob. I was just discussing it with Dad and we agreed it would be sensible to keep the phone unplugged a fair bit if she comes home. Most people use my mobile number except our parents. Dad said he would start using it if that happened and FIL can always ring one of the others.

We'll have to see what SW says. Brother getting twitchy and emailed to see if I'd heard earlier. On the phone he said he can't go through the three months he's just had dealing with her again and acknowledges it was much worse for me.

I feel right now there will be no end to this stress. However much I try to remove myself, nothing changes the fact that if at home she is just round the corner . If she goes home again definitely time to remind everyone (including myself) that I am under GP orders not to be involved in her care.

Think it is going to take a bit if time for SW to decide as think she'll refer up to her manager just to be sure.

Oh dear awful typos. This iPad is on it's last legs.

Just a quick one WBN I don t know if I s helpful to you to know, but. I always unplug the phone when. I go to bed and when I really need to rest. I don t rally feel guilty as I think I do plenty for dad and need some time to recuperate. Also I think dad gets into a "loop" ringing and ringing, which isn t that helpful for him. When I unplug I hank it just re directs I'm towards another activity.

Lilymaid your friend can ring Social Sevices and say she wants a third party phone call and under no circumstances is the phonecall to be disclosed to her Mother. With our SS there is a specific box on the system that the SW has to tick to denote this apparently.

SW has gone in today to do a further capacity assessment. She said we had to stop lying to her which is a fair point. I made it clear that Brother is Health and Welfare side so his area, I am joint on finances and trying to sort out her finances as savings now depleted.

If she has capacity (the CH said they think she might) then she goes home again as nothing SS can do. When I relayed this to Brother there was a very very long silence down the phone. He says he doesn't feel comfortable sending another live in carer as the working conditions are poor and Mum locks them in plus there's hardly any space.

So what happens next is dependent on whether she is deemed to have capacity and there is a chance she might by the sound of it. I imagine if she has capacity and comes home it will be with SS Carers. The rest of us will have to not facilitate in any way and wait for it to go wrong again. She is definitely sharper than last week having had a few days back on the Galantamine.

If she has to stay there will be an almighty explosion and I need to ensure not directed my way. However there has been enough playing me snd my Brother off against each other so i don't want to say it was his decision to pull the carers. We'll say it is SS decision and both stick to that. If she has to stay the CH will need to apply to do an emergency DOLs. I need a plan to manage phone calls if she comes home as she rings and rings if I don't answer and it's not bearable.

I agree with CMOT. If the mother wont be reasonable she will have to bear the consequences of her own actions, or inactions.

She might try a last ditch approach saying she had heard that someone (neighbour, relative etc, no need to mention names) was considering reporting her to SS as unsafe.

Stark choice, either she grant POA to daughter or she will have all decisions made by SS.

My understanding is that the court/guardian process takes about a year. If SS decision to put her in a care home and she owns her own home, SS would get the money back from selling the property.

Your friend should talk it all through with the local SS. This can be done anonymously. I faced very much the same situation, though luckily the crisis which persuaded my mum to sign the POA was in the form of a broken hip not, say, a stroke. The priest, who she trusted, helped and was witness to her signature. Once done I had a few months of my mother railing about my interfering, but now seems to have accepted it.

CMOT the mother is legendary - she won't have anything to do with the rest of her family and used to get her husband to take her to a supermarket in a different town as she might accidentally meet her relatives in the supermarket in her own town. Her daughter is the only person that she will interact with - her daughter's husband has had to sit in the car outside when they have gone to visit (2 hour drive each way) as she often didn't let him in the house! This was all before she was ill/demented. I don't hold out much hope!

CMOT thanks for your reply. It was what I thought. She's been trying to get her mother to agree to a POA for years but mother has refused to consider one ... so this means that outside agencies will be involved and the costs will be higher and the decisions might not be taken by the daughter.

Can I tap your collective wisdom?
The mother of a relative has refused to allow her daughter to have a power of attorney for her and has had falls at home twice in a week and had to be rescued by paramedics. There are no other children, the mother has fallen out with all other relatives and her husband is deceased.
The daughter has arranged for her to stay in a residential home temporarily, but is concerned that her (very toxic) mother will try to leave and/or refuse to pay the costs. It seems likely that she will have to go into a care home permanently as there have been other incidents recently - what happens about paying for care and how does the Court of Protection get involved? The mother owns her own home and this would have to be sold eventually to pay for care.
The daughter lives about 2 hours away from her mother and would want to move her to a residential/nursing home near to where she lives - but how can she do this given that she doesn't have power of attorney and her mother would refuse? We suspect that the mother has dementia but she refuses to have any tests.

Best laid plans and all that.. Problem with meds, I get call and have to go charging around. Lots to sort and Mon-Wed next week busy with Mum related stuff but after that I am on strike till next year. Dad coming tomorrow which is good though lots of running around for presents today.

Good idea, keep a bit of a back seat. I take it your brother's POA has not gone through with the OPG?

CMOT that must be very difficult right now. Could the District Nurses help with suggestions as I guess they must see this a bit and might have a few tricks up their sleeve?

Sorry to hear about your Dad Bob. It must be very difficult juggling it all round annual leave. The anger is hard to deal with, there's been a lot of that with my Mother and I suspect a lot more to come. Good that your Brother is having some better days.

I'm trying to sort finances as her savings have run out. SW has sent info re the 12 week disregard plus putting charge on her house till sold. Problem is she wants it go with me to see Mum to do the financial assessment which given tha Mum thinks she's coming out won't go down well. I've emailed to ask what she suggests.

Brother is going to tell her it's permanent but not yet. I'm busy the next few days so keeping my distance for now, I want her to settle a bit.

Hello all. WBN fingers crossed it will work out this time. I hope the SWs back you up, based on the fact that carers could not cope and the home set uip was not safe.
CMOT sorry to hear about your mum, and the awful stress your dad must be under. Is your dad still willing to move, and to agree to your mum going into a care home?
As for my dad, he seems to be getting more confused by the day. I realised with horror. I only have 1.5 days' annual leave after Christmas, until April. I was planning on looking at residential homes in February. Dad is still quite active, goes into town every day, takes himself to cafés, off to church, goes shopping ( all inn a most eccentric, mishap ridden way). But can t remember basic. Stuff and gets flummoxed, then angry when anything unexpected happens. Bro seems a little better, I think he is taking his meds, he s going out and we even managing a few things he never could before. Like bureaucracy. I m scared to get my hopes up because with mental illness relapse is inevitable, but it was good to see him better.

Mum is back in CH. DH and I took her this morning. This time it is permanent though she doesn't know it.

That is good news about your Aunt CMOT but I'm sorry about your Mum . That must be upsetting for you and your Dad.

Giraffe, hope your first clinical hours went well.

SW and CH went to see Mum this weekend. Saturday morning she rang my phone 4 times but I didn't answer and cleaner plus carer sorted it. She likes this carer and apparently is much calmer now. Her short term memory has hugely deteriorated and my Brother says she isn't the same woman she was 2 months ago .

Hopefully he's set it up so he can get her back in if carer walks out. I think he would like her to be hone over Christmas and I think if she can be maybe it would be better. She will kick off when she needs to go back so we all know it is the calm before the storm and I'm trying to keep a healthy distance.

DH had an email to say his 87 year old Dad who lives alone in Spain and has Parkinson's, diabetes, hard of hearing has been diagnosed with Glaucoma and got 12-24 months of vision left. We need to try and get to the bottom of how accurate that is so need a bit of calm with my Mother. DH is very stressed and looks awful.

How's everyone else doing ?

Hello, popping in briefly to say hope you all doing ok. In a mad rush tonight and tomorrow. Start my first clinical hours as a play therapist tomorrow - 100 to do until I graduate this year.

Will be on over weekend to catch up. Take care all in this horrid weather