Support for those with a parent suffering from dementia. Pull up a chair and talk to those who understand

Sorry, that's work with someone. I am thinking about this more and I feel thatbi am consistently being bullied by him. He's currently claiming it's all above board and it is only using so someone's card that is a legal issue and if not I wouldn't be able to transfer money out of her account.

Says he will run it past his solicitor but he will not say any different. That where we chose to spend the money is our business now we have POA not the Banks.

He's completely missed that transfers can be made so utilities etc can be paid and that complete accounts have to be kept. I have absolutely and utterly had enough now. He has fought me every step of the way for 3 years now. He can deal with Mum, she is the only person he has in his life. I have DH, DC's, my Dad and his partner plus my Aunt and cousins.

Apologies for rant.

Oh CMOT I am so sorry

He can't set up Internet banking as he hasn't been to a Barclays, said he couldn't - though I found an Investment branch over there for him he said he didn't realise.

I am considering resigning as Attorney, have started thread to see if I can. I am unable to work with so done in that capacity who threatens to show my emails meant as a joke which he knew to the SW and say I am not capable of a rational decision. Also when email sent advising what friend who is experienced Mental Health worker said about her now being a risk to herself and needing assessment under Mental Capacity/Health Act (she was then found to not have capacity) he accused me of nuts.

My blood pressure is rising and I want out before I have a stroke so I am going to try to extricate myself.

It is absolutely essential that her accounts are kept separate from those of the Attorney's. Otherwise he is essentially opening himself up to criminal charges. You should reread the rules and refuse to be party. If she were to die soon both probate lawyers and tax authorities might request proper accounts from the Attorneys.

The solution might be for him to set up the internet banking and make appropriate transfers to the care agency. Keeping all revenue and cast transactions to a single account will make record keeping simpler.

Oh now his solution is for me to pay the money into his account each month. Not happy with that.

Oh dear, your poor Mum CMOT. I hope she improves very soon.

Moved Mum's sofa and other bits today. She hates it in there . CH left message to say she had a good night, was staying well, had been up to socialise with other people. We couldn't find her when we got there.

Does anyone know about POA and bank accounts? We are jointly and severally for Mum apart from the house which we both have to sign for. When I got my POA debit card I was told it was only for things I arranged ie. not things he did, that he had to get one and that neither of us must use Mum's.

As Live in Carer is what he has arranged I can't pay it from my card can I, he has to ? That's my understanding, I am correct aren't I ?

Just spoken to Brother. He's spoken to SW and apparently she's coming home next week as she agrees Home Carers are the right way to go. I'm am now having nothing to do with it.

Scarelet you and your Mum have been very much in my thoughts. Bizzey I am so sorry to hear about your FIL.

Eventful day yesterday, Mum now in CH flat. GP says she has an infection, most likely urinary. That makes sense as despite managing to nearly convince the SW she has a system for remembering to drink, she doesn't and I feel totally vindicated in saying she is becoming a danger to herself.

She also didn't press her button again, waited till 8am then rang for help. DH answered like last time but knew to press the matter and she admitted she felt well. All would be ok as Psychiatrist said she doesn't have capacity but my brother is pretty set on live in Carers and set to kick off. He'll have to get her a taxi though as I'm not picking her up. Poor thing threw up in the car and felt too unwell to speak to my Brother. Busy day moving stuff today.

Scarlet...remember support comes in different forms....I am still at the beginning of my journey.....though it feels like a life time sometimes...

My "advice" is usually rubbish !!...and involves silly stories and things I would not be able to say in real life...

But you are supportive to us by being here...it would be a poor thread if no one joined in.

We are supporting each other...because we know we are not alone and can say what we want and not be judged ...

Take care x

Thanks to all for your kind words, it means a lot. Sorry I haven't been able to be supportive to others here, as I would normally be, It's just a bit overwheming at the moment. Problem is, there's no 'happy ending' to any of this, the only 'ending' is death. Sadly...Love, light and strength to you all x

Bizzey. Thats awful. What with you, Watrrlego and Scarlett it just seems more bad news piling on those who are already facing enough.

And don't worry about the thoughts. Its what you do that counts. And everyone appears to be shouldering their burdens with grace and selflessness.

Best wishes to your FIL and family.

Scarlet, thinking of you. This is the hardest of times, try and remember things have to, will get better.

Hello all again ...got a little obsessivly sidetracked by the tennis...but have sort of caught up now .

Goodness ...so many posts...but Scarlet (hello) my heart is going out to you and really hope you get some proper help soon.

I need to say something that has been troubling me and now I feel bad for those thoughts and only on here will it be understood.

I had got to the stage that I was so sick and tired of looking after dad and sorting mum out that I kept thinking "why can't he be like other people we know of his age"

I don't want to have to do this.....and all the other feelings...why cant he be like FIL....

Eg...FIL ...same age,drives,no health issues,go out ok ...helps dc's with homework if they visit during 1/2 term holidays sort of thing ......

FIL had a massive stroke yesterday..and prognosis is not good

The future is just too hard to write sometimes

Best wishes to you all

Of course no one got back to me!Got a call from the care home last night and they said her breathing was more shallow and it looked like she was nearing the end. Went and sat with her and held her hand and just sobbed. It will be a blessed relief in a way when she goes as I lost my mum 4 years ago after her severe stroke. Told my dad but he didn't really comprehend it and just kept asking what time is it, what's for dinner, whats on tv etc...

Oh Scarlet, what a nightmare I hope someone got back to you and things are kicking into motion. I'd try a double pronged attack and ring your GP. Phases you want are your Dad is a vulnerable adult and you are withdrawing your care due to the situation with your Mum and imminent Carer Breakdown. Explain that when you simply had a bath it resulted in a neighbour bringing him back, you feel he is a risk to himself, can not be left but you are going to be by your Mother's side today so someone needs to look after him . Are your sisters on their way ?

Smiling I'm sorry the wheels are turning so slowly. It sounds like you have a strong relationship though and are managing to put a degree of separation between yourselves and the situation. I think that massively important, though easier said than done.

CMOT it sounds like it's coming at you from both ways at the moment.Glad your Dad's catheter is back in and am hoping your Mum starts eating again. I don't think the weather helps.

Big day for us here. DS off on school residential for the grand total of one night. Last week I felt his suitcase might defeat me but it's sorted ,0. dH taking him as I am walking dog then going to Mum's to meet SW for assessment. She will then speak to my Brother tomorrow and he has agreed to go with what she says. She's aware of the history of not accepting live in care so unlikely I feel to say that is best option.

I suspect arrangements will then be resumed for her to go into the flat unless SW comes up with something else. Brother said Mum becoming increasingly muddled and isn't sleeping as scared of what's ahead. He hasn't been ringing her daily either as he said he would . The big problem will be getting her out of her house. Stealth has now been sanctioned by SW if it coes to it but would rather not. Had dog walk with physio friend who was very helpful but realistic. I was saying I was relieved we'll get her out without being sectioned and she pointed out very gently we're not out of the woods with that yet.

Hello! I've found you! Will read through the whole thread tomorrow, as I'm really tired tonight! Sending my support to everyone here, it is hell, isn't it.

Thanks all, called social services helpline tonight, waiting for someone to get back to me...

As an aside, found someone on another thread who's coping with a parent with dementia, told get about this thread but don't know how to let her know the link. Any ideas..?

Another thought. Is thete the money tp pay for a week or two of a carer. You need the break and need te to spend with your mum. Plus it would give ypu a bit of time to investigate and sort out a longer term solution.

Your local council website should have a SS enquiry line number. There will also be some form of emergency cover but I suspect it wont be for public access. If you really need help tonight you could phone whatever 24 hour GP cover exists in your area. They should know.

Alternatively collar one of your mums doctors or nurses and say you really need respite care and SS involvement for your dad. Especially during this very sad period when you want to be there for your mum. There will be a SS person in the hospital, if your mum is in hospital, so you could try to have a word with them.

Failing that if you want ideas tonight of what you might do to get things rolling fast I might try the Samaritans. They will be used to all sorts of crises and again have a good contact book.

You might also try posting on the Alzheimers Assn website.

Yours and other stories are so sad. In particular I hope Post Bellum is feeling better. The surprise is more that people have managed to keep going.

Is there a social services helpline? I just need a break from him for a few days...

So.... life just gets better. Just been told today that my mum, who has been in a care home for the last 4 years, after having suffering a stroke which left her paralysed, unable to speak or swallow food, is probably about to die. She has an infection which she is probably too frail to survive. She could die tonight or if she doesn't look like she will survive they will withdraw her medication. I asked them if they withdraw her medication how long will it take her to die. They say it could take 5 days.I rang her sisters to tell them she may not have much longer to live.

I went to the care home to see her and give them the name of the funeral directors we have chosen. She looks so pale and still and frail.

I told my dad but all he waS Interested in was, his usual questions, what time is it? what day is it? whar's on tv? what's for supper?

It's like dealing with an autistic child. I really need a break from this. I think I will kill him soon otherwise...