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Elderly parents
Original poster

Emigrating and Dmil can't come for 2 years

111 replies

Mosman · 01/05/2012 20:08

And doesn't want to leave her pension, she'd loose 25% of it if she leaves the UK.
She's not in the best of health at the moment and on that basis alone would struggle to gain entry, but that aside its a long trip, she wants to travel in comfort which she/we could not afford but I think she wants us to pay for business class for her whilst we travel cattle class due to her arthritis.
We are definitely going but I'm quite cross with her that her bloody pension is coming before being with her family but if we left her behind what would happen to her if she deteriates is there any provision for those with no immediate family? What are people's experiences with social services etc please ?

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MadameChinLegs · 03/05/2012 12:44

'I'm quite cross that her bloody pension is coming before her family'

Well, she is probably miffed that you and your DHs dream is coming before her happiness (which it shoudl to you but not to her).

Whilst it may look like an amazing offer to you, it may not to her.

Jux · 03/05/2012 12:36

She will be cared for by SS. If necessary she will have people going into her house to help, if she's really bad it'll be everyday and it could 3 or 4 times a day.

If she goes into a home then the first £8K will be paid for by her - from savings or from the sale of her house if she owns it. If she doesn't have the money then she won't pay.

She will be looked after, one way or another. That is the alternative. Many elderly people ar elooked after like this, whether they have family or not. She is not the only one, and the state is geared up to sort it.

When you are in Oz, if you feel she needs help then you can alert SS (so take the number with you) and that will be the most you can do, short of coming back to the UK.

AgentProvocateur · 03/05/2012 10:39

Arrange for carers to go in three times a day, or as often as she needs it (or as infrequently as they can get away with). They could work for the council but more commonly the council contracts it out. Most carers are caring, but they will be on minimum pay , working difficult hours and will have impossible timing to keep to, so your MIL will likely get a microwave meal put on front of her. They will take her income and savings into account, and when her savings drop below a certain amount, the state picks up the tab

If she needs to go into a care home, she may have to sell her house to finance this.

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 10:09

I'm assuming this would be from a private care agency type of thing ?

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Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 10:08

Well that's my point I know SS will do something but what exactly ?
And when you say pay for this, out of her pension or savings ?
My concern is that her savings will run out at some stage obviously, it costs her £2k a year in service charges for her apartment for example.

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AgentProvocateur · 03/05/2012 10:02

Ok, to answer your question. Of course there is provision for people without family help. If she deteriorated to the extent where she was no longer able to care for herself , social services would arrange someone to go in and feed her and wash her. She would probably need to pay for this. Or she could arrange her own care.

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 09:56

I've asked in the OP what the alternative is and nobody seems keen to answer that far easier to paint me as the wicked witch when actually I am doing more for this lady than anyone else who actually knows her feels she deserves.

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BenedictsCumberbitch · 03/05/2012 09:54

I don't understand why you'd want to share a home with her if she's that bad?

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 09:54

She left DH alone with his grandfather whilst she ran off with another man when he was 5 years old.
She's not a cuddly old grandma.

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Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 09:53

It just seems the lesser of two evils, she is going to be a nightmare whether she is with us or not if she does get ill mentally or physically, she's not the suffer in silence type and much as DH pretends he doesn't care, he does.

But it'll fall to me to look after or sort her out.

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AgentProvocateur · 03/05/2012 09:51

You sound like you really hate her. Sad

Jux · 03/05/2012 09:47

changed her mind when she found .....

Jux · 03/05/2012 09:47

I admire your sense of duty, but the woman is a grown up and has made a decision.

I would not be surprised if she changed her mind when you found that you were not going to cave in, and went without her - business class or not.

Original poster
Mosman · 02/05/2012 22:04

No, you're right she's not.

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madwomanintheattic · 02/05/2012 21:19

Bon voyage.

RabidAnchovy · 02/05/2012 21:12

If she is really so unpleasant that no one likes her, leave her behind and let her get on with it. She is not your problem.

Original poster
Mosman · 02/05/2012 21:10

Oh and from what I can gather if DH coughs up the other 25% and pays for business class she'd be out there like a rat up a drain pipe so we can't be that bad to live with.

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Original poster
Mosman · 02/05/2012 21:08

We are emigrating with or without her, so yes I've thought it through.

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Original poster
Mosman · 02/05/2012 21:08

PMSL of course it would be far better if my sons wife thought fuck it the old dear who has managed to so upset her own flesh and blood to the point that they haven't spoken to her in 15 years and the only Christmas card she gets is the one that I write, I'll leave her to stew in her own juices.
The woman is entitled to an opinion but equally she has to realise the implications of her decision which was actually what I was trying to find out before talking to her about her options.
All very well expressing an opinion but if it leaves you all alone in the world it might be something she'll live to regret.

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madwomanintheattic · 02/05/2012 20:58

And being elderly does not remove your right to an opinion.

Especially on something so crucial as which country you fecking live in.

And whether your finances will hold up.

I desperately hope that your son's wife is not so rude and intolerant and disrespectful when she wants to move you out of your chosen country in 45 years time.

madwomanintheattic · 02/05/2012 20:57

I have to say I can see the mil's point.

There ain't no way I'd be coming to live with you, whether I was 75, 105, or 38 and a freaking millionaire.

You sound extremely selfish.

Is the only reason you want her to live with you because you don't want to her to moan on the phone at some in definable point in the future if she needs you?

It doesn't sound like a great reason to me. No wonder she is trying to get out of it.

You don't even know if she can emigrate, at her age and health. What on earth are you thinking?

Can I suggest you actually find out some cold hard facts about how much her health insurance is going to cost, and whether the country will actually have her, before you even get to the point of whether she actually wants to go?

Have you actually thought this emigration lark through properly?

is it oz? Everyone is assuming so?

ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor · 02/05/2012 20:30

My grandmother travels a long way every year to spend the winter months elsewhere - only across the Atlantic, not the Pacific though. She's 96.

She goes upper class on Virgin and I think it's really sensible of her. No way could she manage the journey in coach.

Original poster
Mosman · 02/05/2012 19:57

Because I don't know what would become of her if we left her behind.

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Hebiegebies · 02/05/2012 19:50

Given all you say about her on here, why are you planning on having her live with you? It sounds as if it would be a disaster before you eve pn got off the plane.

My grandparents continued to fly to OZ every other year for 3 months a a time well into their 90's, but travelled business class once they reached 80

Original poster
Mosman · 02/05/2012 19:47

She's not said that she doesn't want to go, more that she wants all her own way.

I'm venting on here so I'm sweetness and light when I call the sweetie later Grin

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