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Elderly parents
Original poster

Emigrating and Dmil can't come for 2 years

111 replies

Mosman · 01/05/2012 20:08

And doesn't want to leave her pension, she'd loose 25% of it if she leaves the UK.
She's not in the best of health at the moment and on that basis alone would struggle to gain entry, but that aside its a long trip, she wants to travel in comfort which she/we could not afford but I think she wants us to pay for business class for her whilst we travel cattle class due to her arthritis.
We are definitely going but I'm quite cross with her that her bloody pension is coming before being with her family but if we left her behind what would happen to her if she deteriates is there any provision for those with no immediate family? What are people's experiences with social services etc please ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 04/05/2012 07:27

She may be an old witch but she's our old witch. I just want anything bad to happen to her, I also don't want to be answering the phone to her in the middle of the night whining.

OP posts:
BenedictsCumberbitch · 04/05/2012 06:43

If there is nothing nice to say then surely you should be happy that the old witch isn't going to come with you no? If she means nothing to you then why does it matter that she wants to stay here?

madwomanintheattic · 03/05/2012 19:38

When are you flying?

DontmindifIdo · 03/05/2012 19:36

Well, you aren't responsible for her, it's ok to go build your lives the way you want, she has made her choices before and is now living with the consequences, this is just another choice.

Don't sacrifice your dreams for someone who won't thank you for it. Make it clear you can't afford to pay for her to fly business class, so if that's what she wants she'll have to pay for it. Perhaps if you leave she might make more of an effort with her other DCs, or build some friendship networks. She's not too old to do it, she might be too stubbon

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 19:18

There's nothing nice to say. I haven't managed to see off 2 husbands, 4 children and get to 75 without a friend in the world.

OP posts:
BenedictsCumberbitch · 03/05/2012 19:16

I think if I was your MIL I'd rather stay on my own in my own home rather than move anywhere to live with you OP. You haven't said one nice thing about her yet.

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 19:08

I completely understand the land of snakes and spiders is not for everyone and yes I'm dreading the flights myself.
I think what she would like is me to say oh well then of you can't come on your terms then we'll forget all about it.
Or yes how awful of us not to pay £4,000 for your flight DH and I will swim over and put the savings towards topping up your percieved loses

OP posts:
maxtrue · 03/05/2012 19:01

Just wanted to let you know about a friend who migrated to oz a few years ago - her dh was an ozzie she english and they had 2dc's. The mum was in her 70's and also on a teachers pension and I know they looked into her going over permanently also but I think there were a couple of issues 1) think pension was frozen 2) had something to do with paying for medical bills once she moved there - memory is shite sorry
In the end the old dear just did not want to go there for ever so she does the journey at least once a year for a couple of mths but I remember what struck me the most was she just did not want to leave UK - just wondering if thats why your mil is being difficult but wont come out and say it?? Its really hard but like most are saying its her choice.
I have the opposite my mum is in oz and I am here - she has said she wont come back again (came 2 yrs ago) as athritis etc is just too much for her and its a bloody awful journey!!! Even for us Wink young uns...

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 18:38

I am NOT trying to force her to do anything more than realise the implications of staying on her own that's all.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 03/05/2012 18:38

Premimum economy - not as pricy as business class, leg room etc of business class. If it's just her health and not general grandure that she's worried about, that'll be the option.

She's an adult, she isn't your responsibility. Her behaviour when younger suggests she doesn't value family. You reap what you sow, if she's here and you're there, she can't have family look after her if she needs it in the future. If she needs care and there are no family around, social services will take over. She might end up in a care home earlier than she would if you were close by, once her savings have been used up, the state will pay. It's not ideal, but it's her choice, you shouldn't bully her to go with you so you won't feel guilty if she ends up in a home with noone visiting her.

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 18:37

*So she is expecting to go to and fro every year, business class, but can't afford it herself. And for your dh to stump up 250 quid a month while she's there - 6 m per year.

Or you apply for her to come and join you permanently in 2 years' time?*

That's exactly it.

She could come out once on our visa as part of the family but no that doesn't suit her.
So she would rather have DH pay for business class every six months.
If she comes out permanently her condition is that DH a) pays for business class whilst DH and I sit with our many children in normal class and b) he tops her pension to the tune of £250 a month, whilst she lives rent free, bill free in our home. And believe me she can fcuking eat.

OP posts:
madwomanintheattic · 03/05/2012 18:32

I think it is rather more the op that wants her to travel back and forth for the next two years in cattle.

I don't think the mil wants to go anywhere. She might apply in two years time and see if she gets a visa and then travel once permanently, but at 75, however much you think your expectations are reasonable, what you are actually telling her she has to do is live with you for six months, then come back and fend for herself for six months, then the same again for another year, and then you'll apply to find out if she can come permanently at all.

Yup. Sorry, op. you are completely off the mark here. Your expectations that a 75 yo should uproot and do what you want for the next two years with no guarantee for the future are well off the mark. She'll be fending for herself for the portions she is in the uk anyway, so what's all the angst about selfishness? And how you are doing it all in her best interests?

Leave her where she is, on her own. You lot settle. In two years you'll either be ecstatic or doing the ping pong thing, and you can apply for her visa then and see where you go. Trying to force her now is plain daft. Let the woman make up her own mind.

Jux · 03/05/2012 18:27

x post.

Totally different scenario then.

So she is expecting to go to and fro every year, business class, but can't afford it herself. And for your dh to stump up 250 quid a month while she's there - 6 m per year.

Or you apply for her to come and join you permanently in 2 years' time?

What exactly is she shilly-shallying about? I am unclear now.

madwomanintheattic · 03/05/2012 18:26

So actually then, you won't even know of she is eligible to emigrate for another two years.

If in two and a half years she is told no visa, are you all coming back to blighty?

Bit of an ask to get her to shift her entire life around on your say so for two years, on the off chance that she'll be allowed over permanently at that point, isn't it?

Jux · 03/05/2012 18:23

Yes you're right, mercibucket, about both - or you could be sponsored by someone resident there already.

Mosman, has she got a visa for Oz? Was she somehow supposed to be going as an integral part of your family so that she was on your visa? How was that working? It may be that if she hasn't got any sort of visa for her that your entire question is moot, anyway. I assumed that all that was sorted .....

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 18:20

No and this is where the 2 year part comes in. DH and I have VISA's we can then apply for her to have one after 2 years, but even then it'll depend on various things including her health at the time.
Or she could come out for 6 months of every year, keep her apartment and her blooming pension but then of course she'll have to go back and forth in cattle class which does not meet with her expectations.

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mercibucket · 03/05/2012 18:04

Will oz let her emigrate and pay for her healthcare? I thought the reciprocal thing was only for holidays and you needed a stack of cash for a permanent visa?

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 16:52

I guess my thoughts were it's one thing relying on SS when you have family around to fight your corner, quite a different matter if you're vunerable and alone, but her choice I guess. I've told her all this and she's "thinking about it"
But of course if DH pays the difference and £250 pocket money then all is well Hmm
It's worse than having another child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 16:50

They have reciprocal agreements nemno

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nemno · 03/05/2012 16:43

She would be relying on SS in the UK, who would be responsible for her in Oz (a place she has never paid tax or health insurance)?

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 16:36

Sorry iphone predictive text, an apartment that she has to pay a stupidly high maintenance fee for, her savings won't go far and she'll be up the creek, then what ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 16:34

She's in that position now in a £30k house that be be sold and provide her with what 30 weeks of care ?
If she stays she'll be relying on stranger which i simply cannot get my head around why that would be ok in her mind, but what can you do ?

OP posts:
nemno · 03/05/2012 16:29

I'd be worried if I was going as far as Oz and would be totally dependent on just one family member. What happens to her if something happens to you? Or if you fall out? If the worst happens she will be ok in the UK and up shit creek elsewhere. Giving up her pension (or having it frozen) and her house is a very big deal I reckon.

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2012 16:15

Her house is worth bugger all, so if the money runs out they will continue to pick up the tab ? That's my main concern is that she isn't left destitute.

Interesting that it was only 70-75 rockdoctor I don't think she'll be capable of making the journey more than once personally.

OP posts:
rockdoctor · 03/05/2012 12:50

I'm sorry for your predicament but unfortunately it's one of the big issues you have to face when emigrating that far... a lot of us have been there in one way or another.

Yes, her state pension would be frozen. I'm not sure of the implications for the teachers pension.

FWIW we lived in Australia for 20 years and had increasingly elderly parents come and visit us regularly in that time. When they found that they couldn't do the trip any more (at around 70 - 75 years old), we came back to the UK. Although there were other factors, it was possibly the worst decision we ever made - as we will never make up what we lost in career/house/pension.

No advice really, but you may be asking a lot of her if she is very settled here. Perhaps you have to focus on making sure she is well looked after here and that you keep the communications open eg. is she computer literate? can she use e-mail/skype?