I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

Kbear - is there any possibilty of talking things through with your mil about the carers ?
Just thinking that if she saw it as a compromise /lesser evil than her husband going into care she might be more inclined to tolerate it ?
And if there were specific things she could identify that she didn't like - timing of visits ,which could be tweaked ( as you've already done ) she might be more able to accept it .
Rather than feeling that it's just being imposed on her by the doctor .
It might make her feel a little more in control of her life ( I note she is even more keen than most of us regarding this ) .

Just my ramblings ,hope you're coping .
It's very hard I know .

hi readsalotgirl, how are you doin?

Sadly think ssd is right. If MIL is resistant to carers this will become really really difficult - and it clearly is that already. I managed for, a few months, to support my mum in sheltered accommodation but I was astonished at how hard it was and she was quite accepting of the carers etc - (after initial resistance). In all honesty when I moved her I should have moved her into residential care - I didn't partly because I thought I might manage to reignite at least some of her old spark but I think that was me trying to get back the person she once was. I am in awe of you Kbear and you're doing a a fantastic job but you will wear yourself out - and don't forget you have a family and relationships of your own to take care of also. Good luck and big hugs

it is hard but its inevitable they'll go into residential care

and you might be surprised, it will probably be the best thing for them both

I also think getting her to hear it from a doctor might be better than hearing it from you, you're too close

good luck

Sorry to hear your update, keep strong and don't take the blame

It is a minefield isn't it. Of course your MIL is entitled to forget things - I'm banking on it - I just wondering how long I can blame pregnancy brain for my forgetfulness before I can start blaming my age - DS2 is 8 now. I might be stretching the limits of that one now.

On the other hand, giving your FIL alcohol isn't really about being forgetful. I hate to say this but my dad did on occasion pass the dementia tests (depends on his mood and how cooperative he is being) and he does have dementia. He has been brain scanned and most of the time it is very obvious by the way he behaves but the tests aren't great at picking it up. My mother has sat in on them and wonders how the useful they are for people are the beginnings of the disease.

I know you say she is likes to be in control but she is potentially doing her DH harm by giving him alcohol. Would she have gone that far to prove a point 10 years ago or even 5? Not saying she has detectable dementia yet but she might well be on the way and with the average time between becoming ill and getting a diagnosis of dementia being 5 years it might be worth bearing in mind although I am know you have no choice but to bear it all in mind.

Water is marvellous stuff though isn't. You wouldn't believe it makes such a difference - my father has been in a state of collapse and complete confusion and it turns out he has a bladder infection and is dehydrated. A while on a drip and lots of water and he is OK again a couple of days later. I would never have believed it could be something so simple.

Glad things are quiet. I hope you have a peaceful Easter and a chance to relax a tiny bit.

KBear - your MIL may well not be telling the truth about when the carers are visiting .

But there might be some truth in it .

IME , from years of helping to care for someone who had a huge care package ( in SE London ) ,some individual carers would routinely attend at a time different from the one they'd entered in the book .

And routinely fed the client loads of talk about how busy they were ,how they had to come at that time because the agency had given them another client at the same time ( also an element of truth ) .

The elderly person was always really ,really anxious about any complaints to agency .

The person I helped care for also hated having carers in ,and I didn't blame her for a second . It's not nice . Some of the carers were nice but many were poorly trained ,exploited by their employers and frankly not helpful .

We accepted it because ,for this person it was a better ,albeit not perfect ,alternative to going into residential care .

But we had years of managing the situation ,talking to the agencies and social services .
And years of interceeding between the carers and what they convinced the elderly person was how things should be done and the elderly person who would never go against them .

Thanks for the update, you seem to be handling MiL very well.

I feel for you. My MIL has Alzheimers and is cared for by FIL 250 miles from us. It has taken us TWO YEARS to get him to accept some help - a carer in teh morning and evening for half an hour. He too thinks he can do it all alone. What he needs is far more than this but neither of them will accept it. I can see there being a massive crisis forcing them to accept help.

Part of the reason your PIL have started drinking during the day is because dementia reduces inhibitions. Where once they might have been sensible and recognised that drinking during the day was not a good idea they now don't worry about 'sensible' and what is appropriate behaviour and just do what they want. It is probably the reason your MIL is phoning in the middle of the night. She is no longer aware or at least doesn't care that this is not the way you do things.

Hope you are OK Kbear and things are on an even keel this week.

Hi there i do know how you feel as have gone through that worry myself with my own mum. The only advice I can give is pull on as much help outside as possible be it friends, support groups and charity organisations - if it is dementia then there are organisations like them that can give you some advice.

KBear, I don't know if this applies in your PIL's case but many elderly men and women with dementia often have vivid memories of the past (like their childhood/teens/twenties/thirties) and can't quite work out where they are in the present, and have difficulty recalling recent memories and events. Am just wondering if the reason for the alcohol was that she used to organise parties or celebrations and is confused, thinking that she's still doing them? I don't think she is aware that she's bringing enough alcohol home to fuel a big dinner party, but whatever the (very intriguing) reason, I don't think she's even aware that she's harming her husband's health. She might well think that they are in their twenties and on holiday or something.

As RabidEchidna says, I think in the medium to longer term you and your DH may need to start considering the possibility of them living in supervised accommodation - ie a residential home that is set up to look after elderly patients with confusion problems. (The next step up from living in one's own home is often warden controlled accommodation but with issues of confusion or dementia, they would not be eligible). As time passes, issues like him getting confused about his wife, the problems with the alcohol (comic as they seem now - although I'm sure they were anything but at the time) will increase and get more frequent, or take on a more worrying aspect with regards to their safety. I don't know when that time will come for your PILs, but if they continue to live to a ripe old age, it will come eventually.

you have a lot on your plate

good luck

drink is my mums biggest enemy

I had a really bad time with her last yr over it, she was hospialized due to it and this was one of the many final straws for me, I told her her drinking was killing me, the stress was overwhelming and all I got was "you worry too much" from mum and siblings............eventually I got her to stop, I told her of she kept on drinking I wouldnt see her anymore and I truly meant it, I had had enough.

so she stopped

then last week at the shops in her wheelchair she asked for the usual sweets and soup, but then said she wanted sherry. I said no and didnt get it for her. I phoned her heathcare suppliers and told them she was asking for alcohol again and not to buy it for her.

its really sad when your mother becomes your child, then you need to stop her drinking and killing herself and you need to tell others about this problem, its embarrassing, like you're telling tales on your 84 yr old mother

I've had enough of it all, but theres no choice, you have to keep going

Huge hugs Kbear.

I wish I was like my brother and didn't care. Instead, I'm trying to work out just why the hospital ring someone with a severe language deficit based dementia with important health information . Apparently theres no system in place to tell them that someone can't understand what they are told.

But at least my oldies don't drink ! Though the PIL are another story entirely and usually one of them has a fall on holiday due to their gin based diet

Hi Kbear. Latest developments must have been tough. Fancy giving him vodka! You're fighting so many battles aren't you?
G'dad also threatened again to cancel the carers this week. This week he fell asleep around lunchtime, with the fire on full and hottest day of week, the carer arrived at 7 and found him practically unconscious. She woke him and he felt awful, sick, confused. She made him a drink, got some toast down him and he came round. Mum reminded him about this when he said he was going to ring them. He'd probably be in hospital... or not.... if the carers hadn't been there.
My mum rang the carers, who offered to ring g'dad to discuss things. Maybe that might be an option for you? Would MIL find that useful?
Hope this week is better .

Hi Kbear. Just come across this thread and I can't imagine what you are going through. My father had dementia and he is 82 and frail. Thankfully, for me anyway, I am saved from your situation by the fact my mother is 10 yrs younger and pretty fit really.

I just wanted to say that my mum has had to get rid of all the booze in the house because my dad can't just have one glass of wine he has to have the whole bottle which with Alzheimers meds and being unsteady of your feet is not great. He kicked up a stink about not being allowed it any more but seems to have forgotten about it now. You might have to get rid of all the booze for them if they can't see that it is a bad idea - tell them they have already drunk it if they can't find it and then 'forget' it when you go shopping. Not that you don't already have enough on your plate.

My father was in hospital and lost the plot for a while too, well on both occasions they have admitted him. The hospital blames dehydration and the medication too. He thought he was on holiday and wanted my mother to get his clothes so he could go home as he didn't like the hotel much.

At least your FIL wasn't mobile enough to do what my dad did and go round and tickle all the feet of the other patients in the ward. Apparently it was funny and they had no sense of humour. Difficult to laugh when you are in your dying hours though, as some of them were.

He also got kicked out of a day centre scheme for being to argumentative. However, it might be worth seeing if your PIL could make use of something like that. It would get them out of the house for a bit. Do you think they would agree to go if they thought it was some sort of club?

I greatly admire the way you have stuck with it. My mother stopped visiting my father in hospital because they couldn't cope with his moods and his shouting and kept reporting everything back to her, like she could do something. She can't -he is like it at home. Seems to be too much truth in the reports that hospitals don't know how to handle Alzheimers/dementia patients.

Hope you are OK this weekend.

I think you really need to start looking at them no longer being in their own home any more