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Elderly parents
Original poster

I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

332 replies

Kbear · 14/03/2012 21:25

I can't even begin to explain but I am going to blow a gasket. I care for my elderly in laws. It's a minefield, and a nightmare, and stressful and how does life come to this.

I just got off the phone to MIL, she is rambling, she doesn't listen, I try to help, she talks over me, she's had a lovely afternoon while I was panicking at work because I phoned and she was calling out for FIL and saying oh god oh god, what shall I do? then the phone went dead. So I rang BIL, my DH was at work, I was at work, all miles away. SIL drove over there and there they were all happy as larry drinking tea and the phone's on the side off the hook. Tonight she doesn't even remember SIL going over there.

She forgot to give FIL his meds for four months. I just found out last week. Arranged all their meds again, she can't remember to give them. They're in a box marked for the days of the week, she gives Monday morning and Thursday morning instead of Monday morning and Monday evening.

Today they thought they'd go to the pub for lunch - FIL doesn't know his own name or where he lives, he can hardly walk but off they trundle down the garden to waiting cab, he falls over, almost takes her with him.

How in hell can I look after them? I have two jobs, two kids, one DH!

There's so much more, I am too exhausted to explain, DH is on nights so I;m not calling him to talk and stress him out even more.

I want to cry. No response necessary. Just getting it out there.

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neversaydie · 01/05/2012 23:20

Good news that FIL went in for respite care reasonably happily. My Dad spent time in 3 different nursing homes last summer, and we were agreeably surprised at just how very good 2 of the three were, and even in the less good third home the carers were lovely, and looked after his physical needs very well.

I think the description of MIL's stroke just tells you which part of the brain has been damaged - which I guess may also allow the doctors to predict what the effects are likely to be. (Or, given our experience with Dad, at least explain it all retroactively!).

I am sorry that they are both so poorly, though. It is so hard to watch people that you love decline in this way, and not being able to do anything to make it better.

Original poster
Kbear · 01/05/2012 22:06

After much ado, FIL has gone into a respite home for two weeks - it's very close to where I live and he was happy to go in the end.

MIL has had a front lobe stroke - whatever that means - and she is still confused and living in 1975.

DH taking FIL up there tomorrow.

and my boiler blew up tonight too

so crap day, over and out

ooh ooh, carer support called me tonight but I was out - do you think they felt my vibes?

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Original poster
Kbear · 01/05/2012 21:58

I typed a bit of an update yesterday but it's not here and you know if I don't write it down I forget what happened!

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readsalotgirl · 01/05/2012 10:12

Hi not sure how POA works in England as am in Scotland but would strongly suggest everyone with elderly parents/relatives looks into getting POA in place. It has to be done while the individual is still "competent" and can nominate who they wish to act for them. In Scotland it is regulated by the "Office of the Public Guardian " which has a very useful/helpful website.

IME it is much easier to deal with officialdom if you have POA. I was told that without POA as next of kin you would only have a right to be informed not a right to be consulted with regard to decisions affecting care and wellbeing.

Lemonylemon · 30/04/2012 10:57

Kbear, Shattereddreams. I'm in Bexley borough too... So am familiar with the "non" help we get from them......

shattereddreams · 30/04/2012 10:36

Perfect gingerroots
Thank you so much

gingeroots · 30/04/2012 09:46

Link to Radio 4 Money Box programme about POA - has transcript of programme ,might answer some of your questions .
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/moneybox/9004904.stm

Wish me luck as I plunge back into my own personal maelstrom that is caring for my mother .
Amongst other things we ( that's the Royal "we" ) are introducing the dosset box today ...

Sad for you and yours Kbear ,one day at a time .

Original poster
Kbear · 29/04/2012 22:17

Well if you ever need contact numbers of anyone in Bexley social services or carers services or district nurses - I'm your girl! I am on first name terms with most of them now!

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shattereddreams · 29/04/2012 21:32

Yep, we're neighbours. Same borough.
Pecker up!
You're a nice kind person!

Original poster
Kbear · 29/04/2012 21:12

I was wondering about Power of Attorney today - I have access to family lawyers through work so I think I will put in call to them tomorrow for advice.

I think my MIL is too far gone but FIL would prob give consent to a power of attorney. Not sure of the rules.

I know thousands in a similar position as me. I was not prepared for the heartache this would involve - they're not even my parents - but seeing my DH so distressed, my kids, well, it makes no odds. They are family, if not by blood.

I live in Bexley borough

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shattereddreams · 29/04/2012 21:00

Started reading with interest and couldn't stop
I think I will be you Kbear in a few years. You even live near me.
You also have the BIL (SIL - do they exist or are they not worth breath)!?
But I only have mil. FIL passed 3 years ago

You're doing an amazing job. Agree with whoever said about parenting
manuals but where are the dealing with your parents manuals.

Does anyone know about power of attorney, I had heard its better to do whilst parent is still mentally capable.
Has there been a thread on this someone could link to?
Or a website. I was recently told it costs about £1000 which we don't have!
What sort of lawyer should we use?
How is power of attorney useful when dealing with medical side of things like Kbear experienced? I know mil pin and web log on so in theory can access money stuff already.
Sorry, slight hijack but hopefully might take your mind off a bit Kbear that you're not alone ( and I'm only a few miles away I reckon!)

Original poster
Kbear · 29/04/2012 19:56

Just back from hosp- MIL agitated and confused, talking about her kids like they are babies not ranging from age 45-59. She thinks she's on holiday. She thinks they are trying to poison her. She is going to kill herself as soon as she gets the pills, she said, or is going to look for a high cliff to jump off.

The nurses were nice, staff nurse particularly so and took the time to come and talk to me about her condition.

DH spending the night at his dad's tonight - tomorrow I hope he will agree to going into the respite home. We have agreed that telling MIL will be a bad idea (his idea not to tell her).

I've told him one week at a time is all we can do at the moment. He is very lucid and apart from seeing people in his flat who aren't there, his mental health is better than ever. He can hold a conversation, have a laugh with us and make decisions about things, and is actually living in the present. MIL is the opposite of all that.

I have a headache and I'm having an early night before work tomorrow - when I will bury myself in the dramas of other people's families!

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gingeroots · 29/04/2012 15:04

Good news about FIL's reaction - well done for supporting him .

Sounds tough about MIL though ,makes you wonder how long she's been ill and what's been going on with her .

Health issues so complex in elderly and I do think they're neglected by a stretched medical profession who don't have resources to really unpick it all .

Hope you get a little time for yourself .

Hebiegebies · 29/04/2012 14:58

Great news about FiL all the best for your visit, pray you see the real her at some point

Original poster
Kbear · 29/04/2012 14:18

I called the care home this morning and asked if it would be possible for a visit - took FIL round there and he liked it ... so I am 95% sure he will agree to go tomorrow.... on condition we don't tell MIL. I'm happy to go with that.

She is not with us mentally anyway so what she doesn't know won't hurt her. I'm going to the hospital again today with her sister - not sure what we will find, yesterday apparently she was ranting. I have my thick skin on today so wish me luck!!

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Original poster
Kbear · 28/04/2012 21:09

Thanks - one day at a time!

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CMOTDibbler · 28/04/2012 21:03

Oh, thats promising KBear. Fingers crossed

Original poster
Kbear · 28/04/2012 20:46

Just been round to see him for ten minutes. The carer is there over night but couldn't work the microwave! He is seriously considering the respite home (which is very near to where I live thankfully) and I have promised him that if he really hates it he doesn't have to stay there but he has to give it a week.

BIL no.2 has just said that he will move in with his dad if he hates it and wants to come home. Not sure if that will work - he has a wife to consider too - but at least finally me and DH feel supported by the other BILs. (well, two out of three aint bad!!).

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Original poster
Kbear · 28/04/2012 20:44

Apparently he doesn't have Parkinsons - MIL got that wrong (something else she got wrong).

He is on meds for heart condition and something called Simvastatin which is for cholesterol.

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Molecule · 28/04/2012 19:58

Kbear you are doing a wonderful job in heartbreaking circumstances.

I help care for a lady with Parkinson's, and often the drugs they have to take are responsible for many side effects, including dementia and hallucinations. It may well be worth speaking to your FIL's consultant regarding altering some doses; I've found quite a small change (say reducing the Stalevo dose from 150mg to 125mg) can have a remarkable effect. Obviously every case is different, but with your MIL no longer withholding his meds he may now be getting far more than he's used to.

FayeGovan · 28/04/2012 19:30

and mine.

its beyond hearbreaking

twentyten · 28/04/2012 18:37

My heart is with you.

Original poster
Kbear · 28/04/2012 17:13

Went to talk to him yesterday - he cried and said he doesn't want to go.

I called the social worker, she went round and I met her there - not to bully him into but but to make sure he was aware of what his options were fully etc.

He still refused.

I went to see MIL yesterday - she is not with us mentally. She got better as the visit went on but for an hour she talked without taking a breath about my DH when he was a little boy, but she talked as if it was now. I asked her if she knew my name and said yes of course, and then said it was my son's name.

BIL taking FIL to see MIL now. This won't end well.

DH talked to FIL again today and FIL said he was scared to stay at home at night on his own (which he will be after the enhanced care ends tomorrow night at 8). He said he is scared of the kids in the masks and the sailors that called MIL a whore and the people that sit on his settee at night. We have gently told him that his mind is playing tricks and the people aren't real. Sometimes he is with us, sometimes he is not. Vascular Dementia is his diagnosis.

So now, he is teetering on the brink of going to the home for two weeks' respite while we find out what happens to MIL. He will have to decide Monday morning when the social worker comes back.

DH is off to another 12 hour night shift having had very little sleep for days. My head is pounding and I'm tearful and heartbroken for the old folks.

Who knew it would end like this? We've been waiting for him to have the big heart attack that carried him off for over 20 years and now dementia has got him. He's had 8 heart attacks so far. I don't wish him dead of course, but I wish he didn't have to feel scared and alone.

What would I do with out rambling on here? I can't seem to order my thoughts until I write it down.

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CMOTDibbler · 27/04/2012 11:59

Hurrah ! I think concentrating on the 'just while mil is in hospital, you know how she worries, few days away' tack is best.

Have you read 'Contented dementia' ? Its got a good chapter on selling care to someone with dementia and how to deal with it

I hope you don't have too much of a struggle to get him there. And be kind to yourself - its easy to say things about no homes until the reality is there.

Original poster
Kbear · 27/04/2012 11:11

They've got him a respite place for two weeks !!!!!! starting Monday

I now have the unenviable task of now selling it to him as a holiday camp and he'll enjoy it and it's only temporary until MIL comes home.

(Dare I say it... he is better (mentally) without her there....).

I am emotional again, I said I'd never let him go a home, and now he's going (if he agrees of course).

Thanks for being here listening to me ramble ....

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