I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

Hello KBear, came to your thread quite late but basically I think the A&E doctor has said all I was going to say. (If they hadn't been in hospital, I would have suggested an urgent GP appointment - or if they can't give you an urgent appointment to take them to hospital, who often have rapid access services for the elderly for this sort of thing.) Yes, your MIL herself does have symptoms of dementia or a physical disease masquerading as dementia, eg thyroid disease, etc. But if she is being admitted they will check all that, more than a 10 question screening questionnaire will achieve (of course, those tests can be misleading too - dementia patients can get everything right, and normal people can get a low score!)
If any consolation, a friend had this same problem - her confused mum kept saying she was fine. They used to visit her and find all her uneaten meals in the fridge - even ones they had prepared and put out on a plate for her. The only solution for them was to have her move in with them. It has helped her a lot, but to this day, she still insists she is fine, not senile, doesn't want to be "taken over", but asks you the same question ten minutes after you've just answered it and had a long discussion about it,.....then asks you again. (It hasn't helped my friend that much, although the family chip in to help, this month she is considering trying to get a carer in).
This is draining, yes. And yes, it can often make you want to scream. The irritable mood followed by the sweet mood is part of the process - I am afraid it will continue, you just have to be prepared for it to happen, and not take it personally (as hard as that is). And time to lock up her money and debit cards. You may want to discuss with your DH about the power of attorney stuff.

Would they consider gettign deliveries of frozen meals? My 80-year0old Dad has just started getting Wiltshire Farm Food meal deliveries (after many years of "I'm fine eating Morrison's crap" and he is a convert!

Good luck. Hope the a&e doc manage to sort something out.

Your mum might feel better when she has had a few good nights of good sleep.

My dad was like a new person after mum was sectioned (it had to get that bad), and he did not have to keep himself awake to ensure she did not burn the house down during her nightly cooking efforts, etc. Amazing what some sleep can do.

But if she has dementia, dont be surprised if she wakes you up at 3 am in panic that her husband is missing.

good luck again kbear

one thought that might give you hope, your in laws are part of the generation that listen to doctors, if you can get this doctor on your side and talking to her about getting admitted she may listen to him, when she ignores/is rude to you

I talked to my mum about moving for years and was ignored, till one visit from her dr who had a 2 minute conversation with her and then she was all for moving

seriously, this is your chance

I really hope things progress quickly, well done for not giving up on them and the whole lack-of-social-care situation.

KBear I'm sure your mil does say all that .
You get to a point where you have to disagree and point out the 3am phone calls ,her age ,incidents she's forgotten things .
She'll bite your head off ,but it's a process .
Sorry ,I sound harsh and as tho it's simple .
I don't mean to ,your situation sounds grim and complex .

Sounds like your A&E doctor could be the start of something - fingers crossed for you.
My Nan had a fall recently and the hospital were quite thorough and made sure her home was assessed and she was properly recovered before they allowed her home.

Absolutely - hope he's admitted so that you can try for an assesment .

It is a minefield and of course it would be better if they co operated regarding accepting help ...but sometimes it does come down to be very forceful .

Sure you don't need telling any of this and I'm also sure it's a 100 times more complicated than it sounds on here .

it is a minefield, kbear, you're spot on

took me literally years to get my mum sorted, almost lost the will to live myself and I;m not being flippant

my situation wasn't helped by mum and siblings who rarely visited telling me I "worry too much"

good luck xx

PS once he's in hospital he becomes their responsibility so now might be your chance to get something like a care package rushed through, have a word with his consultant when he gets one, get him to write to your local ss, above all get him assessed in hospital and dont let them fob you off with "he can live independantly at home"

cry if you have to, in front of the officials, I did

trouble is, as we know, if elderly person says they are fine then they are taken at their word by the social services, gp, hospital, anyone else

if they turn carers away we can do nothing

its ridiculous and infuriating in equal measure

Same here Quintessential about not letting my mother deal with Gps ,nurses ,etc .
She misunderstands ,gets hold of wrong end of stick ,invents things ,doesn't mention others ,is rude and uncooperative .
Though no help to OP - not as if she can clone herself and be in 4 places at once .
You could try leaving notes for nurse ,asking mil to ask them to phone you when they visit pil ?/? But probably wouldn't work .
I wonder if mil did actually refuse a blood test or just not keen ,denied knowledge ?
Good luck Kbear .

Kbear, jesus what a situation, am sorry

I remember you from your holiday to Florida years ago!

anyway all I can say is keep pestering the social services at the council, also ask if they have an older peoples team

contact ageuk, see if they can help

bombard the gp, if you can

I know how hard it is when you're at work trying to deal with this all, you sound at the end of your tether, hugs to you, I've been there

impossible to get help when the oldies tell everyone they are "fine" and the assessor gets out of there as quick as they can

good luck, all you can do is keep trying to get them help that they can accept,

in fact its impossible all round, whilst not losing the plot yourself

just use this thread to vent away, you need to get it off your chest

I found it was impossible to do let my mum handle health care professionals on her own. I needed to be there to talk her around and persuade her.

Not what you want to hear though. Sorry.

How did it become this bad without anybody doing anything about it before? Dementia usually develops quite slowly and over time.

Thing is with the nurse if MIL refused there is very little nurse can do without the risk of being charged with assault, and you only have MIL version of events...

I'm looking into getting power of attourney for my Mum - have you any authority where your PIL are concerned?

Have a good vent on here, it might not solve the problem, but it might save your colleagues ears.
It really doesn't sound as if your FIL is well enough to be looked after in the home without some extra support, your MIL will crack from the strain if this continues.

So sorry KBear - I'm like that with putting it into words ,keep writing long emails to sil and then thinking ,I can't send that .

Nurse was a bit of a major fail then wasn't she ?
Surely she arrives with instructions from GP ?
She has to have instructions/formal request to take bloods ,not rely on client to remind her ?
Phone District Nursing Team /email them ....request another visit ,explain situation ,thinly veiled hints of complaining ?

What can I say - is there a MN emoticon for scream ?

Huge sympathies Kbear. Just about to try and get hold of my parents GP myself