I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

KBear - so sorry ,horrible for you .

My mum went through a phase like that - shouting and swearing in hospital ,accusing them of filming her and begging me to take her home .

She was dehydrated and her pottasium and sodium levels were completely wrong .

I'm only saying this to underline the fact that it's the illness making her like this .
But I know you know this .
Be prepared for crap hospital care at the weekend ,things will improve on Monday .

KBear. Much sympathy; it sounds very hard.

Someone down thread said similar but I think you need to be really hard with hospital when it comes to them being discharged. Do not have them home unless the care is in place and also have you asked for a carers assessment for yourselves? You have a legal right to an assessment of your own needs.

Sounds like a horrible visit, she is clearly very unwell. Try to remember you are being kind and loving and she just can't understand that anymore. I really hope that everyone pulls their fingers out and sorts out decent care for them.

Kbear - hope you stay strong and have a nice treat for yourself tonight, whether it's a movie or a nice long soak in the bath with scented candles.

You are probably aware of this but I will just reiterate that her reactions on the ward have no bearing on the good you have done - better that she says she hates but you have kept her safe, than for you to have left them alone and have something awful happen to them both. I think it is safe to say that they are both still alive today (like the Highlander analogy!) because you've played a major part in ensuring their wellbeing. Your conscience is clear, you've done the right thing.

It is true that sometimes the main carer gets the venom while visitors get hugs. It's because she knows you will always be there for her, so she lets her guard down (and sometimes the self control) in front of you, because she trusts you. She may say she doesn't, but of course she does, otherwise she won't be ringing you. Dubious honour, my mum used to say, when caring for elderly relatives. But it's true. She has to be nice to other family members and visitors that she doesn't see often because to her they are a novelty - they don't see her as often - and seeing them is a social call. FWIW, I think the nurses and doctors will be very sympathetic towards you, they've seen it all before (and worse).

That said, I hope you make the most of the time they are in hospital to recharge your batteries and rest your mind. I hope your DH is supporting you a lot at this time. Wishing you a lovely day on Sunday - maybe don't go to the hospital that day, just let you DH go on his own perhaps, or maybe they will have other visitors.

Kbear, so sorry - have a big .

And so true about the main carer/contact getting all the abuse. It's so hard when they're not in their right minds. My grandfather got very abusive at one stage of alzheimers and we just had to remember him before when he was the sweetest kindest person you could meet

Oh Kbear, I have no experience or advice to share but I do really feel for you and your DH. Lets hope the hospital help with a care package now.

Kbear I have no advice but I just want to say how lovely and caring you sound, and what an amazing job you're doing in what must be a very stressful situation. Take care to look after yourself too or everything will collapse.

It all sounds exhausting. I expect you are emotionally near the end of your tether.
At least they are in the right place and hopefully a care package can be put in for them.
It's good you don't take it all personally. I think when people have a spiteful/grumpy side to them when they are younger, they don't turn into cuddly oldies when they get older unfortunately. Often, their inhibitions come down and they do show that horrible side of themselves more.
Hang on in there.

Have a great big hug. You know its absolutely its the right place for both of them, and in a terrible way, you want her to be as bad as possible in hospital so that she is accurately assessed. And its not her talking and saying awful things, its whatever is happening in her brain. It sounds like she is really disorientated atm

I'd def ask to speak to the Dr responsible for your dad and make sure they are totally aware of the state of play. Ask that you be informed of any care changes, and register your concerns about their home situation.
My parents will sit and say complete untruths to the Dr - like mums last admission 'do you ever leak wee ?' 'oh no' - later Dad says to me 'of course shes had to wear a pad night and day for 5 years', and he's supposed to be the sane one !
I felt her emergency admission was really a turning point in getting them on a better track - though am still waiting for her appointment with the cognitive impairment service to turn up

Kbear I was just about to say that, harsh as it sounds, you could try telling the staff at the hospital that he cannot go home unless they sort out some care: they have a legal duty (I think) to make sure that there is care in place if needed. I had to do this with my Dad, and I felt awful, but it needed to be done.

Hospital may have a team who will arrange interim care for when he is discharged; he was entitled to 6 weeks (?) free interim care, suring which time SS visited at home to arrange ongoing care (which he would have needed to pay for). They are supposed to take into account the needs of the wider family and not just assume that they will look after the elderly people

If they don't have it already, you should consider applying for them bothe to claim attendance allowance, and maybe someone in the family needs to get a power of attorney

I would not recommend moving them in with you. Not if you have young children.

When talking to them, dont focus on the inconvenience to you, but health and safety of them and others.

The thing that health and safety professionals DONT want, is vulnerable elderly wandering out and about at night, causing possible accidents. And incorrect medication, and to a degree malnutrition.

They are not able to look after themselves.
They have no concept of time.
Night and day have little meaning.
You worry that they will forget food on the cooker and cause a fire.

You worry that medication is incorrect, either because they think they have taken it already, dont understand they need it, or dont remember they have taken it and take it again, so they either under or over medicate.

You worry that fils hallucinations are going to cause harm, and that he start wondering off outside, possibly causing or having an accident in the night.

etc.

Good luck

kbear - power of attorney is vital. Without that you can't even begin to sort the other problems out.

I speak from long and bitter experience.

You need to get in touch with AGE uk (Used to be AGE concern and Help the aged I think). They will help you through all the legal stuff.

My mother had dementia, I am caring for my inlaws who are very similar to yours. It is obvious that your MIL has dementia, so you need to have the legal right to manage her affairs. It will be easier for your DH to get this I think. Once you have that you can deal with the bank cards, bank details etc and monitor their bank accounts online.

that article is so depressing, what they're saying is that even if your elderly relatives get homecare sometimes its so bad you still need to check upon them everyday to backup the care, makes you wonder what the point

my mum had lovely ladies coming in to her, bar one

the council have recently changed it al land now she has no idea who is turning up

but its better than nothing, I know that

stress the bad points today Kbear,, make it something they can't ignore or get away with one visit a day and stress that your MIL thinks everything is fine, also tell them what its doing to you and your family

hugs again, its an awful time, but I think you might get somewhere with the hospitals help if you can summon the energy to fight for it