I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

General wards have absolutely no idea how to deal with people with dementia, or any other old people who don't just sit still and do what they are told. She sounds as if she needs to be on the psych ward for a while; have they had the mental health team to come and assess her?

So sorry, they might have to move your mil to a facility more suitable to this type of behaviour. Bear in min that they are a hospital, not a secure facility for a certain type of mental health. Dementia comes under mental health, and when my mum got really bad, I had to take her for sectioning at the local psychiatric hospital. There they have restraints and facilities for calming such patients. As she is in a normal hospital they are not even observing her mental state, and not started considering medication for that. Only her bladder, but whereas, if she was in an Geriatric mental health dept, they could treat her bladder infection too.

I think you need to go into the hospital to discuss these options. It is not in his or her interest right now that they are to be kept together. Not until they both improve.

Stay strong Kbear, you're doing all the right things. I can identify with you because we are going through nightmares with my mum at the moment, who has dementia. She has three daughters, and we all knock ourselves out trying to help her, and two sons who do bugger all, apart from wringing their hands now and again and going "oh isn't it awful?", but don't lift a finger. Ma insults and demoralises the three of us, and is paranoid that we are only trying to get Power of Attorney so we can nick all her money etc.
I sometimes think it would be easier if she'd always been lovely and the illness made her like this, but she hasn't; she's always been bad tempered, verbally (and physically when we were kids) abusive and generally nasty. At the moment we are working on getting her into sheltered housing and hopefully a home care package in place.
Don't worry unduly about the home care report. I've been a social worker and a recruitment manager for home care at various times, and it's not fair to paint all the home care agencies with the same brush. Most home carers do a brilliant job and should be paid much more than they are now. But it sounds like your FIL and MIL are now way beyond the point where they can live safely at home, even with a massive care package in place.

I'll be following this thread and thinking of you. Good luck.

Kbear just come acrosd your thread, and although I have bo experience of this I wanted to offer my sympathies for what you are going through. You are an incredibly strong person to be dealing with all of this.

My Aunt has been in a similar situation with her parents for a few years and it is very hard on her. She has had to fight for help for them. Hopefully things will improve now they are in hospital.

kbear that's truly dreadful care by hospital ,just totally not acceptable .

Sadly ,IME and as I said earlier ,things at hospital will be cr*p over the weekend ,and this often also applies at night .

If you have the energy ( which I doubt ) I would try and find out what the staffing structure is and complain to the most senior person that you can .
One of my very bossy and totally unhelpful sil's did this during one of my mothers incarcinations and it resulted in a tour of the ward by - forget job title - someone very senior and conversations with relatives and patients .

Of course when I say complain I mean express understanding of the demands on them but ....

And failing that keep a diary and complain afterwards . I was once a hesitant complainer but I have found that it really makes a difference and improves care ,it has never resulted in a deteriotation of situation .

I am so sorry you are going through this ,god knows what today will bring .

Kbear, many many hugs to you, you sure need them

you are doing brilliantly

go for your walk and take deep breaths, wish you were here and I'd walk with you

can you speak to her consultant, make it clear they have to know how to deal with her, your getting a phone call in the middle of the night isn't helping anyone, you have kids and can't just drop everything all the time

this is a total mess but honestly you've done the best thing by them, the hospital need to deal with this now

its awful, but you and your dh will get through this, hopefully you will get some answers next week

earlier on in the thread I said let the social workers know what this is doing to you and your family, they will take into account the pressure you are under, but you must stress this to them

I've had my mum sent home from hospital with no backup care in place, to an empty house and its all been left to me. You must get tough with them before they are disacharged, once they are discharged the hospital washes its hands of them and its the communities problem, they all like to pass the buck I find

Kbear, I couldn't read and not post.
Ihave no experience of this, sorry, but I hope you get some respite and they get some decent care.
You have my every sympathy.

Kbear
this is a lot for you to take on
Can't bils help out more
Or sil's?

So sorry for what you are going through kbear, also your MIL and FIL, it's 100% clear that it cannot go on as before. Urine infections can really knock older people for six, hopefully this is the case for your MIL, although I wouldn't rule out something underlying.

I worked on a medical ward looking after many many patients with dementia/ uti's and honestly the things I have heard would make your hair curl, try not to take your Mil's ranting personally, she is obviously not very lucid .

Good luck that you will get things sorted.

Kbear - you sound so strong, you must be the most enormous comfort to your DH and the rest of the family. Try and take comfort from the fact that the people your PILs used to be, would be grateful for all you are doing.

I went through all this with my grandparents, grandma in particular, and it is awful.
During one episode she though I was my mum, and that DH was some fancy man I had taken up with, and she ranted at me in the middle of an open ward. She, thankfully, had no recollection.

Hang in there.

Bladder infections make old people really really strange, like dementia, so that could be a big factor. When my mum was in hospital with an undignosed UTI, she tried to call a cab to take her to see my Dad in the middle of the night. I am glad that things seem to be being dealt with,I was so grateful that you posted on my thread about my parents, as they are in a similar condition, although not quite as extreme yet. I hope that now some support will be put in place. I think its likely that they will say your FIL needs to be in a nursing home, as that is the upshot with my Dad he also has Parks/lewy body dementia and sounds more lucid than your poor FIL. With your MIL it may be that she improves no end once the infection is dealt with. I hope so. You sound such a caring and lovely DIL, they are very lucky.

Oh boy.

It is good that you are a tower of strength. Please do not take her venom personally. In a while, a few weeks or so, she will be more settled and calm.

To be honest, you should consider insisting that they are not let back to their home, but to look into a nursing home for them. Are there any decent ones in your vicinity?

Dementia is more noticeable when people are in unfamiliar environments - scary for family to see this. I guess your mil has been checked for a wee infection? The Alzheimer society website has fab info.

Oh God Kbear... I just read the bit about how she has her PIN numbers in her purse... my mum has written hers in black ink on the OUTSIDE of her pale pink purse... AND she says them out loud whilst pressing the buttons . She then drops the card into her very baggy, open trouser pocket.

No, they won't do anything over the weekend because the social services and other departments are closed at weekends. And from the sounds of MIL and FIL's symptoms, earliest would be next Monday I reckon (unless they've found a medical magic wand that hasn't been invented yet) - ie 26 March, if even that. In a way, it might be a good thing that your MIL is acting up a lot in there -could be doing you a favour! -
if she was too calm, pleasant and normally behaved, she'd have to be discharged sooner, but I am guessing they will now have to run a battery of blood tests and other tests to check that there isn't some underlying condition that might be causing her to behave histrionically.

Kbear have nothing useful to add just ((hug)) and , as i read on here the other week , cant remember which mner said it - her reality is not yours. Its not that she hates you in spite of thins you ve done , in her mind you may have done something awful , its real to her even though it never happened.
I know you know this already. Just remind yourself when you feel bad shes not in the same reality as you are and try and go from there :)

Oh that's good Kbear.

Have a peaceful weekend at least.