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Elderly parents
Original poster

I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

332 replies

Kbear · 14/03/2012 21:25

I can't even begin to explain but I am going to blow a gasket. I care for my elderly in laws. It's a minefield, and a nightmare, and stressful and how does life come to this.

I just got off the phone to MIL, she is rambling, she doesn't listen, I try to help, she talks over me, she's had a lovely afternoon while I was panicking at work because I phoned and she was calling out for FIL and saying oh god oh god, what shall I do? then the phone went dead. So I rang BIL, my DH was at work, I was at work, all miles away. SIL drove over there and there they were all happy as larry drinking tea and the phone's on the side off the hook. Tonight she doesn't even remember SIL going over there.

She forgot to give FIL his meds for four months. I just found out last week. Arranged all their meds again, she can't remember to give them. They're in a box marked for the days of the week, she gives Monday morning and Thursday morning instead of Monday morning and Monday evening.

Today they thought they'd go to the pub for lunch - FIL doesn't know his own name or where he lives, he can hardly walk but off they trundle down the garden to waiting cab, he falls over, almost takes her with him.

How in hell can I look after them? I have two jobs, two kids, one DH!

There's so much more, I am too exhausted to explain, DH is on nights so I;m not calling him to talk and stress him out even more.

I want to cry. No response necessary. Just getting it out there.

OP posts:
neversaydie · 17/03/2012 20:09

I hope that the assessment sorts out what is needed for your MIL. My Dad died recently, having had steadily progressing dementia for a number of years. There was no doubt at all that he was at his very worst in hospital - the last visit before he died we discovered afterwards that he had bitten one of the nurses. To their eternal credit, the care he recieved was exemplary.

No advice - just sympathy. It is a horrible situation to be in, and I deeply admire you for the support you are giving your in-laws.

Original poster
Kbear · 17/03/2012 19:36

Hi all, no more developments - DH and his bruv going up there tomorrow. I'm going to find out what time the assessment will be on Monday and go with DH to it.

We just went out for early dinner with the kids - did us good but I am so tired, I am going to get jarmied up and hit the sack early. DH and DD just gone round to check all is ok with the flat and put a note in neighbours door with our number just in case she needs it.

You have all been wonderful.

The rollercoaster will continue tomorrow no doubt but thanks for your support so far.

OP posts:
gingeroots · 17/03/2012 17:53

Thank God for the brilliant social worker .
( but WTF are the hospital up to ,apart from the obvious of lessening their weekend load ? )
Keep up with the doughnuts ,lots of sugar medical neccessity for stress .

Columbia999 · 17/03/2012 15:57

Glad to hear the social worker has made them see sense Kbear. At least now you have a bit of breathing space over the rest of the weekend.

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 17/03/2012 15:21

Kbear, just come across your thread. Really sorry to hear about your in-laws. Hopefully my story will give you some information.

My mum, 81, was blue lighted to hospital a few weeks ago. She collapsed and we suspected a stroke. She had had a virus and was severely dehydrated and constipated and had a urine infection to boot. She hadn't had a stroke, but the scans showed progressive vascular dementia, signs of lots of small bleeds on her brain from the last year or so. Her short term memory is shot. There is no cure or hope of improvement, it's different to Altzeimers. (sp?)

They put her on a course of antibiotics, just for 3 days. The urine infection made her really weird. She's a frail, gentle old lady, but she became aggressive, paranoid and very confused. Nobody was sure if it was due to her collapse, (but no sign on scan of a recent bleed,) or the urine infection. She was refusing the antibiotics, said they were poisoning her. She got a bit better after the 3 days of antibiotics and talk was of discharging her but she took a turn for the worse. Threatened staff and other patients.

After another week of antibiotics, she finally seemed a bit less confused and she was discharged with a care package of 3 visits a day, one in the morning 45mins to get her up and washed, take her meds and breakfasted. One at lunchtime 1/2 hour and one 1/2 hour at 6.30pm to get her to have some dinner.

At home, in familiar surroundings, and after the last lot of anti bs she finally seems much more her old self, if weak. Social services have been really nice, if a bit inefficient at first. The team of 6 ladies who come to care for my mum are all really nice, but not very pushy with her. If she 'declines' to have her food, they don't seem to try to persuade her in the way we would.

My DSis is the one who gets most of the stress, she lives 3 miles from my mum, I'm 50 miles away and recently a single mum. Mum will have to pay for this care package as she has some savings, but my DSis works, has her own family and can't be there full time. My mum is so much happier at home, even though she thinks these ladies should stop coming!

I really hope your FIL gets some dignity back and your MIL is simply confused due to an infection, like my mum. Make sure she takes her antiBs and get SS involved in getting a care package sorted. My mum's is a 6 week trial initially and will be reviewed at that point, (or earlier if it wasn't working.)

(((hugs))) Enjoy mothers' day. Smile

TeamEdward · 17/03/2012 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SecretNutellaFix · 17/03/2012 14:53

That's good they are listening.

Original poster
Kbear · 17/03/2012 14:51

OK update!

Spoke to the social worker, spelt in out in CAPITAL LETTERS that I refuse to let them discharge her. She was fantastic. She said she has dealt with it all and she will be kept there until Monday when a psychiatrist will see her.

So, breathe... and relax (a bit) until Monday. She said nothing will happen without discussion with the family.

OP posts:
jasminerice · 17/03/2012 14:26

Kbear, I have no personal experience of what you're going through but God, I respect you for not saying sod it and walking away. You are a wonderful woman.

Gumby · 17/03/2012 14:11

Aw kbear
You get this weekends medal for best wife and daughter in law Grin

Thank god for mums & doughnuts

Really hope they listen & don't discharge mil

TeamEdward · 17/03/2012 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RabidEchidna · 17/03/2012 14:09

Sorry, have just read more, clearly you do need to take all the outside help and as a family a united front on keeping your MIL in a safe place

RabidEchidna · 17/03/2012 14:04

It is not your job to look after them, have you looked in to sheltered living, sounds like that need to not live in their own home any longer

SecretNutellaFix · 17/03/2012 13:50

Kbear- I missed this earlier in the week.

Sounds like you have had a really hard few months- We have had similar with DH's grandparents although the brunt of the looking after falls on DH's mum.

There is no way that your MIL is mentally sound- is there any way the doctors can apply to have her sectioned, to keep her from being discharged? There is no way she sounds fit enough to look after herself at all. Can anyone record a visit with her?

QuintessentialyHollow · 17/03/2012 13:38

They may try avoid it because it is the weekend, but dont listen to them. Insist they have seen what she is like, and clearly she is not fit to go home. They have to send her to the psych ward.

Columbia999 · 17/03/2012 13:32

Just keep dinning it into them that she doesn't have capacity, and that she's putting herself in danger by insisting on going home when she clearly isn't mentally well.

justwishes · 17/03/2012 13:29

Hi Kbear - couldn't read and run, I don't have any real experience with anything like this but I just wanted to say we're all here!!

I hope you manage to get her a MH assessment.

CuriousMama · 17/03/2012 13:26

My God they're not letting her out surely? Sorry just came across your thread, I didn't even know there was a section for elderly parents? This is shocking Kbear Sad You must be at your wits end?

3littlefrogs · 17/03/2012 13:18

There is no care in hospitals over the weekends.

Your BIL must stick to his guns. There will be duty social services available and they should be able to help with an emergency placement.

It is disgraceful the way elderly people are chucked out over the weekend.

Same thing happened to my dad. My sister arrived home late at night and there was a message on her answerphone to say he had been discharged earlier in the day, no discussion, no support in place.

Original poster
Kbear · 17/03/2012 13:17

I'm trying to take the stress off HIM!! He's out with DD doing secret Mother's Day stuff LOL - he needs some head space too. This is his parents. He is devastated.

We support each other, it's fine in that respect.

My mum is her way round and I have doughnuts. It's not all bad LOL

Thanks for sticking with me.

OP posts:
Columbia999 · 17/03/2012 13:16

She hasn't got the capacity at the moment to be making any kind of decisions, so stick to your guns and keep on insisting that she gets a MH assessment. I can't understand why they haven't done this before.

Gumby · 17/03/2012 13:14

Is your dh at home today? Could he take some of the stress off you and do some phoning? Or go down there

Sad what an awful situation

Original poster
Kbear · 17/03/2012 13:14

They'll probably tell me they can't section her because it's the weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kbear · 17/03/2012 13:13

Social worker said she refuses care package - I said SHE IS OUT OF HER MIND, SHE THINKS SHE AT HOME, SHE THINKS YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL HER HUSBAND, SHE THREATENED TO SLIT YOUR THROAT, (sorry caps alert), she needs emergency mental health assessment and locking up if necessary. I said Please please don't send her home, she is a danger to herself, I can't look after her, she is having a mental breakdown.

BIL just arrived at hosp now. I said refuse to take her home, insist on referral to psychiatric care.

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 17/03/2012 13:09

Sorry love, you might need to get her sectioned if she is to get the proper assessment for her mental health. Sad

Of course they are discharging her, she is not in the right place. They cannot have that.

When my mum were banging on doors in the night tried to get into other patients, and threatened to punch a nurse, she was restrained. She was also medicated at night for the safety of all concerned.

There is nothing pleasant about dementia. No dignity in it.