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Elderly parents
Original poster

Refusing care

31 replies

LadyBeagleEyes · 02/02/2012 22:48

So what can I do.
I'm sixty miles away and can only get in about once a fortnight. My sister lives close but works full time.
We managed to get her full time care (Scotland) but she alienates everybody, so she no longer gets a bath and gave up her lunchtime calls because she doesn't eat lunch (she says, but will eat it if me or my sister make it)
We can't force her to accept care, she's now incontinent, and there seems to be nobody to turn too, how do you force a stubborn old woman, with possible dementia to accept the help that's being offered?
She's 80, housebound, she has a zimmer, and has had a couple of falls which ended up with her in hospital (She's got one of these on call things round her neck).
I couldn't bear the fact that she would have to go into a home, she could manage if she could get the care that was offered.
Me and my sister are at our wits end, any advice would be welcome.

OP posts:
gingeroots · 04/02/2012 09:57

Would the cleaner be prepared to take on more duties ?
Good luck - I know it's tough .

Original poster
LadyBeagleEyes · 03/02/2012 23:56

Thanks canyou Smile
My mum has a cleaner once a week, who seems to go over and above what she should do, to the extent that mum is treating her like a carer.
I'm so glad I've found this topic, I don't feel so alone anymore.
There's so much more and it's good to speak to others in the same situation.

OP posts:
canyou · 03/02/2012 22:27

Lady my heart goes out to you I have been there twice with both my Grandmothers it is heart breaking.
Both hated the intrusion of others in their home the loss of control and privacy, We are in Irl and they were of an age where accepting state help [home help/district nurse etc] was charity and they were proud women.
Hygiene Baby wipes and if your sis or some one can in the evening when she changes her clothes for bed grab what she had on and lay out fresh for the morning including the hygiene products.
We left breakfast on the table with morning pills
We had a homehelp House keeper into do laundry and 'heavy work' [strip and re dress bed/hoover monitor her
Meals on wheels in our area serves food on proper ware and we paid for it so not charity they dropped and ran
Mobile hair dresser and chiropodist pride ensures she bathed before their visit
In other words we lied and allowed them to believe they were paying for the house keeper etc

Original poster
LadyBeagleEyes · 03/02/2012 22:14

Thanks Basil.
You're right, me and my sister need to start getting more pushy.
I spoke to her GP today because of her incontinence and he went to see her, but she's already forgotten what he saidSad
If I had a spare room, I'd have her move in with me, she's just becoming a spoilt child now, and the thought of her going into a home is unthinkable to me.
She needs to be re-assessed, as she's gradually getting worse.
I'm glad I found this thread, I usually come on MN for a laugh, but it's good to speak to people who get it.

OP posts:
gingeroots · 03/02/2012 22:07

Would it be possible for you to talk things through with your mum , try and work out why she is resistant to the carers ?
I know my mum just finds daily visits too intrusive ,she'd rather slob about and live on a diet of cheese straws ,pork pies and tea .
To a certain extent I agree with her - I'd hate a constant round of people in my home .
Not helpful sorry ,if your mum is v.immobile and needs help to prepare food etc .
Not sure if she's dropped all care or if she's still getting some .
Could she manage with less care if things were carefully set out for her - could she manage to microwave food ,soup etc ?

Has she suddenly become incontinent or is it her mobility preventing her getting to the WC ? Either way there are things to manage the situation ,GP ,adaptations ,grab rails .

It must be so hard when you're at a distance ,let us know how you're doing ?

BasilRathbone · 03/02/2012 21:46

Haven't got a clue but didn't want this one to go unanswered so am bumping it for you.

Can you go back to SS and say to them that she needs proper support? Surely they wouldn't withdraw it because she alienates everybody, doesn't she still have the right to be looked after even if she doesn't want to be and doesn't think she needs to be? Do they have a policy on what to do about elderly people who very obviously need care but refuse it, this must be such a common scenario that SS depts must have worked out a modus operandi on this?

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