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Elderly parents
Original poster

its so very hard to see your parents get old

111 replies

ssd · 08/09/2011 20:36

thats it really

my mum is 84, I can't believe she's that old, but when I see her I see every year in her IYKWIM

she's very frail and infirm

I can remember when she could walk aroind with me, she doesn't do that anymore, she clings onto me and walks about 3 metres with a stick

I just wish she could be a gran to my kids, she was a great gran to my older siblings kids but she's too old to do anything with mine, also she's a different woman to the one she was 10 yrs ago

Its not fair, and I absolutely dread it happening to me

OP posts:
neversaydie · 09/09/2011 19:34

My Dad has been dying by inches since 2003. He has advanced demetia, is unable to walk (or even get up out of his chair) and is incontinent. My Mum, only 2 years younger is still spry and all there, and adamant that he will live at home for as long as she can manage it - with as much nursing help as it takes. They moved house this summer, to be closer to us, and Dad was in a nursing home while they were between houses - and Mum spent all of every afternoon visiting him throughout.

You do a lot of the grieving as you go, I think. Although I have no idea how I will react when the end finally comes. I do feel sad that Mum has been so tied down through years she was well enough to travel and enjoy life, but it has been very much her choice.

I was reading a thread about whether or not your DH was the love of your life, earlier. It reminded me of last time Dad was in hospital, after yet another mini stroke. He was semi-conscious, lop-sided and clearly very ill. Mum stroked his forehead and said 'Doesn't he look bonny'. Very much the love of her life...

Original poster
ssd · 09/09/2011 18:21

yes, I agree

its like a bereavement but they are still here

OP posts:
twentyten · 09/09/2011 16:58

Hello. I really feel for you. My dm is 86 and increasingly frail and my mil is declining with dementia and her husband is now in care but miserable following a major stroke. I feel dh and I have lost our parents and as you say gained more children whilst getting older ourselves. I feel we do need to mourn our loss whist doing what we can. Not easy but I believe to acknowledge it is important.

Original poster
ssd · 09/09/2011 09:40

I know what you mean muffins, I get annoyed at my mum cos she can't do anything for me, I know thats mean and selfish of me but its how I feel.

I also get annoyed when my mum is like a child, I have kids and I don't want a third, but my mum has become like a child and it annoys me, I want her to be a mum, not a child.

but I know thats not fair of me

OP posts:
SurpriseMuffins · 08/09/2011 23:30

Yes it is hard. Especially hard because there's nowt we can do about it.

I feel guilty because I'm in the midst of parenting my own family and can't be there enough for my mum. It doesn't seem fair somehow. I can also sympathize with the whole thing about other people saying how their mums are so supportive - its very confusing because I'm also kind of annoyed that she's not there for me either!

theginganinja · 08/09/2011 23:18

Yes, I agree, it's not great. My Mum is only 67 BUT, she's had rhematoid arthritis for about 35 years which has taken its toll on her body. Despite having replacement elbows, replacement knees and replacement shoulders both sides, her mobility is limited, her mind is fine but, she's physically fragile. The physical decline has been rapid especially in the last 5 years.

It's playing on my mind quite a lot at the moment especially as I received an 'enduring power of attorney' from Mum and Dad's solicitor recently. If anything happens to my Dad, it'll be up to me and my brother to sort out care for her as she can't dress herself very well and she certainly wouldn't be able to make it as far as the shops to buy food.

So, yes, I understand and sympathise, I guess at some point we have to parent our parents.

Original poster
ssd · 08/09/2011 23:04

Sad sympathy to you too FW

hope your dh is ok, sounds like you have all gone thru a lot in a short space of time

does you FIL live alone? maybe a care home permanently would be the best thing, might give you and dh some peace of mind knowing he;s being looked after rather than being alone...

its just so hard isn't it

OP posts:
FoundWanting · 08/09/2011 22:29

ssd Loads of sympathy here. Sad

DH had to put his dad into a care home today. At the moment it is for 2 weeks' respite care while Social Services assess his needs, but I can't see him coming home again really. DMIL died 3 weeks ago and she had been his carer for the last ten years. FIL is 83, he can barely walk, is almost completely deaf and blind in one eye. My children have never known him 'well' and are a little bit afraid of him because he shouts all the time.

Original poster
ssd · 08/09/2011 21:03

oh god you know, I keep a distance from gransnet, I thought it was full of loving grannies going on about how much they do with their grandkids and I just can't take that just now

there is a thread going just now about how mych a poster loves her mum, it just makes me want to cry. I really love my mum too but the thread speaks of posts saying how much support and help the posters have had from their mums and for me thats all gone now. My mum is still here but I'm supporting her now, emotionally I'm her mum, she looks to me for things I want to look to her for but I can't. I just want to be able to post things like that here without sounding morbid but seeing your mum so old and needy when you get no support yourself is just so bloody hard.

OP posts:
twotesttickles · 08/09/2011 20:48

:(

That sounds really hard. :(

Without wishing to push you off Mumsnet, have you tried posting on Gransnet, there are a lot of people over there going through similar situations. :)

It's horrible to watch someone's body break down when their mind is still there. :(

But I bet it is a comfort to your mum to have you there.

bran · 08/09/2011 20:46

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