its so very hard to see your parents get old

It is helpful to read these posts although very sad. I'm 43 and mum is 84 and she has alzheimers and is getting frailer rapidly. She's still in her own home with carers going in but I feel terribly guilty that I can't do more for her as my children are still young and dependent.

When her own mother was old and I'll my mum had retired and me SMS my brother were grown up, so she had far more time. I really feel I'm letting her down by squeezing visits inbetweem school runs and work. I occasionally get glimpses of the funny clever lady she once was but it is getting less frequent

Scary, so sorry to read your post .

ssd, I can totally understand how you are feeling and no amount of make the most of this moment helps tbh. My mum died from cancer a few years ago and it was utter torture for months, both watching her and my father.

You find yourself in this situation where you can't go back and you can't move forward basically until they die. Then you feel so guilty and concerned about the parent who is left behind to cope on their own.

There are no easy answers and yes I agree that you think they will be there forever as your strong, knowing parents and suddenly you seem to be in that position and you start thinking 'how the hell did this happen'?

Can only offer immense amounts of sympathy and strength. In some way you have to try to switch yourself off from it a bit when you are not with your DM.

Quiet hugs to you.
xx

My fil has just died, after being diagnosed with cancer and dementia exacerbated by having a general anaesthetic for an operation. He had gone downhill so rapidly since Christmas that it was scary.

The other sad thing is seeing a marriage that you thought was rock solid disintegrate on one side because of his illness. I will never ever view my mil in the same light again, and I have been married a long time. She had us all fooled.

About to enter into this sort of situation as df has just been diagnosed with q degenerative condition...does anyone else not feel old enoughfor this? Very silly thought, I am mid 30's but am reduced to feeling 15 when I contemplate all of this.

Marking my place for when I have time to post properly . Carrots, my FIL iain Spain on his own since MIL died. He's 85 and we're all burying our heads in the sand about the situation. Ridiculous though it sounds, DH dreamt he saw his Dad last night and he kissed him. Slight panic this morning when we couldn't get him on the phone as he had gone shopping.

Thanks twenty.

We keep in touch with skype etc regularly but it's just not the same as being there.

I want to be there to help mum but just can't be there enough.

They love life out there and I know they would hate to come back to the UK.

I feel like time is slipping away and one day soon I will wake up and he will be gone

Well done SSd . Be strong. Do it for them and for you.
Oh carrots- heartbreaking for you. Can you use skpe to keep in touch?
Remember it's quality of time too.

Well done ssd for making that first move.

I am sure you will find your GP very sympathetic and he/she will make time to listen to you and get you the help you need.

I have become increasingly concerned about my elderly parents over the past few months. They live in Spain and we can't afford to get over to see them very often. My DF has Parkinsons but his symptoms had not been too severe until recently and he was still able to get around and walk to the shops. However my mum phoned me a couple of weeks ago to say he has deteriorated quite a lot recently and now has trouble walking. She has arthritis herself and it sounds like she is finding coping with him difficult.

I keep having horrible sinking feelings that I am going to lose him soon. It is so sad to think about how strong he was not so long ago, what happened to the dad who always looked out for us all?

I know I need to help my mum but just don't have the money to keep going over there and I have to work. Just don't know what to do.

Oh ssd ! A huge non mn hug. You MUST see your gp. For everyone including your dc's and your mum and for you.
Antidepressants aren't always the answer but can help take the edge off and help you find new ways to cope. Several friends have finally taken them over the last year and they have made a massive positive impact on how they feel and how they cope. Ask for counselling too- again some very sceptical friends found this saved them at tough times- including a very sceptical dh. If it helps write it all down before you go. I hate going to see the gp but it's what we pay our taxes for.
Please make that appointment and tell us you have.

Oh ssd!! I'm so sorry!! But can you see that making looking after yourself priority is so important when so many others depend on you?consider it respite for carers. It 's making sure there's still something in the tank. Who supports you? And don't be afraid to "be a moaning minnei " because we all need to let off steam. And it isn't fair. Could you talk to your gp? Would you consider counselling? You are not alone.

Oh ssd I feel for you so much! I can understand your anger,frustration and sadness and need to be looked after. Who is there for you? All I can say is that I treasure my friends- some a long way away,but they are there to listen and help me. How are you looking after yourself? I know that might sound like a luxury but after seeing my dh overwhelmed by anxiety and off work for 4 months pretty much unable to function after his df was first ill, I know how us carers have a duty to those we care for- including our dcs and dp's. It took medication, counselling and walking and golf( on doctors orders) to get my dh back . We keep the walking and golf as a priority to keep him healthy- whilst I have consciously reduced my work and do try to make each visit count with my frail mum- I am lucky as she has all her marbles and does take pleasure from a trip to a garden centre etc.
ssd what are you doing for you? What gives you joy? You may think this is impossible but it is vital.

BCBG With my Mum the last but one of siblings who have all died with Alzheimer's I am already well aware of the little time remaining.

However I do find it difficult almost impossible to appreciate this when she doesn't acknowledge that I am there some of the time, then at others the sight of me/the kids seems to agitate her, then at others she seems so joyful to see me and when I leave she is so disappointed. Its like some form of torture. Like others have said, its like I'm bereaved but she's still here, and every visit is a knife in the wound.

The positive thing that comes out of it is that my 4 yo DD comes with me to visit Mum in the home and is always cheerful and wants to go (she knows that her Nana is ill, but then again she's never known her any different).

BCBG you said it so much better than I could - I was trying to say what you said but couldn't find a 'nice' way to say it.

SSD you do have my sympathy, but what BCBG says is so true :(

If it helps, I now think that when I visited, it should have been a conscious gift of 'time' to her: when I allowed things to move at her speed (4 hours to get out of the house and in my car, for example), when I really listened, and focused on her. Because I was always squeezing her in between all the other demands on my from DCs, work etc, I was always in a state of barely disguised irritation or distraction. Now I realise that if I had made each visit the best that it could be, however short, I would have felt less of the stuck in the middle feeling you describe. I do feel for you, but you still have her and she has you, for a while longer x

ssd I understand completely, as I went through this for a few years up until 2009; the sadness and the irritation, the grief and the anger at seeing - HAVINg to acknowledge - that Mum was getting older, and frailer, and that she just wasn't able to be strong for me any more. There were times when I imagined her dead, and how much easier and less stressed my life would be. . And then, one day, she was. She died in my arms on 31st May 2009. I would give *everything8 I own (except for the dcs) to see her again, just for a day, just to hear her voice, just to say 'I love you Mummy' and see her eyes light up. I can't. Every time I see a middle-aged child with elderly parent in the supermarket, on the pavement, in the Post Office, getting irritated; looking a bit embarrassed or rolling eyes and huffing, I feel like saying 'love her. Now. You can't call this day back'.

ssd. It's very difficult when this starts happening to your own parent. You don't really imagine that you will end up having to care for them the same way you have to care for a child.

"its like a bereavement but they are still here"

I am so with you on this. It's awful, because the mum that you knew (although still love) has 'gone' (or is starting to 'go') but she is still here in body. Grief/bereavement starts during that time - although you never want to admit that to yourself.

And, yes, there is the annoyance and irritation - and then the total guilt at those feelings. It was the most awful few years of my life. It's very difficult to voice those sort of feelings to anyone, unless it's your DH/DP/OH or someone who's going through the same thing.

for you.

neversaydie that is lovely ..real wedding vow stuff and true love. I also feel angry at times with my father as he is not the man he was but he tries so hard ( and gets frustrated) to be. HOwever I just try to live for every moment that I have with both my parents howvere as I live abroad every trip home the difference is so obvious.