its so very hard to see your parents get old

Dumbledoresgirl - I wanted to add my support for you.

There is never an age in our lives when we feel grown up in regard to our parents and sometimes the day comes when we step into the role of 'parent' and they, the child.

It is important to try and get support, for yourself and your parents and if you can, some counselling for coping, feelings of guilt, etc.

The Princess Royal Trust for carers are excellent for offering support and advice - we found them while we were struggling with dad (who had repeated TIAs and dementia), it was a hideously difficult time, more so coping with guilt and exhaustion as we had a new baby too.

I did not want you to feel alone or isolated and we are all here for you. x

Thank you twentyten and ssd. It is good to have found this little place as I can tell from reading the posts here that I will be talking to people who are going through the same feelings that I am. I will try and explain my situation but I have a feeling it might not say all I want to say.

In brief: my mother had a major stroke 6 years ago. It affected her sight and her mental processes so that she can no longer read, drive, etc, and is easily flustered and confused, eg, she enjoys cooking but can no longer read the recipes correctly (esp figures) and if anyone talks to her as she is cooking, she falls to pieces. She is highly frustrated (and, we now know, depressed) by all this - understandably. She has also had some mobility problems lately (unrelated to the stroke, just part of getting old) though these have been successfully treated.

The thing that triggered off my last post was my brother emailing me to tell me he had seen our parents recently and my mother had been totally confused by everything going on around her. I mean, majorly confused, as in: "what are we doing here?" "why are we here?" "I don't recognise this place at all" (somewhere she has visited frequently). It all sounds like she is developing dementia, although it might just have been the stress of visiting my brother had caused her a really bad attack of confusion.

I can't think of anything worse than seeing a loved one succumb to dementia. Many years ago when she was fit and well, my mother used to say "if I ever get dementia, just knock me over the head and put me out of my misery". I know she would still feel that way now. In fact, I know she wishes the stroke had killed her rather than living the restricted life she has now. I know this will sound selfish, but I can't bear the thought of watching my mother slowly lose herself and become a husk. I would rather she died now than see that. I also worry that if she has dementia, I will get it too one day. Sorry, that is shamelessly selfish of me....

My brother's email hit me at a bad time. I am in the middle of a little bout of depression myself, and my dh is away this week which I always hate. I rely on him a lot for support as I don't have many friends and anyway, don't see much of them. Initially, I couldn't ring my father to ask about my mother as I was too afraid of what he would say, but he rang me yesterday and talking to him did help calm me down a bit though also made me sad to hear about him managing the situation. I am just so sad that there is a situation for him (and her) to manage. I wanted my parents to enjoy a long and happy old age without the horrid things that can affect older people, the worst of which, I feel, is dementia.

Sorry, I haven't said half of what I feel is in me, but that is my basic situation. I know part of me is just in shock and I will get used to the idea that it is now my role to care for my parents instead of the other way around, but right now, my reaction is simply to cry that I can no longer rely on my mother to be the rock in my stormy sea. I am 46 btw! (you would think I would have grown up by now!) and my mother is 79.

Oh poor dumbledore!Yes it,s a bit quiet here but just wanted to reach out a hand,cuppa,box of tissues and bar of choc and say you are not alone.

Talk when you are ready.

you are not alone

I don't know if this thread is still active or if anyone will read this. I heard some disturbing news about my mother yesterday and all I have been able to do since is think about it and cry a little from time to time. I don't feel up to talking about it yet, but reading this thread made me realise I am not alone. I desperately wish someone would just hold my hand while I cry.

Good to hear it!! keep looking after yourself-small pleasures help a lot!And if you need it-seek help and support.

Hi ssd hope you are ok. Can't help youuvh with anti d'd although several people I know have used them as "first aid " to help short term and then got other support to help change how they felt about and How they coped. Please see the gp. There are agencies to support- might help. Big hugxx

Hi ssd, A couple of years ago I was in a similar position as you. My dad was caring for my mum who had dementia and various other medical conditions. My dad struggled so much and although I could help where possible it was mentally exhausting to see them both in such a sad state. My mood was so low that I eventually went to the GP. He was so understanding and I went on ADs for a very short period to see me over that bad time. They enabled me to cope with life generally and the situation my parents were in. They made me stronger and more positive and more able to cope with things - they do not need to be a 'long term' solution. Please speak to your GP and find out all the options available to you. Good luck.

Hi ssd. understand about doc's-glad you have made another appointment.
I do understand your felings about anti depressants- but worth talking through. Counselling is available in different forms on the NHS but can take time-have a look at the BACP website for details about couselling and cousellors who are all accredited.You can contact them directly-not cheap but an initial conversation is often free.
But do make some time for you to do something you love-anything.Even half an hour in the bath.
Would it help writing things down about how you feel? And make a list to take to the GP? It can really help.Lots of quiet hugs.

Hope you have a lovely time tonight ssd. Chatting to friends helps enormously .

I did pay for it although you can get it on the NHS but would probably have to wait quite a while.

NLP is NeuroLinguisticProgramming and is a form of brain training I suppose. It helps you to see things in a different way and teaches you different strategies and coping mechanisms. Very useful tool as is hypnotism.

Best of luck at the gp today.

Sorry, didn't mean to suggest that AD's were the only answer. I actually only took them for 2 months and came off them as they made me feel weird. It was counselling that really helped, with NLP and hypnotism. It's finding what works for you.

Hey, you have coped with lots in the past that means you know you have the deep down strength to deal with this too .

It's a tough one and there are no easy answers - particularly if you don't have supportive siblings. Get yourself as much support as possible, from wherever you can.

ssd, please don't let what I said put you off seeing your gp tomorrow, it can't do any harm to at least talk it through with him/her. I went on AD's after my DM had died, just for a while to help me through the worst bit. Sometimes you just need a bit of extra support at times like this.

Oh ssd I have been thinking about you this week. Yes this will pass but it's getting through and putting something in the tank to get you through. Please see your gp because there may be some other sources of practical help and advice he/she can direct you to. This is your life too. And your kids.

There is a flip side of the coin though. My Dad died 10 years ago at 60 and a week, so he has missed out on his gcs growing up; at attempting to repair some of the damage in the relationship between he and I, and I still feel that his death left so much unresolved and unanswered.

Whilst my fil dying is so sad, he was 80, and he had seen his gcs get to adulthood and late teens; he had been retired for some time, and so, whilst upset because such a lovely man has gone from our lives, I am glad that even when he was in a home and didn't know who we were, we took in wine and read him bits out of the paper, talked to him and even just sat and held his hand, and we got to tell him we loved him and that he mattered to us.