Page 2 | its so very hard to see your parents get old

ssd · 2011-09-08T19:36:29+00:00

thats it really my mum is 84, I can't believe she's that old, but when I see her I see every year in her IYKWIM she's very frail and infirm I can remember when she could walk aroind with me, she doesn't do that anymore, she clings onto me and walks about 3 metres with a stick I just wish she could be a gran to my kids, she was a great gran to my older siblings kids but she's too old to do anything with mine, also she's a different woman to the one she was 10 yrs ago Its not fair, and I absolutely dread it happening to me

Original poster

ssd · 08/10/2011 12:10

..and sorry, just went on about myself a bit there....your dad is in the right place for him, you've done the best you can getting him in there.....and I know exactly the sadness you feel in your kids not having the hands on grandparents just about everyone I know has (ok maybe not everyone but it sure feels like it), this is a continual source of quiet sadness and bitterness to me, something I'm always trying to come to terms with, then I see another neighbours grandparents turning up to drive the kids somewhere else and my stomach falls all over again, what can we say, we are lucky in so many ways but very unlucky in others

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ssd · 08/10/2011 12:05

thanks princesstamtam

my siblings havent a clue, or maybe they have and have chosen to leave it to me as they arent at all close to me and mum

I dont confide in them or ask their opinions anymore, in fact as they are a lot older than me they still think I'm about 12 sometimes, a bit patronising actually

anyway I'm long past the stage of actually needing them now, I did for a long time then got used to them not helping and so now I dont even consider them when it comes to mum and get annoyed at them when they tell me what mum "should be doing for herself" - how owuld they know

anyway, I dont want to get into it too much as it winds me up, its better to bury it as best i can and just get on with it

it is so so helpful having this forum to talk to others in our situation, and get a bit of hugs and "you're doing well" from others who have been there, especially important when you dont get any outside encouragement (although dh and my kids are fantastic)

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PrincessTamTam · 08/10/2011 11:28

ssd you are not alone. You mentioned your siblings? Are they any help? I am very grateful to have 3 siblings to talk to about my dad, who is now in a care home suffering from dementia at 92. I understand entirely the squeeze between your DCs and your parents' needs. My mum died at 58 just a couple of months after her first GC was born (my nephew), so she never knew my DCs and this STILL makes me and my sister angry.

My dad was a lot older and never really had that special GP relationship with my boys that they get from spending time with the GCs alone. I used to feel very envious of my friends and their hands on GPs! I feel guilty about my dad who is incredibly demanding but I know he's in the right place now. I lived 5 mins from him for last few years when he was declining and struggling to cope at home, he rang me all the time and I was round there a lot. It is a relief now he's there but he is not happy so I also feel terrible. My siblings now share the load much more and it is easier for me, but when I visit with my 3yo he doesn't really like it as my attention can't be all on him. This makes me sad and sometimes cross, especially as my 3yo talks about grandpa a lot and seems to like visiting.
Phew - I have let off steam! Sorry! You should NOT feel like a moaning minnie, you are in a horrible situation and you must find time for yourself like twenty says, and you must NOT feel guilty about it. Easier said than done, I know. And what you are feeling is entirely normal, I would definitely talk to your GP and get some counselling. GOOD LUCK.

Original poster

ssd · 08/10/2011 10:57

our situation

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ssd · 08/10/2011 10:52

hi again readsalotgirl, it does sound like you and I are in much the same situation. I found my mum was very resistant to move for a long time, way longer than necessary and I found it very hard to know when to go against her wishes and even just put her name down on the list for sheltered housing, she was dead against it but seemed to think when she did decide to move a house would be available for her straight away. In fact she did get offered a house 2 yrs ago very near me, 2 mins away in the car, perfect for me, but at the last minute she decided she wasnt going to move............eventually after much organising by me (you'll know what I mean) she has moved, but is still in her home town, about half an hours drive away and not so handy for me, but I couldnt get her to move closer, she just refused. She should really have moved 5 yrs ago, she moved 6 months ago...!

anyway I'm interested to hear about your visit to Crossroads Care, I dont know if her area is covered, they have great coverage but we are south of glasgow and it isnt very specific for here. anyway I hope they help. mum did contact a voluntary group who promised her a visitor once a fortnight that would take her out, but the visitor always had an excuse, she was a mum with young kids who had volunteered but could never fulfill her visits, eg. her kids were ill, she had a day out planned, she was on holiday, it just never happenedwhich pissed me off a bit, if people volunteer for these things they should at least follow it through once, if they're lives are too busy dont volunteer, they only let down wee wimmin like my mum who get dressed specially to go out then no ones comes........anyway, its good to talk to you and others in out situation!

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readsalotgirl · 07/10/2011 23:27

Hi ssd - yes I know the Crossroads Care website does look like it offers respite care but I'm sure the friend who mentioned them to me said that some of the elderly residents in the complex where she works have carers from Crossroads come in to take them out for shopping or to go for coffee or even just for a chat. However I'll let you know what I find out. At the moment I'm trying to arrange practical support so that I'm not doing it all but as you say even with the practicalities taken care of it's really useful being able to speak to others in a similar situation. My dh has been amazing over the last few weeks but I don't want every conversation with him to be about my mum and I'm very conscious that my dd has just started secondary school and is going through lots of changes too. I do regret that I didn't persuade mum to move earlier - I think it would have been less traumatic for her and I think she has hidden how much she has been struggling.

Original poster

ssd · 06/10/2011 09:36

readsalotgirl, let me know how you get on when you go to see them next week, maybe I'm reading it wrong....

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ssd · 06/10/2011 09:34

hi, I had a look,but they seem to be more about giving carers respite, thats something I dont need, my mum lives in sheltered housing with a care package, not me doing it all

I'm finding this forum better for meeting like minded folk, its easier to talk to others in the same situation rather than having to explain what you mean to friends with blank looks

its the emotional support i find helpful rather than the practical

i hope others find the agency helpful, though

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ssd · 05/10/2011 22:57

thanks will google them

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readsalotgirl · 05/10/2011 22:39

Hi twentyten - good to hear your mum's move has been a positive experience - mum will now be about 10 mins away from me - but yes she is much more dependent than I thought she would be. Howevr it is early days and it has been a huge upheaval for her. She'd been in her old house 12 years and in that area for over 50 years - where she moved to when she married my dad. ssd Crossroads care do operate in Scotland - I'm in Scotland and I was told about them by a friend who works in a very sheltered complex - I googled the other day and found a local office in the town mum has moved to -planning to pop in next week.

Original poster

ssd · 05/10/2011 22:27

I'll have a look at crossroads care, i wonder if they operate in scotland?

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twentyten · 05/10/2011 21:28

Hello all. I've heard good things about crossroads support- I moved my 86 year old mum 200 miles to be 5 mins away 5 years ago. It meant I could pop in for a cuppa much more easily. She has settled- much more dependent than I thought but we enjoy some good times together. My il's are 45 min Away in the middle of nowhere. It's good to talk here! Non mm hugs to all!x

readsalotgirl · 05/10/2011 20:45

That's a shame for you ssd but also for your siblings as they will be missing out - and at the end of the day you will have the satisfaction of knowing you did all you could and have nothing to feel guilty about. The advantage of their lack of involvement is that you can arrange things to suit you and which is best for your mum. It is important to look after yourself - I have recently been told about Crossroads Care which provides support for carers who I'm going to contact - will let you know how that pans out. Higs to you - take care

Original poster

ssd · 05/10/2011 10:04

hi readsalotgirl, the moving mum bit made me smile, my mum moved into sheltered housing and my siblings came here to help, they hadnt a clue about mums stuff, even what clothes and shoes she wore, i realised then how completely out of touch with her they are. in my case its gone way past having it out with them, its too late now, me and mum are like a separate family from them, we've all grown so far apart. I'm the only one near mum, so its all been left to me and thats just it, the siblings visit maybe a couple of times a year, tops.

you'll probably find the sheltered housing works well for your mum, try to get her involved with the things going on in there, get her out of herself a bit

I said this on another thread, usually one sibling takes the parent on and the others dont, I find that true in most families. its just so hard when you have young kids and you are the one who's taken on the care and the worry, i think feeling resentful is normal in these circumstances.

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readsalotgirl · 04/10/2011 22:15

Oh twentyten - you made me . But you are right - one of the things I pointed out to dsis was that expecting me to "pop down" to mums was the disruption to my dd's family life. BTW "popping down" involved a 300 mile round trip which took (in good weather) 3 hours each way.

readsalotgirl · 04/10/2011 22:06

Hi everyone - sorry if I seemed to disappear! I've spent this weekend moving my mum to sheltered housing near me. It was an exhausting few days and I really hope I've done the right thing. My sister came to help clear mum's house and pack up but dh and I did the driving and unpacking which is still not finished.

It's scary how forgetful mum is and how little information she seems to process - I found letters that she'd opened but not responded to - one from the GP asking her to make an appointment for example. Things like that confirm my thought that I have done the right thing but I felt awful when I left her alone on the first night in her new home.

I do sympathise with you ssd as I feel we are in a very similar situation regarding our siblings. My sis was very against mum moving and kept insisting mum was "fine". I think part of the head in the sand thing is because siblings far away don't want to accept that their parent is declining - even this weekend sis kept trying to pack things mum hasn't used in years like her jam making equipment !!!! - even after we'd slung out jars of jam from 2004.

Eventually I decided I would bite the bullet and move mum closer to me - for my sake and if necessary have the argument with sis. I ended a phone call with sis very abruptly one time as I was afraid I was going to lose it with her - thats when I emailed her setting out my concerns about mum's dwindling support and social network and stating very clearly the limitations on my time and availability. I expected a tearful/ emotional response but was surprised that sis actually got the point - I think BIL also agreed with me and told her so. Don't be afraid of sounding needy - you are in need of moral if not practical support from siblings - and if you don't tell them how you feel then they can continue to stick their heads in the sand and say but ssd never said !
It also helped me that couple of times when I was v v stressed DH said if I didn't say something to sis then he would - DH is wonderful but NOT tactful. Anyway sorry to be long but glad all is ok at the mo - but think about getting siblings on board for when it may not be ok.

Original poster

ssd · 03/10/2011 22:30

thanks DazR

I've actually had a good talk to myself and I'm feeling much better, things are going ok, for now!

hope you're ok, too

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DazR · 03/10/2011 14:06

Hi ssd sorry to take so long to reply! I did feel better when on the ADs but the feeling also did continue when I came off them. Before I was on medication I was so stressed about our family situation. My poor dad was struggling so much and was often in tears trying to cope with mum (who had dementia) - I tried to stay strong for him but was, over time, reduced to a level where I couldn't offer the support he needed and couldn't even think clearly as to how to help. The ADs provided me with a chance to get on top of things - to research additional support for my dad and mum and by implementing more general support I felt better myself and things improved for them too. There is a lot of help available but it does need perseverance and investigation to find it. We used a company called Crossroads Care for some support - they provided a 'sitter' for mum one night a week so that Dad could continue to go out to pusue a hobby. We also got some residential respite care for mum (a couple of nights every six weeks) which gave Dad a chance to visit my brother or just relax at home. Hope this helps.

Original poster

ssd · 30/09/2011 13:29

true twentyten

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twentyten · 30/09/2011 13:04

Hello all.I completely understand about siblings-my BIL came back from oz for 4 weeks(first time in two years)He managed one visit to FIL in his care home,one day with MIL and a half day with all the family including IL's-(a very bizzare event with us all playing "hunt the cake" that MIL had made but forgotten where it was...eaten with caution)BIL spent all the time saying whispering "get me out of here".....and then left.
There is help out there for dementia-I'm no expert but it's worth researching Alzeimers society and age uk.
It is a tough time for us sandwich generation- looking after ourselves has to be on top of our priorities- and our kids.And giving ourselves permission to feel sad and angry for what we've lost.

Original poster

ssd · 29/09/2011 15:37

another thing, my siblings genuinely believe they are doing all they can for mum and would be amazed to hear how little I think they do

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ssd · 29/09/2011 15:35

thanks readsalotgirl

the letter thing is a good idea but I know I would never do it as I feel embarrassed that I would sound needy, I think my siblings just dont think at all. They have never asked how I cope, my sister just thinks I worry too much and I run after mum too much, she thinks I need to step back from mum and live my own life a bit more. She couldnt possible understand how if I step back there is no one there to fill the gap. Again, she must think the fairies are waiting to fill it in..............My mum is 84 and she's been getting old and needing support for a long long time. My siblings visit, see what she's like, then go home and dont visit for maybe 6-8 months at a time, Head in the sand stuff. Its gone on so long thats just how it is.. But I am resentful, unbelievably resentful and I know I'll take the resentment to my grave.

funnily enough I use ageuk, agree its good

I'm an expert round here in helping old folk!!

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readsalotgirl · 29/09/2011 09:38

Thanks ssd - I do understand where you're coming from with this. I have one dsis (also older than me) - but she lives abroad and, frankly, was in denial but how much mum was deteriorating. It has been very difficult to get her to see how stressful and unworkable the situation was becoming. I live 150 miles from mum, have a dh who works shifts and a dd of 12. My sisters kids are 19 and 21. I spent a lot of time biting my tongue as I didn't want to fall out with my dsis but got to the point where I wrote to her and said all I needed to say. You might find it useful to set out in a letter to your siblings what the concerns are and what the difficulties are and express your disappointment that they are not more helpful. They may not take it on board but at least you'll not be seething silently and it may avoid a more damaging explosion later when you really can't keep it pent up any more.We are now moving mum closer to me but I realise that in some ways it would be easier for me to leave her where she is and take at face value when she says "Im fine everything is ok". Just I know deep down that that is not true - and it will be easier to deal with the blocked sink after 1 day when she's 5 miles away and not after 3 weeks when she's 150 miles away.!!
I have found the GP, district nurses and social work very helpful and sympathetic but mum is a tad resistant to things like a commode and really doesnt want to ask for help. It is good to know you're not alone and I have found AGEUK a useful source of info and of course this thread and site.

Original poster

ssd · 29/09/2011 09:06

hugs to you too readsalotgirl

I don't know about anyone else, but I sometimes feel so alone in dealing with all this. I have an older db and dsis, but they live far away and seem to not notice mum getting old, they seem to think magic fairies come and sort everthing out . How can someone bury their head in the sand so well? I think its because they know I sort out everthing for her and its fine to leave it all to me. But I'm the only one with young kids, there's are grown up, I don't know how they live with themselves but it doesn't trouble them at all.

I said to another friend a while ago, some of us take our elderly parents on, and some of us dont, I guess thats all you can say

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readsalotgirl · 28/09/2011 23:01

Hi Dumbledoresgirl - I have no experience of strokes or dementia but wanted to add my sympathy and support. My mum is 83 and over the last couple of years has become frailer and is now not coping especially well on her own. She too is far more forgetful and more easily confused - and it is so hard to see someone who was once so capable and energetic becoming withdrawn and lacking in confidence. To ssd - I haven't posted on the elderly parents thread until now but I have been lurking for several weeks and I just wanted to say no how glad I am you persuaded MNHQ to start the topic. I have been comforted over the last few weeks by knowing I'm not alone. I have a fantastically supportive DH but I know he worries about me being stressed and over burdened so sometimes I don't like to tell him how scared I am of the responsibility of dealing with my mum - and it has helped to be able to come on here and read your posts - so please don't think the thread hasn't been of use. I suspect many of us in this position are too busy, not only with practicalities, but trying not to allow the situation to overwhelm us. Hugs to all struggling with work, dc's family life AND elderly parents.