its so very hard to see your parents get old

Have a great time in the states fish and congratulations too - look after yourself.

Hi to everyone else. I'm still trying to get some extra support for mum - homecare have referred her to the rehab team - lady from that is very helpful so hopefully in the new year there will be a bit more support. I get a bit worried about what would happen if I'm not around - trying not to make mum dependent on me but really realising how frail she is.

Also feel a bit bad because we have always really just had Christmas by ourselves and actually really like it and now will have mum - and she hasn't been hugely into Christmas for years. Think actually she'd rather be in her own bed but then I can't have a wee drinky with my sprouts. No doubt will all pan out and I remind myself she is nearly 84. The upside is she is really enjoying all the company and activity in the complex where she now lives and is chattier than she's been for years.

It is easy to get sucked in tho and I have to keep telling myself I can't do everthing - feel a bit panicky when I see the housework/paperwork piling up in my own house. Should probably spend less time on MN .

ssd try your local library for info on courses run locally - I used to do a computer course one morning a week which was good fun and a change of scene. Or an exercise class - it's true what they say about endorphins.

Everyone take care

I really feel for you fishandjam. So sorry about your mum. Remember her as she was. Hugs

Visit went OK this weekend, though mum wasn't at all good - she's now immobile and needs the hoist/sling to get in and out of bed, in and out of an armchair etc. She's not eating much so has gone very thin and frail, and is becoming very incontinent. She recognised me but was very dopey - kept dozing off the whole time. The staff nurse said we were looking at weeks/months, not years, which TBH is a bit of a relief. I have already discussed DNR with the staff and will confirm it in an email tomorrow.

On the bright side, my mum's cousins adored my 2yo DS and he took to them immediately, so he had a whale of a time!

Know how you feel dad 80 today somedays I feel so resentful having to do things for him I try not to be and I remind myself one day he wont be here but its still hard. I know how hard it will be when hes not here still miss mum 7 yrs on but I just want my old dad back.

Just seen this thread. Mum 83 and same as OP. Crying for you and me.
I get so much comfort (and tears) from reading a lovely book my Canadian cousin sent to my kids. Its called Love you forever by Robert Munsch. Makes me remember how my mum continues to give because of all she has done in the past even though she can do so little now.
Hope you can all get a chance to read it. Life changes but love goes on x

Hi SSS- thanks for your reassurance! I am a freelancer so I work for clients- this is a new client after a very lean time- which means me dh and ds are going out to the theatre which we haven't done for a while and love. Yes it does help with Christmas etc too.
I really understand what you mean SSd about time- when we do so much if we don't need to what do we do???
Sometimes we have to find us again. A good exercise I came across once said make a list of twenty things you love and try and do one a day- even a nice cup of coffee- a walk or a cuddle with a dc..... What would you love to do?

Hi ssd. Re New Year, could you plan to have an outing to somewhere scenic and get in a good walk/fresh air, and then come home and eat nice, easy-to-prepare (even pre-prepared) food from the supermarket? I've done that on plenty of Xmas Days and actually I quite like it. Last year it was just me, DH and DS, and we had a nice time in the end. Very self-indulgent but what the hell.

Hi!! Have a great time in the states. Do what you can and don't feel guilty. All you can do is check your mum is being cared for. You can't do any more. SSd how are you doing?
Do plan a good new year even if it's a DVD fest at home?
My mum is deteriorating- but now got some s's help and kit in for her. Can't help but feel bad about going off and having a good time but I will keep at it- also got some new interesting work after a very lean time. I cannot devote all my life to my mum- I will facilitate and arrange- but even the Ot said today don't get sucked in......

Hello everyone. Just wanted to catch up and say hi, and that I hope you're all OK (for a given value of OK, at least). This is potentially a crappy time of year for many of us, with all the focus on happy families, and I must confess to a great feeling of relief that in a week's time, I am vanishing to the USA to stay with lovely SIL and her family (with my DH and DS, of course!)

I am due to visit my mum at the care home this coming weekend. I've not seen her for around 5 weeks as I'm in the early stages of pregnancy and I've been mega sick and exhausted. (Driving 2.5 hours with a bucket on my knees did not appeal!) The care home have warned me that her Alzheimer's has deteriorated a lot since I last saw her; apparently she's not "mobilising" (which I guess is care home speak for not getting out of bed or out of her chair), her incontinence is worse and she's becoming very paranoid/aggressive, although not violent because she's not physically strong enough. TBH I'm dreading the visit, but I do need to do it, if only to check she's still being cared for as well as I believe she is.

What news from everyone else?

Hello suburb. Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. Venting on here helps- reminding eachother that we need to put ourselves first sometime.

Hi suburbophobe - can only echo what ssd and others have said. I have been so grateful for the opportunity to vent on here - it's been so useful. My dh has been fantastic but I don't want to overload him and I know he's anxious about his own parents who are getting older themselves.

Would it be worth moving your mum closer to you ? My mum was 3 hours away from me and I know how exhausting the travelling is - and it's emotionally shattering too. She's now closer and seeing her is not nearly so "intense" - for her or me and although I'm doing more for her I don't have a 300 mile round trip ! As others have said one of the most important things is to look after yourself - mentally, emotionally and physically. I had a bit of a lightbulb moment when I realised I had to organise things to make my life easier vis a vis my mum - and fortunately she wasn't too resistant. You will also still be grieving for your dad - that's hard too - big hugs

This is a great thread, I didn't even know there was an Elderly Parents link!

It's really great to read I am not alone in feeling guilty about feeling tired of the amount of time and effort I am putting into visiting my 90-year-old mum with dementia. She's had it for 5+ years now, and I'm a single mum. I just feel I'm looking after everyone and wish someone would look after me sometimes!

Mind you, my son is 20 now and at university so that helps.

She's in a home and visits with travelling time take about 4 hours. A big chunk of the day.
She still knows me but has forgotten where I live. "Where are you staying?" she asks each time.

It really is the "long goodbye". Heartbreaking. She used to be so active.....

My dad died of cancer in December 2010. Was taking care of him too for a few months before he died. So I guess I'm still dealing with the bereavement of that.

Hi all - back again. Just an update on Crossroads Care as I finally managed to pop in to the local office. The lady there was very helpful (especially as I was a bit emotional as was feeling very overwhelmed by it all). Mum hasn't got any care package in place so she suggested the best bet was to chase up the referral to Social work for Homecare etc and if necessary ask the GP to also refer. However Crossroads can provide carers either regularly to "top up" what social services provide or on an as and when basis. I am hopeful of getting all the care mum needs from Social work but am realistic enough to know that she may not so we may need to self-fund some "top-up" care through Crossroads. The "as and when" care provision is interesting as I have no other family in the UK that can share the load so I think I may use this if I go away on holiday. We (DH & DD and I did go away for a few days last weekwhich was lovely but it would have been good to know someone was popping in to see mum a couple of times). I think my mum really needs someone to encourage/help her prepare a proper meal each day so I think it would be worth paying for that rather than for a cleaner - I can do the cleaning but I can't go down each evening to make her tea. The lady at Crossroads did say social work use them for longer care slots - ie anything more than a 15 minute medication check and she did say she herself worked as a carer and did a regular every second day visit to help someone shower. Given all this they do seem to be more in the field of actual care provision than simply respite for carers which is what their website suggests. I would say it's definitely worth contacting them if you feel your parent needs a little more than social services are providing (if you/parent can afford to selffund that) or if you need care provision if you yourself are on holiday/ need a break. The rate was about £11 per hour which I felt wasn't bad as the cleaner is charging £10. She did also say to tell SS that I'd spoken to her

Ps SSD do not apologise. This is the place to goon about how you feel....

Oh and by the way youthful gp's do not always equal supportive ones! When my il's were really fit and active they expressed more interest in our new shed than lovely dd.......,,, no help there!!

Lovely thoughts tam tam! I would echo everything- especially the value of counsellors and medication if neccesary short term. It's like putting scaffolding in place so the building can be repaired . ALL our feelings - anger ,jealousy,frustration ,grief,sadness,loneliness, regret,injustice are valid and need to find a voice- for our own lives too. This us our life, too.

It sounds like you have a lovely DH and DCs which is so important, though I understand you don't want your life with them to be entirely about your mum. My DH went through exactly this with his parents just a few years ago, so he has a real understanding of what I'm going through, although at the same time I am very aware of bringing back hard memories for him. As you say, we are so lucky and so unlucky, I guess that's the same for everyone.

I really think a counsellor could help you through this, my friend saw a lovely counsellor when she was caring for her elderly mum who had dementia. When she died I think it really helped that she'd been through a lot of the issues in her sessions. I think she found the counsellor via her GP but I will check. It really is like being bereaved when they are still alive, my aunt called me the other day in tears, saying she'd lost her brother. He was always such intelligent, informed and enjoyable company, a lovely man and good fun. Now he is scared, self obsessed and frail - I really feel for him, he has moments when he is completely aware he has 'no purpose' and is 'waiting to die' and wishes it would just happen. I am so scared of ending up like that, its so desperately sad. My advice would be as others have said up thread to enjoy the good things with your mum while you can, and try not to dwell on the future. I know its so hard and I feel for you. .