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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Would you seek maintenance when your son now lives mostly with you

25 replies

Cvhgdxcbjjgff567 · 05/08/2026 21:11

Please bear with me this is a long one as I don’t want to drip feed.

Divorced about 5 years ago with one DS now aged 16. Mutually agreed (no solicitors involved) to an informal arrangement of 50/50. In our financial/consent order, I agreed to pay full cost of small holiday cottage until DS is 18 for ExH to take DS to for holidays and school fees. No maintenance either way as 50/50 care. At first this was fine and ExH would contribute to significantly extra costs like uniform, birthdays, major schools trips, school bus fares, School Lunches etc and all was fine. Over time this has reduced to him paying next to nothing. He pays for DS phone contract £20/month I pay for everything else, pocket money, all clubs and extra curricular activities, clothes, holidays, school lunches annd buses etc. ExH doesn’t use the holiday home with DS for more than 4-5 days per year. But does use it with his friends and new family.

My house (original family home) has always been been the registered address of DS. For school, Doctors etc

ExH meet a new woman about 4 years ago, She moved in about 1 year ago and they have just got married.

Around the same time as she moved in, DS decided he wanted to stay more at my house due to exams and school work and it being easier to get to school and more consistent. I suspect some of this was also due to new girlfriend moving in and the change in the dynamic at ExH house.

DS has been with me for 80% of the last year. Nothing changed during that time in terms of financial arrangements.
DS is about to move to sixth form college and has now said he wants to stay at mine pretty much all the time and just see his father when he wants to.

My dilemma is this. I am a high earner but I also have high outgoings due to trying to keep the original fmaily home going. In addition, I am already paying all school fees (which will stop this year) and for the holiday home which is not used for the benefit of DS. ExH has become more and more disinterested in DS over the last few years and spends very little time with him and refuses to fund any hobbies or support DS in taking him to clubs etc claiming he can’t afford it, yet can happily afford a large lavish wedding and 2 honeymoons but tells DS he can’t afford to pay for anything for him.

I’m becoming more and more pissed off that EX is exiting DS life and this year I will have to find money for driving lessons car insurance, possibly a car (we live quite remotely), a laptop for college and need to start planning for university support.

I recently found out that ExH has registered as DS living with him and is claiming child benefit for him. I am considering contacting the CSA to claim maintenance from him for DS (based on what I think he is earning and time spent with him this would be about £400/month).

ExH will kick off at this I know and it will cause some upset for my DS but at the same time he has now registered him as living at his address which is completely false and I don’t know how that would impact any claim for maintenance through the CSA.

What would you do in my position? Would you just keep paying for everything and keep the peace or make EXH contribute to DS upbringing?

OP posts:
saveforthat · 05/08/2026 21:17

Definitely don't keep paying for a quiet life. This is how men like him get away with it.

Original poster
Cvhgdxcbjjgff567 · 05/08/2026 21:34

saveforthat · 05/08/2026 21:17

Definitely don't keep paying for a quiet life. This is how men like him get away with it.

Yes I guess you are right, that’s exactly what I am doing. I do need him to have DS for some periods as I have to travel for work and I know he will be difficult if he is pissed off. But I’m getting so fed up of him refusing to pay anything and now he is profiteering from our DS

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 05/08/2026 22:18

Put in the claim !

Grumpyeeyore · 06/08/2026 00:16

Yes I would. Your DS can choose where he stays so your ex can’t manipulate contact to reduce CM. I didn’t claim for a long time for that reason but at 16 your DS views will be what counts. He’s old enough to move out (although few 16 year olds could afford to)
And you are right sixth form and uni are expensive.
Do you have other options for when you travel? Is your DS sensible enough to leave at home or with a neighbour keeping tabs or have mates whose parents would take him in? It’s useful to have a plan b.

Original poster
Cvhgdxcbjjgff567 · 06/08/2026 01:18

Grumpyeeyore · 06/08/2026 00:16

Yes I would. Your DS can choose where he stays so your ex can’t manipulate contact to reduce CM. I didn’t claim for a long time for that reason but at 16 your DS views will be what counts. He’s old enough to move out (although few 16 year olds could afford to)
And you are right sixth form and uni are expensive.
Do you have other options for when you travel? Is your DS sensible enough to leave at home or with a neighbour keeping tabs or have mates whose parents would take him in? It’s useful to have a plan b.

I don’t really have other options. My mum could come and stay but she is elderly and doesn’t really like being away from here home that much anymore. He is sensible and I have just started to leave him overnight but only if a friend will come and stay with him and only for one night at a time when I am in the country and able to get back relatively quickly if I need to. My work trips are busy during October/November and include trips abroad for several days so I would not be happy leaving him then. Maybe I should wait until after this spurt of travel and then do it.

OP posts:
GooseyDuck · 06/08/2026 07:38

I’d wait til after the travel then request it via CMS and also change the child benefit. He may well be on universal credit etc too, as a result of the child benefit?

Whyherewego · 06/08/2026 07:42

Why don't you ask Ex to give the CM to DS as a contribution towards clubs and other costs? Or would he kick off over any mention of that?

SixAndJuliet · 06/08/2026 07:53

If things are currently civil, could you ring and speak to him about it? Suggests he ups his game financially, make it known you’re aware of the child benefit (fraud) and indicate that a claim will be going in sharpish as you can’t do it all.

Or is it not worth the hassle? In which case, I’d do the claim. If he starts being difficult about having him when you’re away, either your mum comes to stay, you leave him on his own or you cancel the work trip.

SixAndJuliet · 06/08/2026 07:54

GooseyDuck · 06/08/2026 07:38

I’d wait til after the travel then request it via CMS and also change the child benefit. He may well be on universal credit etc too, as a result of the child benefit?

This is the other option, he pays the CB straight to DS and DS starts funding more himself.

Problem is, the CB is still being paid to ex fraudulently.

Randomchat · 06/08/2026 07:59

What's the deal with the holiday house? Do you also have access to that during the year? I'd be quite cheesed off at paying for a holiday home exclusively for him and his family. Can you make any changes there?

FabulousWealthyTart · 06/08/2026 08:15

If you still get on with your ex well enough to talk to him about this, I think that would be best to start with. Tell him exactly how it is financially, and what you know about your son being registered as living at his address, which needs correcting.
He needs to know that whilst it's good that things have been civil until now, that doesn't mean you deserve to be taken for a fool either. If he does nothing, then at least he can't complain when you action it all.

FabulousWealthyTart · 06/08/2026 08:17

I'd also sell the holiday house.

Mylovelygreendress · 06/08/2026 08:21

Why are you allowing your ex and his new family to use your holiday house if your DS isn’t included ?

Gazelda · 06/08/2026 08:23

I think I’d start the conversation, on the grounds that DS is changing his living arrangements. Approach it non confrontationally, perhaps with clear questions, asking him what he thinks is reasonable. But maybe have in the back of your mind that you’re going to play this long term with a view to resolving by the time your travelling period is past.

by starting the convo, it might make him revisit his approach. I’d have a think about what outcomes you want (holiday home, child benefit, regular payments of £x). Spend the next 6 months slowly working towards something you’re happy with for the next 5 years.

caringcarer · 06/08/2026 08:33

I'd inform child benefit people DS will now be living exclusively with you going forward. Then register for CMS and send exh solicitors letter stating he can only use your holiday home if your DC is included. It's sadly sounds like his new family is more important to him than his son and he's been pushed out or made to feel uncomfortable so he wants to be with you all of time.

lovelycattus · 06/08/2026 09:39

Yes agreed, eventually ask ex to give CB to DS after your Autumn travel; I’m presuming you earn too much to claim CB?
The holiday home deal thing, I’d start with that straight away and put a stop to that.

Original poster
Cvhgdxcbjjgff567 · Yesterday 11:38

Whyherewego · 06/08/2026 07:42

Why don't you ask Ex to give the CM to DS as a contribution towards clubs and other costs? Or would he kick off over any mention of that?

I have already asked this. When we were 50-50 or when DS has been with ExH for a week recently, I aksed him to pay for the clubs - he refused and said either I pay or DS can't go. I have no confidence that DS will get the money or that said that DS will spend it wisely !!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cvhgdxcbjjgff567 · Yesterday 11:39

GooseyDuck · 06/08/2026 07:38

I’d wait til after the travel then request it via CMS and also change the child benefit. He may well be on universal credit etc too, as a result of the child benefit?

I think this is what I am going to do. My travel is heavy in the Autumn and once that is over, I will put a claim in. By the time the travel comes around again DS will be 17 and able to stay by himself and hopefully will be driving and able to get to college by himself too

OP posts:
Original poster
Cvhgdxcbjjgff567 · Yesterday 11:42

Randomchat · 06/08/2026 07:59

What's the deal with the holiday house? Do you also have access to that during the year? I'd be quite cheesed off at paying for a holiday home exclusively for him and his family. Can you make any changes there?

I have access to the holiday house but for various reason - I dont wish to use it. There are too many bad memories and friends of ExH nearby that make it difficult for me to go there. I dont have an option to stop paying for it as it was part of our fianacial settlement that I will pay for it until DS is 18 then it will be sold and split. I will not be paying a penny post DS 18th Birthday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cvhgdxcbjjgff567 · Yesterday 11:43

GooseyDuck · 06/08/2026 07:38

I’d wait til after the travel then request it via CMS and also change the child benefit. He may well be on universal credit etc too, as a result of the child benefit?

I think you are right. I earn too much to claim CB but I also know ExH earns too much for UC

OP posts:
Original poster
Cvhgdxcbjjgff567 · Yesterday 11:44

Mylovelygreendress · 06/08/2026 08:21

Why are you allowing your ex and his new family to use your holiday house if your DS isn’t included ?

it was a family assett whilst we were married. He owns half of it (just doesn't pay for it !) and so I can't dictate what he does with his half.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cvhgdxcbjjgff567 · Yesterday 11:46

Gazelda · 06/08/2026 08:23

I think I’d start the conversation, on the grounds that DS is changing his living arrangements. Approach it non confrontationally, perhaps with clear questions, asking him what he thinks is reasonable. But maybe have in the back of your mind that you’re going to play this long term with a view to resolving by the time your travelling period is past.

by starting the convo, it might make him revisit his approach. I’d have a think about what outcomes you want (holiday home, child benefit, regular payments of £x). Spend the next 6 months slowly working towards something you’re happy with for the next 5 years.

I think your approach is good except, I don't have 5 years - he is only liable for maintenance payments until DS is 18. So I actually only have 18 months left which isn't really long enough to drag it out over another 6 months

OP posts:
ForPinkDuck · Yesterday 12:08

Me personally i didnt chase child maintanence. £400 a month for 18 months is £7,200. 18 months will be over in no time. Hes likely to seek revenge by making the 2nd home sale difficult.

DontTeaseMyDog · Yesterday 12:56

If your child stays in education child maintenance can continue until he is 20. 4 years is a fair chunk of time and if he's not helping you in other ways as agreed then yes, go claim.

And everyone is entitled to child benefit despite what you earn and so I'd be taking that £108 just so he can't have it, if the boy isn't living there! You do have to pay it back but I guess it depends on how wronged you feel right.

And let your family and friends use the holiday home if you don't want too. 50/50 is fair if you've paid for it.

Good luck

Original poster
Cvhgdxcbjjgff567 · Yesterday 15:17

DontTeaseMyDog · Yesterday 12:56

If your child stays in education child maintenance can continue until he is 20. 4 years is a fair chunk of time and if he's not helping you in other ways as agreed then yes, go claim.

And everyone is entitled to child benefit despite what you earn and so I'd be taking that £108 just so he can't have it, if the boy isn't living there! You do have to pay it back but I guess it depends on how wronged you feel right.

And let your family and friends use the holiday home if you don't want too. 50/50 is fair if you've paid for it.

Good luck

Thanks I didn’t realise that they can claim until 20 but that said I think he is likely to move from sixth form to uni or an apprenticeship so unlikely to qualify much beyond his a Levels. Also I am a high earner (above 80K) so I would net out at zero. I do let family and friends use the holiday home but in all honesty, few ask and it goes empty most of the time. I will be stopping paying for that on my DS 18th birthday !

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