Struggling to move on a year after sudden separation

Hi @TheKookyUser I didn't want to read and run. I totally understand how you are feeling. I could have written every word of your post myself. I'm 14 months past the end of a 32 year relationship (married for 23 of them). We also had a relatively swift split and at first I was OK - really upset and sad about it, as I fought hard to try and save us but he had already mentally moved on. For me the grief hit when I moved out in the Autumn. And it hit me like a tonne of bricks - there was one week I only got up to deal with my pets.

Since then there have been other curve balls to deal with - he was with a new (much younger) girlfriend within weeks of me leaving the house (in fact I think he met her before I moved out). He's taken her to holidays and hotels that were places that were special to us, she's moved into my old house etc. Each time I think I'm building myself up I get a knock back and I have to pick myself up again. It's absolutely hideous.

I am noticing now though what you've spoken about - friends are now accepting his relationship as a thing and feel that it's time I also moved on. Easier said than done. If I hear another sentence which starts with "you should just...<insert advice that hasn't been asked for>" I think I'll scream. I've tried dating but the dating pool is so dire I'd rather not bother. My feeling is that I'm not ready for a new partner but everyone else wants me to get one because it makes them feel better and means they don't have to look out for me so much.

My strategy is the one-day-at-a-time one. I'm mindful of those days that I'm really low and I'm keeping track of that because I don't think I am depressed but it would be very easy for me to slide into depression from where I am right now. I have regular counselling.

I absolutely hate living on my own - I've never done it before and it just overwhelms me. I have pets which are great company but the evenings yawn ahead of me. I have the radio on all day just to have noise. I think the summer is bad because a lot of people are away so the friendship pool is quieter. Also my work is quite seasonal as well so that's quiet which is nice but it also scares me because I worry it won't pick up again in the Autumn. It's also a job that is one of the first to go in hard times and recently I've had clients cancel on me because they can't afford it anymore so that's a worry.

Weirdly, my main focus atm is my devastation at how a couple of people I thought were really close friends of mine have taken my ex's side. I knew there would be some loss but not these people and instead of just thinking "fuck 'em" they somehow dominate my thoughts. I'm genuinely hurt by them because they have made a shit experience for me even shitter and that's unforgivable when I have never done anything to them to deserve it. I keep being told to just rise above it (hence the user name) but it feels so unfair that I have to take the high ground when I have been treated so badly by people I once called my close friends.

I keep thinking that I will re-invent myself, lose weight, have a restyle etc etc, but in actual fact it takes a lot of effort and self control to do that. When you're already feeling like pants it takes too much willpower to do that and even if you try it doesn't take much to self sabotage and undo everything and then you feel like you've let yourself down and it's a vicious circle. So, for now my plan is as follows: focus on sleep (7 hours per night minimum), focus on movement (just walking outside, nothing major), focus on food (trying to lessen my sugar). Absolutely no alcohol alone, and not going overboard when in company either - it massively depresses the mood.

I know this sounds like a bit of a misery post but I do want you to know that you're not alone. I am much better than I was 6 months ago - at that point I was in tears every bloody day. Now I'm at about every 3-4 days so that's progress of sorts. I am at more of an equilibrium with the concept of my ex and his girlfriend (frankly she's welcome to him). I am focusing on my divorce and making sure I get what I am due after such a long relationship. I will get there eventually but for me it seems that the road is much, much longer than everyone concerned wants it to be.

Feel free to DM me if you want.

Similar for me (well, I am male), her decision, 20+ years etc... No chance to fix things but it was a pretty shit relationship for the last year or 2 so I guess I had done a lot of my grieving then.

Everyone is different - I move at a fast pace and knew if I just sat on my own I would wallow and pine for the old days. So I went out dating, kept myself busy with doing what I wanted to do. Met some nice people and had a couple of relationships. Of course everyday I think what if, but it helps me that she was toxic so it's just the family state I miss.

My life is totally different in many ways. Same house, same friends but new relationship and doing some different things so very happy.

As others have said, there’s no time limit for grief. You’ve had a massive shock and this is totally understandable, but it won’t be forever.

I know it’s not for everyone and maybe sounds a bit silly, but I recommend journaling. I done it when I was going through a breakup I really struggled with and it actually helped me see that the breakup was for the best and in my best interests, even if it’s hard to see at the time - sometimes our subconscious is a few steps ahead of knowing what we do.

To journal you don’t need anything fancy - a simple pen and notebook will do. I used an app on my laptop since it was easier for me to type due to sheer volume of thoughts in my head. Also my handwriting is atrocious these days, so I wanted to be able to understand it if I ever read it back. You don’t need to write anything particular, literally just what you’re thinking and feeling in the moment, and often that can feel like complete jibberish, but you’ll start to see patterns emerge and it will bring clarity. I also felt it offered me a bit of relief because it felt like once I got them out, those feelings and the pain/sadness felt less heavy - like they were away somewhere else now.

If journaling isn’t for you, there are other techniques you can find to help. Just know you’re not alone and one day you will feel better again 💕.

I'm so sorry to hear about this.
I think your feelings are completely normal and you will have periods where you feel better and then go back down and feel bad for awhile. There is certainly a pattern and I found doing new things is not only challenging but also healing. Something about taking yourself out of your comfort zone that tests you
I’m over four years from the breakdown of my near 30 year relationship. Honestly, it does get better and it feels like a bit of a cycle although you get used to the feeling and if you can somehow tell yourself that it’s completely understandable and acceptable to feel sad and to struggle after such a shock - that’s definitely part of the way forward. I think if you’re telling yourself that you’re weak or you should be better by now etc you’ll end up beating yourself up. If you think about it it’s such a short time.
You will get there.

I'm just a few months ahead of you. I think the first 12 months is survival, you need to restructure your life, sort finances, deal with legals, deal with the fall out with the kids. (I also have teens, they've had many questions and many emotions, its hard). If you're lucky friends rally around and you start to recover from the shock. Then I think there's a period where "normal" comes back for everyone else, and thats when a wave of grief can hit. Hopefully your teens have bounced back, friends see you doing well, there's someone else in the social group who faced challenges, you've settled into the new home/new life/new routines. Everyone thinks you're doing "so well" - but actually you are still dealing with the impact of it all and the grief which leads to overthinking.

I am also trying to get better at "changing the channel" - I set up a note on my phone, the thought goes there and then I force myself to stop thinking about it. I've found it often helps to do something physical, find myself overthinking, I get up move about even if to move from one chair, or go tothe bathroom, make a tea. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but more and more its working for me. Like a grief I dont think you'll ever get to a point where you can clear it from your mind completely and things will keep triggering it like seeing couples doing normal things together. But I do believe these thoughts can become passing not festering.

Hi OP. My marriage came to a sudden end, he literally went out on an errand and didn’t come back. Refused to talk about it. I was left with a young child and it was very traumatic.
What helped me was to “change the channel” in my mind whenever I would start to brood. I listened to Heart radio which always has jolly tunes on and that also helped me to stop the descent into brooding and bitterness.
Gradually I forged my new life. 12 months is nothing I’m afraid, so you will have to be kind to yourself, take up new opportunities as they arise and work towards building a good life.

I think what you're feeling is completely understandable and normal in the circumstances. After 25 years of marriage, to have such a sudden ending is bound to leave you reeling and in shock. Be kind to yourself and give yourself much more time. It sounds like you're doing all the right things, keeping busy and seeing friends etc.

Maybe now is the time to take up some new hobbies and set yourself a goal like running a 10k or doing a tough mudder/walk for charity. It would give you a focus and it's a great distraction.

It's ok to still be processing emotions and it's normal that when you're tired/it's quiet at the end of the day/there's no distractions that those emotions can take you over. Just remember how far you've come and remind yourself this journey isn't over and you will keep moving forward. Give yourself the pep talks that you'd give your best friend. One day you will wake up and realise it doesn't hurt any more. You will get there 💐

Be kind to yourself darling. You are suffering grief from the loss of your marriage. It sounds so trite but there is no time limit. Take it day by day for as long as it takes. One day you will be over it, but no one can say when that day will be. Big hugs xxxx

That sounds very difficult, what are you doing in practical terms to move on have you considered counselling?