Amicable separation/seeing exes family

Can you change your mindset and just see the ex ILs as friends instead? So respect exH wish to keep a distance by not going to family events (and as hard as it will be to accept, you aren't part of the family now) but go to their house when he isn't there, invite them to yours occasionally, maybe a day out with the DC etc. You may have to accept that the friendship will drift or change over time but hopefully not. you will need to change your mindset away from family though because if you push that angle and it makes exH too uncomfortable, his family might start to take his side and push you away just to keep him happy.

Honestly? I think it’s better to move on. I’m a very forward looking person though and my ex is an unpleasant person, I have as little as possible to do with him, and by extension his family.

I think at first it feels fine but once one of you gets a new serious partner being involved with extended family in this way will become more & more difficult.

One of the sad things about a split is losing connection with extended family but I don't think it's fair for you to want to be part of your ex's family events if he finds it awkward.
I went through the same because, as my exH used to joke, I got on better with his family than he did. But I had to accept that in the end they are his family, not mine.

I stay in touch with my ex mil by text regularly, we exchange cards & gifts. Similarly with exH's sister & children.
But I don't expect to go to their family events with my children, that's for him & his new partner to do now.
I have hosted them all at my house occasionally & invited exH along & it has been ok.

He didn't have a close relationship with my family & he cheated on me so my family haven't stayed in touch with him.

I think you have to accept that things have changed & your ex is entitled to feel comfortable with his own family which might mean you aren't there now.

But if both sides want it you can keep in touch with them & develop a different relationship with them now.

In our case we both agreed we wanted to maintain a good friendship for as long as possible so that our children felt comfortable and didn’t worry about us being in the same room.

We separated purely because we were no longer in love with each other (together since teenage years, for over 20 years). Neither of us cheated or did anything to damage the relationship, it had just run its course, but it mattered to us that we did our best to maintain the friendship.

My ExDH was/is very close to my family as they helped him immensely as we grew up. His own family set up was challenging and there was a lot of trauma there which meant that my “side” of the family was always the one we all gravitated towards for family gatherings/celebrations etc and it honestly would have been odd for this to change just because we were separated.

We’re now many years post separation/divorce, I have remarried and exDH has had a couple of longer term relationships and even now we still do birthdays/Christmas/our children’s’ events together but not in quite as much of a regulated way…. as they grow older I think we’ve both subconsciously found our own ways to gently step back from each other (eg we don’t necessarily travel to these things together, or stay for the same length of time).

From the outside it probably looks and sounds weird but it’s what has worked for us. It’s never easy but we just managed to muddle through this way. Most importantly our children (now nearly adults) have had the opportunity to see that even though we aren’t together any more, it is possible to maintain friendship even through what was an intensely difficult time for everyone.

We’re now at the point where we tend to catch up at these kinds of family events but have little contact in between. I don’t know what will happen as the children become adults but my impression is that we’ll continue to gradually drift and will pop up in each other’s lives less and less, but that’s fine! If I had to go back and do it again I’d probably do it the same way.

The person who has found it the hardest is my mum, who still finds it baffling that my DH and exDH are happy to sit around the same table and chat like mates, but she’s gradually got used to it!