How do you cope while separating but still living together?

I did this for 3 months. He refused to move out. I ended up renting a property for me and the children as I could not stand the atmosphere in the house. He would come and go as he pleased during this time.
it's so difficult. I'm sorry you're dealing with this

I did. 3 long years while I sold the house. He moved into the spare room. He basically had a midlife crisisduring this time, went out drinking most nights, often not coming home. He stayed in bed all day, and was a miserable git. We both wfh as well, although he didn't do much working. I had to look after my kids, work, get the house on the market, even supported him through a mental health dip and nagged him to go to the docs. My sanity saver was my campervan, so I went away almost every weekend and made great camping friends. My van was my sanctuary. Even soent my 50th bday away in my van, recovering from Covid! After 18 months, a friend encouraged (bullied) me into trying OLD, which perked me up 😁 Being stuck together was just awful, I had to be a super reasonable grown up in the face of silliness from my ex. Always calming him down and reminding him of our joint goal (selling the house). I eventually moved into my own place earlier this year. The peace is serene. I bloody love it.
I still have to be the grown up as we share kids and a dog, so I have to organise pick ups and drop off. He's nuchal easier to stand now I have my own space, so I think we get on better. I am finally in my own place, and it's even better than I ever dreamed of 🖤🖤🖤🖤

This sounds like good progress!

(There are too many "orders" in my previous post... hope it makes some kind of coherent sense!!)

Brilliant update, @ParkedAvenger - so glad you are out the other side!! I'm now waiting for the conditional order... and have another financial mediation meeting next week. I pushed for it because he's been typically useless and passive, and I want to get a financial order sorted so the final order for the divorce isn't massively delayed. There isn't really any rush except I want to feel more free of him... even though we are still sharing the house.

Ex hasn’t paid his share of the household bills yet, so I’m being charged. He often does this for various spurious reasons. Can’t wait til I don’t have to rely on him at all.

What a great update. I’m glad you’re free from all of that 💐

Just here to say I’m out the other side and hang in there - it is worth it.
We were married for nearly 30 years. I’d had enough for a long time but was trying to hang on to get my kids (now 19 and 16) through their major exams. My youngest at least through GCSEs but he forced my hand last summer with his attitude towards them and when he started making threats I had to act.

He wasn’t my husband, he was a third child including toddler tantrums. Refused to work more than 20 hours per week, used all his money on himself and didn’t pay any bills. Barely did any housework, no help with life admin but then threw his weight around on how things should be and made life very difficult for me day to day.
I had cash from a recent inheritance I could buy him out with but couldn’t give it to him until we divorced and he didn’t earn enough to be able to rent and leave so we lived together for 10 months. 3 bed terrace, me and the kids upstairs, him downstairs (he had a bed in the garage conversion). We shared the kitchen and a bathroom but he had to cook for himself, do his own food shop and washing.
It was incredibly hard. Initially his behaviour was awful and he did some terrible things that will take myself and my children a long time to get over but he calmed down and on the whole we managed to coexist.
He was (and still is to some degree) in denial and I think even now we are divorced and he lives in his own flat he still thinks we’ll get back together when the kids have left home. He only moved to the end of the road so he’s still too close for my liking but I’ll consider moving once my youngest is at uni.
He left 6 weeks ago and still messages me a couple of times a week but I only entertain messages relating to the final divorce admin things (getting his name off the mortgage) and frustratingly he’s done nothing about changing his address so I still get all his mail.
I’m just at the end of a 2 week holiday with my kids and it’s been fabulous. Everyone relaxed and happy. No rows, no fear and lots and lots of laughter. The change in both of my kids makes every bit of shit we’ve been through worth it and I’m looking forward to the rest of my life for the first time in decades. We’ll need therapy for a while but we’re free!

I have the opposite reaction here! DS1 is open and communication casting and DS2 is hostile to his dad. Problem is DS 1 will hopefully be going too Uni but DS2 is at home.

DD1 is struggling to be civil to her Dad. She is away at uni most of the time and her way of dealing with the divorce has been to cut her Dad off… I am not quite sure why the extreme reaction… DD2 is more direct and open and simply says what’s on her mind, so although there have been some uncomfortable conversations with her father the relationship feels more honest, communication is happening, and she seems to be coping ok with the current living arrangements,

@Ralphiesaurus How do you think your DD is? I think I'm going to have to stay until DS2 finishes his GCSES as I don't want to disrupt him by selling the house yet H has nowhere to go. Hell probably have to have support if he lived out of the home but there isn't any. I have got DS2 to do stuff during the holidays and he's still himself with me but he's hostile to H. I've asked him to at least meet him halfway if he talks to him not for H"s sake but for his sake, because I don't want him to have issues later. I also don't want to put the burden of the relationship on him. It's such a tightrope. DS1 is hopefully going to University in September so it will just be the 3 of us.

Great thread. I filed for divorce in March and tomorrow (!) I can apply for the conditional order. We have been and will be living together until the house is sold next year after DD2s A levels. Like some others in this thread my ex is behaving as though he’s in denial, and after a week or so of nasty texts and aggression, has been “normal” and “nice” ever since… which is kind of weird. He might go nasty again when he gets the email from the divorce service (I am away on holiday with both daughters so I bet he’ll expect me to have forgotten).

I moved into DD1s bedroom right away so I have my own space. He is dragging his feet over the financial mediation but I am doing whatever is in my power to move things forward regardless. I’m in therapy with a therapist who has experience of coercive relationships and it’s been brilliant. I have also done the Freedom Programme. Really looking forward to moving away next year, back to a city I love, and starting over… many of my friends have already said I seem so much brighter and happier. It is has been a long slog surviving this marriage… (stuff for a separate thread probably!) so another year feels kind of doable.

i am only cooking for me and DD2. Obviously he benefits from me cleaning shared areas of the house… but he still hasn’t changed his sheets since I moved rooms

I do hope it works out for you too!

It’s so difficult, I was shocked he thought we would be fine- I genuinely thought we were mentally in agreement that we were going to split. If I’m honest I think that will still be the case but I feel I owe it to the children to give it my all for 6 more months.

Lots of small, low level stuff but that’s all built towards the resentment on both sides. I can be brutally cutting sometimes with ‘comments’ so to mentally check those, him to do silly things like change the toilet roll and bring the rubbish down (and other stupid household stuff he ignores), listen to each other, pause and think before answering.

It’s lots of low level, small things that have got us here and we’re going to try and do the small things to see if we can change some of the bigger things- for example, we haven’t had sex, or barely even kissed in a long long time but we can’t fix that before we fix the festering resentment.

I’m not sure it will work to be honest, I think I’m mentally done but I want to try.

Good luck to you, it’s just awful.

What changes have you agreed to?

My Ex is similar, I think. He won’t actually speak to me, but I’m pretty sure he thinks this will all blow over and we’ll stay together. He has barely spoken to me for a month and barely bothered with DC but he really is delusional enough to think I still want him.

We had a chat Monday night- everything came to a head. We’ve decided to give it 6 months of trying to make changes and remain together for the sake of the children. To my absolute shock in the conversation, we weren’t on the same page at all and he didn’t realise it was so bad that I thought it wasn’t fixable. I don’t understand if he just doesn’t notice the environment or care.

Still, we’re giving it until the New Year and we’ll re assess then. I think I’ll still feel the same but I’m prepared to try for the boys’ and to commit to trying properly.

Ex has been away this week but has just announced he’s coming back earlier than expected and I am devastated. It’s been so pleasant not having him here.

I’m also hoping to have moved by the new year! Christmas in my own place would be magical.

@Notachristmaself I love that!!! I am hoping to be in my new place by Christmas so 2027 will be amazing!! 😍

In my own house, on my own 😀with a sign saying
"If I haven't given birth to you you can't stay!" on the front door

Where do you see yourself in three years?

How’s everyone doing?

I had a first therapy appointment today, and the therapist said I was enabling as I was still doing things around the house, but I'm doing it for me and the kids (cooking, housework) he just benefits from it so I don't really know what to do about that! He has been making dinner when I've been working so that's something. She gave me some homework to look into where I want to be in 3 years time.

A big part of the stresses for me was managing everything to do with his kids and his ex and it’s a big relief to have all of that off my mind now

I’m doing all the chores too, but then I almost always was. I am actually finding it easier than expecting/telling him to do things which he doesn’t do. I have absolutely no fear about moving on and doing everything myself in a new house as it’ll be significantly less work than doing everything for him and his DC as well.

I think he’s quite happy too. The shit will hit the fan when we move out, and he realises he can’t afford to house himself in the custom he wants.